MySpace
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(Redirected from Tom from MySpace)
“ZOMG I LYK <3 MYSPACE ITZ TEH KEWLEST oh and btw ur gey”
~ 12-year-old on Myspace
“You can find me there 24/7”
~ Oscar Wilde on MySpace
MySpace is a shitty, waste of a life, badly built social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of nerds and nerdstar wannabes personal profiles of ugly skanks trying to find an escape out of their cafeteria lunch-lady jobs, incoherent blogs that assume someone actually gives a shit, groups of nerds who flock together to escape the fact that they don't have a single friend in real lifefriends, photos of nasty bitches trying to look decent by photoshopping in the hopes someone will notice them, and crappy music and videos from bands that no one over the age of 12 with an IQ of more than 40 would give a flying fuck about. It is a very popular site among scenesters, who use the computer as their only means of communication with the outside world.
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[edit] How to Make a Myspace Profile
A general rubric for creating the perfect MySpace page seems to be:
- Sprinkle gigantic pictures all over your page so that it cannot even be viewed properly in the largest screen resolution on a standard computer screen.
- Make a list of
nerds"friends" who sit behind a computer shooting their glob at underage myspace girls and pretend to like them so they will post more pictures to satisfy their paedophilic ends. - Make sure several epileptic fits are caused by your flashing background/name.
- Add the loudest, most annoying song you can imagine and four or five videos (maybe more), then ensure that they're all simultaneously launched just as the page fully loads and displays its incoherent, babbling mass of text — so poorly written and of so little interest that it's sure to cause anyone viewing it to attempt suicide.
- Make sure the corner of you're profile advertises whatever you used to make your profile so groovy. It is illegal on myspace to write your own code, as code generaters are smaller companies owned by Myspace so they find it mandatory to advertise themselves on their own website.
- Make your background orange and type in orange
- Type in Size 7 Comic Sans MS all the time without ever closing the tag.
- Misspell the word 'gay' as 'gey', and tLk LyK a RtRd.
- Take a picture of your emo self shot at an impossible-to-duplicate angle with hair over your face.
- Don't follow no grammar rules why bcuz grammar is gey!!!
- Comment someones picture back if they comment yours even if you don't think they look 'sOoOoOo hawt'
- Adding messages on friends pages every 10 minutes, then the next day asking them if "you got my message on Myspace" when you could have easily picked up your cell phone and called and/or texted them to ask your pointless questions.
- Posting at least 1000 pointless comments a day such as 'sup', 'nm, urself?' when Messenger can easily be accessed.
- Add every profile you see, trying to be the most "popular" person on MySpace
- List every band and song you know under the music section
- Put a picture of Lil' Wayne in your "Who I'd like to meet:" section, even if his music don't make sense, ya' diq?
- Call everything that requires more than an IQ of 7 "TEH GEYZORZ!!1!!!1". Eg: The Caps Lock button.
- H4t3rsz m4k3 y0u f4m0us.
- Make a deep and thought-provoking headline but then offset the specialness of it by typing "you" as "u" and "your" as "ur". Also, make sure you misspell a minimum of half the words in it. For example: "if ther is someone in ur life that u love and u can't be togeather and if they are worth it then u should def. hold on to them!!"
- ????
- PROFIT!!!!
- Ω(\/)ƒ& eye §Hλ££ }{@× ¥0 ß!©}{ ¡¡¡¡
- †}{3₪ ! ʁ@¶€ Ч Я/-\ɰ ¡¡¡¡¡
[edit] Rules of Myspace
- Pictures — If you're ugly, (that's possibly why you're on Myspace in the first place), your comments like omg so FIT! ILY!, sex-ay biatch and top model pose xox don't fool anyone; people are pretty used to that kind of thing by now. (If a person has a case of the Elephant Man's disease, then they would probably label themselves as "rugged.") It's a bonus if you're in your bathroom holding the camera at an angle (37.6 degrees has been coined as the optimum). Or even better, towards a mirror. There are camera-experts out there who add your Myspace to check out your camera-model, you know. Obese people, by default take half-body photos showing only the part from their large boobs (omitting the flabby gut underneath) to their pudgy, chocolate brownie morsel-sprinkled face. Make sure to upload thousands of pictures of your friends, or pictures you took with your classmates and make people think they're your friends, because remember that people really care about this stuff. If you really want the girls though, be sure to take a picture of yourself with Heath Ledger's Joker makeup. And put on that..serious face. You know..
If you are still concerned, you can always use a picture of some really hot chick from Google Images, so no-one finds out who you really are. This method is frequently used by old paedophiles.
- Bulletins — This has replaced the once-popular insanity method of talking to oneself. Here you write about all the shit that nobody gives the slightest fuck about. Ok, we heard you the first time, if we WANTED to reply, we would have done so the first time. Millions of Myspace bulletins in the space of five minutes aren't gonna earn you any friends; they will encourage people to spam up your comments list.
- Friends — This feature was added to make little nerdy saps that nobody would go near without running away screaming at the top of their lungs feel like they have people who actually care for them. They live blissfully feeling "popular" when in reality the last person they talked to were the Jehovah's Witness that had to flee in terror last time they came and knocked on the door. Having over 1000 friends does NOT make you popular. It's thought that 1 out of every 150 MySpacers are a sub-ordinate of Paris Hilton. More friends = More sub-ordinates.
- Messages — When jerk offs think they're too cool to comment you (or if you can't find where to comment on someone's page because they're just "unique" like that, they (or in the case of situation #2) or you will message them. Messages usually start with words like hey, or wuzup, or LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RFOLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL PLEASE NOTICE ME!!! You will notice when someone is desperate to talk when you finish replying, and go back to your homepage, they have already commented back. If YOU sent a person a message and that person is a bitch, they will probably read your message, and just ignore you and be "cool". In the case that a person changed they're profile picture, and the picture has a dramatic change to the person's body, face, hair, or gender they probably want your reply to start with "WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT...", in that case, DO NOT REPLY BY SAYING WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT...! Do not give those attention whores what they want. They'll have a little celebration in their head saying OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN NOTICED! THANK YOU GOD!. Please Please let them kill themselves.
- Randoms — So maybe adding randoms could earn you some Myspace whores, but as much as people are flattered by your lovely comments on their "totally hawt hair lol" or "fxcking awesome t-shirt lol", that's only going to increase their feeling that you are a very shallow Myspace nerd who lacks his/ her own real-life friends. The amount of "friends" you have is a measure of status among your other "friends". The main aim of myspace is to have more friends than "Tom", the nerd in control who is "friends" with everybody.
- Bands — No, you aren't ACTUALLY friends with Fall Out Boy. Hate to break it to ya, but it's the truth, even though 99% of crappy Myspace bands are actually so shitty that nobody over the age of 12 with an IQ of over 40 would actually listen to them... hate to break it to THEM.
- Suicide Notes — If you were serious, it wouldn't be on Myspace "OMG I'm dejected and defeated. I feel like cutting my wrist lol, do you notice me now?". Suicide notes are not text or html, so, don't have a cow, man. Please notice also, not to take these seriously... all who write them fit under 2 catagories... 1: I'm writing this for attenstion... or 2: man I'm reaelly gunna do this...lifes sad..boohoo..mum wont let me buy a new 5th cellphone...In which case no-one gives a damn fuck...therefore it would be advised to ignore all suicide notes...eaither they die or not...its win/win...if they wanna die they do...and if they dont...they're gunna go do it (we hope) and make life easier for the rest of us!
- HTML formatting — If you haven't got this one down, you might as well forget the idea of owning a Myspace page entirely. In fact, even if you've got it down the bloated Myspace underworld doesn't need another jackass thinking they're a part of something that any normal person gives a shit about.
- Hate-Mail — Does NOT mean you are famous; quite possibly the opposite. So remember that before you put something stupid on your page like a glittering flash saying "Keep hatin, ur only makin me famous lol!". Keep in mind that MySpace "fame" is worth the exact same amount as the turd that came out of you the last time you sat down on the toilet.
- Begging — Posting a bulletin that says "new pics, comment please! lol!" or "PC4PC LOl?! COMENTS?!137eggfriedrice!!ZEBRASHIT!!!!suxmyc=8" makes you a whore. Period.
OHHH wait. A whore actually makes money whoring. So never mind. You're worse than a whore.
[edit] Showing Emotion
Only totally gey ppl actually type out 'I'm happy' or 'I'm angry' on Myspace! To show emotion on social networking sites such as Myspace, use the following expressions and smilies:
- Love: <3 (Its a ball sack, plain and simple. Some emos might think it's a heart!)
- Hate: </3 (Same as above except the ball sack seems to be cut off. Which is what would happen if your girlfriend wants to be a plastic surgeon someday or if she hates you)
- Happiness: =] (Note: Peoples mouth are not actually square, and their eyes are not that close together. If you do so happen to see someone with this dreadful affliction, feel free to contact your local plastic surgeon. Also note that the amount of "]'s" represents exactly how happy the person is. =]]] is a very popular way for scene kids to express their happiness or if their just fat and have too many chins.)
- Sadness: =[ (The opposite of happiness...which is very clever.)
- Confusion: =S or the apt statement "wtf" ("Williamstown Theatre Festival," most myspace users don't know what theatre is, therefore they are confused), :\ may also be used (Everyone knows that when you're confused your lips go all squiggly or slide into a perfect diagonal direction)
- Anger: >=( (It is nice to note that eyebrows shouldn't contract that far.)
- Laughter: xD or =D (shown with faces as "D's". The letter "D" represents a big mouth full of joy. The more "D's" there are the more amused they are. Example: xDDDDDD shows either great amusement or many, many chins.)
- Dick: 8===D~~ (shown by a girl after her and her mate had passionate passionate love)
- Boredom: ++$!| (Generally shown right after reading an Uncyclopedia article that's completely devoid of lulz.)
- Boobs: (.Y.)| (Generally shown right after reading an Uncyclopedia article that's completely full of sex...along with the penis.)
- also the basic 'alt' 1 & 2: ☺ & ☻ | (often used by geeks or people with no life and learn alt controls
[edit] Poser Emos
As you may have suspected, this is a prime location for the well known sport of emo-hating, as they crowd the place. Under no circumstances should you engage in this kind of activity, as emo-kids are very sensitive, and the slashes on their wrists could reach a new level of intensity. The emotional people of the future have gone far enough as to using ancient books of dark magic to destroy all the worlds!
Be absolutely sure to also note that Emos, as previously mentioned, are extremely sensitive. Even the slightest of an insult can and will send them into a deep and irreversible spiraling depression. They will also not "tolerate" questions such as the ever popular Why are you emo?That, my friend, will not go ever well. You will sit on that computer for hours listening to their incredibly sad (and boring) life story. Remember, though, to console them at every given pause. Because as we all know, pets lighten up our lives, and while a dog or a cat is nice, an Emo is even worse.
