Tom Waits
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“Achtung.”
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tom Waits
“Bless You.”
~ Jesus on Arnold Schwarzenegger
“We leave nothing but the bones.”
~ Army Ants on Tom Waits
“Tom Waits for no man.”
~ Tom Waits on Tom Waits
Tom Waits are widely used now in most gyms and available for purchase on almost all internet retailers and in black markets, however their existence is shrouded in mystery that hangs like some sort of fabric over the existence of the things this article is about. The only known maker of Tom Waits is, oddly enough, Tom Waits, the famous (I guess) singer and cobbler, although he is a bit dry by himself and is quite improved by a simple buttering and a pinch of sugar added before baking. Although it is not clear what flavour Tom Waits is supposed to be, it is clear that the waits he produces are some of the finest and most recognizable of the entire wait market with there various recycled middle school band and orchestra instruments being the prime material used.
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[edit] Craftsmanship and Technique
Tom Waits are made with superior quality discarded middle school band instruments, perfectly welded with accordions and 1920's violins to create their distinct feel and give the user a more effective resistance when exercising his or her arms, chest, and free speech rights. However, being that these are quite difficult objects to master Tom Waits has put out a line of compact discs in order to demonstrate the proper tones to be produced for a more complete workout and to avoid injury. A harsh, gravel-like, exhalation should be heard with every repetitition and an oom-pa rhythm should be steadily kept for the duration of the routine.
[edit] Biography
The illegitimate lovechild of a prostitute and a gin-soaked cigarette, this self-proclaimed jitterbug boy can be seen crawling his way out from inside greasy naughahyde booth seats in seedy pizza joints in Los Angeles via a rip that forms the arrow through a heart marking U.B.'s love for P.R. like Cupid's bastard child. Tom knows P.R. is pregnant with the son of the mulatto priest from Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility, but her secret is safe as long as it stays imprisoned beneath sewer grate bars.
When the moon reflects the pink neon lighting outside a strip joint filled with schizophrenics and epileptics, you know Tom is nearby, prowling in the dark, using his harmonica like a pogo stick to chase the sixty pound junkies and eighty pound rats onto a crescent shaped platform to act as a thirty-three piece orchestra. They can't play viola worth a damn, but they'll chill you and thrill you and they only ask for 5% of the cover charge.
The piano's been drinking, and so has the third seat clarinet player, but Tom's as sober as a Mormon in a cold shower. You'd think he was drunk though, the way he gets tripped up by the wind, flailing like a Buick in a hurricane.
When you hear his voice, you're convinced he's a seven-foot-tall Methuselah from the heart of the south, the kind of guy who flosses with razor wire and chain smokes the state of North Carolina in eighteen hours. You'd be surprised to learn the truth, but Tom will never tell you. It's locked up in the sewer with that mulatto boy, and as long as U.B. still trusts P.R., their only company will be drug store prophylactics and dead goldfish.
His latest release Orphans, is even said to contain dried on spittle from a particularly exuberant performance of The Frog Song.
[edit] Other Facts
- His favorite Pokemon is Diglet.
- He suffered for many years from a fear of cotton blankets.
[edit] Other Facts 2
Tom Waits has been nominated for 3(four) Academy Awards®, including 'best way to breathe', 'best insult to the Pope' and 'best immediate response to a german sheperd attack'.
