Tomato
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“ Although thought by the chronically uneducated to be a vegetable, the tomato is in fact a deciduous reptile that grows to an average length of 700ft. It lives on a diet of bamboo shoots, French Aristocrats and cars, and can smell and seek out draylon at a range of 2 miles. It's only natural predator is the Pygmy Armadillo. Inhabits the deep subterranean caves found beneath the expansive deserts of Poland, where it builds nests out of flat-pack furniture and listens to skiffle music. Makes ideal pet.â€
~ The Penguin Encyclopedia of Inaccurate Zoology
A tomato is a vegetable, a fruit and, above all, a scourge.
This vegetably fruit is the cause of several feudal and modern wars. For example in 1839 Hitler argued with Wilt Chamberlain about whether the infamous tomato was a fruit. In the end Hitler threw the tomato at Wilt's duodonem. The United States of Whatever instantly declared war on Deutschenbrochen and so the Boer Wars started. Additionally, several regional conflicts have arisen as a result of pronunciation differences. These "tuh-MAY- toe" versus "tuh-MAH-toe" wars have resulted in a total of nearly 2 million fatalities.
The tomato is often eaten with toenail clippings
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[edit] The Early Life of the Tomato
The tomato originated as the seriously mutated genetic offspring of a banana and a brussel sprout. It was described as the "miracle child" because the mouldy sprout was promised by her local MP that she could not conceive a child. But unlike Louis the 14th and somewhat similar to 15th century, the tomato was shunned from birth. The strict vegetable family it had been born into rejected the little guy/girl.
[edit] News Flash
Seven killed as tomato batters coast. George Bush gives birth! "It's a healthy, baby tomato!", says baby expert Micheal Jackson. At the sound of this, the tomato attacks George Bush, and they had to call in the Govenator. The final words of the Govenator were this, "I'll be back." In other news charlie was sloughterd by the most biggest tomatoe i have ever seen
[edit] Teenage Years
The tomato was not naturally pretty like the banana nor was it street smart like the sprout. So it wandered the streets feeding off foeti found outside the local brothel. But one day, whilst passing the local fruit church, the apple priest saw the lonely half cast and took it under his wing. During this turbulent teenage period the tomato learnt how to love and how to hold a wine glass properly. Life was good for this freak.
[edit] Early 20s
After several sexual lawsuits it turned out that the apple and the nun pear were only taking in organics without parents to abuse them sexually. So the tomato left the fruit church and started life new on the bushes.
[edit] Now
The tomato, although tasty, has been widely regarded as the beacon(and bacon) of evil, along with bananas and sprouts. It goes under several alias' such as tom8to in America, Catmato in France and Jomato in Spain.
Contrary to popular belief, the tomato can infact be tamed if approached by the highly trained professional. One such man, Justin Lee Collins has tamed the Tomato in order to be able to put Knorr in and get More out. Much like nuclear fusion, this process needs extreme brain power, high temperature and wherever possible, a large nose.
[edit] Trivia
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Intelligence is knowing not to put it into a fruit salad.
- Tomatoes have been known to communicate with dolphins via cabbage
- Contrary to popular belief, Tomatoes are lovers, not fighters.
- In the event one happens upon a male tomato, they are bound by moral obligation to stomp him before he can reproduce. Eating said tomato is an acceptable substitute... if for some reason, you want to be sober and still vomit.
- 300,000 people are killed by a tomato dropping yearly.
- There is another breed of tomatoes called caesarean tomatoes.
[edit] See also
Categories: Fruit | Vegetables | War | Red round things
