Tommy Lee Jones
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“I do love a man in a suit..”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tommy Lee Jones
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[edit] Early Life
Tommy Lee Jones, born as Tommy Jones (no relation to Indiana Jones despite various claims) is nevertheless named after the infamous Civil War general and stage directer Robert E Lee. Born on the island of Hiroshima off the coast of Japan at exactly 8:15 a.m., August 6th 1945. As the whereabouts of his parents are unknown, Jones has always notoriously insisted to be the first man ever born without biological parents (in other words, he is like Jesus except one parent better). Jones was raised by wolves somewhere in the countryside of Japan throughout his early childhood, and had one brother, whom he consumed in due course, and from this Jones attained his fabled hunger for the babies which now comprise 90% of his diet.
[edit] Coming to America
Jones moved to America in the early 1960's and quickly became a prominent member of the civil rights moment, being among the first white men to join the Black Panther organization Jones was permitted to do so upon his insistant claims that as he had no parents he consaquently has no race. To this day, when filling out job applications, jones typically selects "other" for ethinic background, and usually fills in "*" as a write in. Jones has aroused much contreversy amongst the scientific community who despite great descrepenceys have concluded that Jones is not in fact black by any means, and was most likely conceived by natural homosapein parents.
[edit] Early Years as a Federal Agent
Jones moved to Texas and became a Ranger in the early 1970's and became third most respected ranger in all of Texas, inferior to only George Bush and Chuck Norris. Quickly Jones moved up the ranks and became a U.S. Marshall in 1972, thus giving him jurisdiction over everything, Jones still holds this position to this very day.
[edit] Sexuality
In the late ninteen seventies Jones started a legendary disco band called Tommy and the Wild Bunch. The flambouyant band was a hit amongst bars and nightclubs of the Texas disco scene. The crew, consisting of five men with lots of chest hair wore pink and yellow spandex jumpers and sang cover songs for bands such as ABBA and The Village People. Jones became known as the "Male Dancing Queen of Texas" for his faboulus rendition of the ABBA hit, Dancing Queen. It was in this band were Jones first met his good friend Harisson Ford, Jones would later go on to star with Ford in several of his movies, Jones always holding somewhat of a secret admiration towards Ford, which was never in fact returned. Yet it was during this disco years were Jones became a sex addict, participating in various acts with multiple men, women, and small mammals. Jones was known for his participation in cocain-induced orgies that would last a period of weeks. Jones' authoritative, patriarcal act was big among the Texas Underground Swinger scene. It was during these years that Jones taught a young Sean "Puffy Combs the rules of karma sutra, the two studied together intensely for many years. He also feel in love with a salad once.
[edit] Rise to Fame
In the early 1980's Tommy Lee Jones left the disco scene, to move on to bigger things, joining a rock band called by the name Mötley Crüe. It has been rumored that Jones joined the band by walking up to them during a gig on a saturday evening, and proclaiming to the lead singer that he was "out of his jurisdiction", and that Jones would "take control of the situation." He then demanded the former lead singer go get him some coffee, and then wait for him back stage for some punishment. With Jones the band eventually raised to the top of the charts and it was at this point that Jones changed his legal name to Tömmy Lee Jönes. Eventually he also dropped the Jönes, so that he could be more of a badass.
[edit] Sex Tape
In 1995 Tommy Lee Jones walked up to a naked Pamela Anderson on a boat and claimed jurisdiction. It was here that the two produced the most legendary sex tape of all times, most notable in the fact that Tommy Lee Jones had a seventeen inch long penis, that had a tattoo of a little smiley face at the tip and the hole just in the center of the mouth. Critics have argued that the penis carries a strong resemblance to 2000 Presidential faliure Al Gore. However the sex tape was highly unsuccessful due to Jones' wrinkly old body, and failure to obtain an erection, as his massivly and unnaturaly huge penis was still not capable of filling Pamela Anderson's Vagina
[edit] Jurisdiction
It has been ruled in a 1995 court hearing that Tommy Lee Jones has Jurisdiction over everything.
[edit] Facial Disfiguration
1995, was a bad year for Tommy Lee Jones, following the stresses caused by his embarrassing sex tape and his 1995 court ordeal, it was found that O.J. Simpson's bloody glove did in fact fit Tommy Lee Jone's hand perfectly. Tommy Lee Jone's claim was that he was just that good of a detective that he was able to be at the crime scene, and trying on O.J.'s gloves, before the crime actually even happened. When it did happen Jones immediately claimed Jurisdiction. Jones would eventually be proven completely innocent, however upon the final moments of his trail a random guy jumped out of the jury box and dumped a bunch of acid on Tommy Lee Jone's face. The acid permanently dyed exactly half of Jone's face purple, along with any pair of clothes that he ever wore for the rest of his life. The acid dumper was never indentified, as he managed to accidentally break his leg in the escape to Virginia were he then lit himself on fire in a barn while constantly rambling that Jones was a dangerous tyrant, comparable to Julius Caesar.
[edit] Death
In a sad moment of the mid ninteen nineties, a badly scarred Tommy Lee Jones was killed by Batman. Authorities are insure what provoked the incident but have since used the example to promote against vigilante activity and violence. "Taking the law in ones own hands is unacceptable," as quoted by then self-appointed Texas Governer and emergencey law enforcement hero Chuck Norris, "the law is something that should only be handled by strongly authoratitive, centralized, borderline-facist action hero bad-asses like myself and the late Mr. Tommy Lee Jones, Individuals should not be trying to take the responsibility to act, it is completely un-American." A memorial has since been built in memory of Tommy Lee Jones in downtown Baghdad, it was later destroyed at the beginning of the War in Iraq by American troops who thought that it was Saddam Hussien.
[edit] Rumors of Tommy Lee Jones Sightings
Rumors that Tommy Lee Jones was still alive began circulating immediately upon his death. The government recently released formerly classified reports by Mexican Police that Tommy Lee Jones walked on to a 1999 crime scene in Mexico City, claimed jurisdiction, and then demanded that everyone else immediately "shut the fuck up" and leave. His appearance in the academy award wining 2005 film Man of the House, has raised further speculation of his livelihood.
[edit] Situations in which Tommy Lee Jones has claimed jurisdiction
- Tommy Lee Jones claims jurisdiction over all aliens found on the planet earth
- Tommy Lee Jones is entitled to jurisdiction over any place surrounded by yellow tape
- All cops are nimrod morons, therefore Tommy Lee Jones obtains jurisdiction over them
- Tommy Lee Jones claims jurisdiction over all women
- Tommy Lee Jones claimed jurisdiction over your mother sometime around nine months before you were born
- Tommy Lee Jones is everyones dad
- Tommy Lee Jones is his own dad
- Tommy Lee Jones is Your Mom
- Tommy Lee Jones claimed jurisdiction over both North and South Vietnam on April 30, 1975, thus ending the war and bringing victory to the states.
- Tommy Lee Jones obtains jurisdiction of uncyclopedia.org
- In the late 90's Tommy Lee Jones obtained jurisdiction of Napster and shut it down because he didn't like cats.
- Tommy Lee Jones broke down the Berlin Wall with his right hand in 1989, therefore bringing the cold war to an end. (David Hasselhoff was present, but working under the jurisdiction of Jones)
- In 1776 Tommy Lee Jone's grandpa claimed jurisdiction over the United States of America and then killed all of the Indians with his bare hands
[edit] See Also
Categories: People | Actors | Films
