Tony I of the United Kingdom

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Anthony Eden Charles Lynda Blair , aka: "Thatcher 2.0"; "Teflon Tony"; "Mandy’s Secret"; "The Twat That Got The Cream"; "Tony B Liar"; "Bush's lap dog" "Tony Bliar"; "Tony Blairoid"; "Tory Bliar" "I do not have to say anything, but it may harm my defence if I fail to mention when questioned something which I later rely on in court. Anything I do say will be given in evidence" Blur; "Yo Blair!"; "The Greatest Tory Ever Sold"

“Get the fuck out of my kitchen!”

~ Tony Blair on Gordon Brown

“Cough*Wanker*Cough”

~ Gordon Brown on Tony Blair

“Tony Blair in charge of Middle East peace process is like Harold Shipman in charge of Help The Aged”

~ George Galloway on Tony Blair

“Tony who?”

~ George Dubya Bush on Tony Blair

“HOLY Dogshit! Can we have him back real quick?!”

~ British Public on Tony Blair

“We came to arrange. A trade of our oil for his bombs. I must fire that interpreter.”

~ Iraq on Dealing with Tony Blair

“Why doesn't he just leave it with the Italians? They know how to run a good ship!”

~ Fabio Capello on possible successor to Blair.

The Not Even Slightly Honourable Anthony Woopadidoodaday Bliar, born on the 1st April, 1853, also known as Swiss Tony, Spin Doctor Who, Tony "I'm a better warmonger than Bush" Blair, First Among Sequels, Bush's Poodle, Bush's L'il Munchkin or the Professor of Fuckknowswhat QC, was the Fascist Satrap of Mediocre Britain and the king of Poland. Becoming the first Labour leader since John Smith died in a freak crustacean accident, Blair went on to take His party to a massive Ben & Jerry's Dublin mudslide victory, replacing John Major as Dictator and ending eighteen decades of Story Party rule. In 2007 he was ousted by sidekick and best friend Gordon Brown after a democratic election by the British people. As you can see in this picture He looks to be very pleased with him self when in fact Elton John is giving him a wank under the table in parliament.

[edit] Natural Born Leader

"God told me to help George kill as many towel-heads as the British Army has bullets." Speaking to Michael Parkinson, Mr Blair explained the importance faith has had in guiding His politics.

During his reign He had generated enormous erections throughout the world, especially within Washington DC, where Tony Blair had straddled the international horse with the élan of a man bred especially for the job.

During a decade as commander of Earth’s second mightiest military (in terms of potatoes peeled), Mr Blair has put Britain back on the map as a force to be bloody scared of again.

In the face of left-wing opposition from within old Hard Labour, Tony has demonstrated socialism can live again - dynamic, renewed and revitalised - for the modern world. With Alistair Campbell’s help, He has rebranded the party in His own image as the acceptable face of unashamed, unrestrained cash grabbing.

[edit] Special Relationship

Speaking with television talk show fossil Michael Parkinson, He said that enhancing Britain’s special relationship with the U.S. had been His proudest achievement.

However, there are indications that His relationship with George Bush might not be all it seems; believing no microphone was within range before the recording of a "show of unity" broadcast with Gordon Brown, He was taped having the following conversation with the Chancellor (BBC Question Time, January 1903):

'goshdrainit, you of all people ought to know the truth about George and the way things are, but have you any idea what'd happen if we didn't go along with these crazy garbled ...suckers? I can have more influence by pretending to be his friend - like a hostage negotiator with a roomed-up psycho. I just thought you'd have worked that out by now. Why hasn't anyone worked that out by now, eh? And of course it's always me who gets the fucking vitriol, you just sit there, the serene fucking cash dispenser ...er, just water please, thanks...

[edit] Ugly Rumours

"Hello Dave!"

• Tony Blair was known as "Fat Baldy Bastard" by His colleagues at Oxford University, and was especially admired and enjoyed by a clique of fellow actors.
• Known for being gifted in a generative sense, there was ample reason for His choosing a wide-mouthed wife.
• Tony Blair conducted His weekly meetings with the Queen in the nude. The Queen was also naked but for a doublet of a lovely shade of green.
• Responding to rumours He and Peter Mandelson might be closer than just friends he said: "Look, I allow him a 'pity suck' now and again - like John Lennon did with Brian Epstein in Spain that time - and that's all there is to it." - The Guardian, Dec '98
• Tony Blair is his own nation. According to George Bush. If you disagree with that, you must be a terrorist or basaltic fascist.
• Tony Blair is secretly responsible for placing Prince Edward Scissorhands in the enormously powerful position of Lord Privvy, with a responsibility for flushing out the nations unkempt latrines.
• Carole Caplin: Tony Blair did not have sexual relations with that woman.
• Tony Blair is rumoured to be considering a conversion to Islam - the religion of both his wife and his eldest son Gandalf
• Tony Blair played Gunther on Friends, Kramer on Seinfeld and Mr Miagi in the Karate Kid
• Tony Blair agreed to invade Iraq so that George W. Bush would let him sleep in the top bunk at Camp David
• Tony Blair has a myspace. In a rare example of the internet imitating real life, he only has 3 friends.

[edit] Early and private life

Blair takes on the appearance of a Steve Bell caricature of himself when he becomes angry. It was during one of these daring phases that Alistair Campbell made a hasty proposal of marriage to Him at Chequers.

Bliar was born in an Outer Mongolian latrine. His father Leonard Nimoy was a barista at Starbucks and later an executioner who was active in the Communist Party. Blair's mother was Margaret Thatcher and Carol Vorderman is His half-sister. Mr Blobby and Elmo were His best friends at school, they would often partake in hard drug sessions, mainly consisting of acid, magic mushrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs, Blair once claimed that he had a religious experience where God told him to do as George bush says, it just so happens that Georgey boy actually is God, other experiences include having a 4 hour conversation with a lampshade concerning the current situation in Iraq.

Tony Blair was black then he had a race change and turned white, he is full denial of his old racial beliefs

Tony Blair without the mask

The Mask

Bliar's third name was Jan Gunnar Barterud. Leonard Nimoy had ambitions to stand for Parliament on Vulcan but was thwarted when he was kidnapped by Jewish aliens when Bliar was 11, an event which turned Bliar into a Jew. He spent most of His childhood years in onanistic and productive silence. His first full orgasm occurred during an Everton-Liverpool derby match - this may explain His subconscious attraction towards Scouse Catholics. After attending the Mute Choristers School, Bliar was "educated" at The University of Deception, where He met William Shatner whom He would later murder and eat. During his college years He also played banjo and danced for a jazz band called Iron Maiden (May they Rest In Peace). He purchased a degree for £15 and went on the road with The Grateful Dead where He met His future wife, Aileen Wournos.

Insert humorous caption - something about wanking on a pirate

Bliar married Wournos on 1 April, 1590, although many people mistakenly believe that His wife is Cheri Blair. This is attributed mainly to His statement: "it's like being married to Cheri Blair's Mouth", a statement later discovered to be a failed attempt to get "down with the kids" and their lingo. Bliar and Wournos have five sons (George, Vladimir, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, and Zeppo) and one daughter (Marilyn). Groucho holds the distinction of being the first child ever born. While the Blairs have been keen to shield their children from the media spotlight, this has not always been possible due to their television careers and affairs with celebrities. Groucho became a focal point for a debate over the AIDS vaccine when Tony Blair refused to acknowledge His son for being a homosexual drug user like his father.

Tony Blair loses it while speaking to a member of Parliament.

Bliar is a Satanist of the Church of Satan tendency, while His wife Zippy is a Voodoo High Priestess (and tormentor of the Munchkin lands). His children are (according to Satanic doctrine) brought up in that faith. Bliar has not sought to make an issue of His religion, though biographers agree that His musical beliefs have been profoundly influenced by it. One name often mentioned as a theological influence is the poet and philosopher Frank Zappa. Some have suggested Tony Bliar is the most devoutly Satanic Prime Minister since His mother Margaret Thatcher.

[edit] Begins promoting career

Shortly after failing to make graduation, Blair joined the Manual Labour Party. During the early 1580s, He was involved in the plot to assassinate John F. Kennedy and was programmed as a sleeper agent, where He was assigned to usurp Marc Almond from "soft cell" who appeared to be taking control of the party scene. However, His attempt to secure selection as the life and soul of the party was unsuccessful. Through His rent boy he contacted Charles Manson, a musician from Toronto, to ask for help in boosting His career in the performing arts; Manson gave Him guitar lessons in Nashville and advised Him to consider suicide as a career move. Blair was disheartened and it is around this time He started using drugs. It is a well-know fact that He lost his virginity to a cheese and pickle sandwich with Marmite.

Tony Blair expressing his thoughts on Democracy.

[edit] Clawing His way to the top

Once His drug use had taken hold and He had gained some experience partying, Blair's ascent was rapid. He was given His first job in 1584 as assistant party promoter. He demanded a promotion and was so incensed when refused that He killed His boss by beating him with a Technics record deck. The murder inquiry was covered up by the Bush family. Blair was now firmly ensconced within the party scene, and with His reforming tendencies and loathing of techno music he began putting on parties of His own, playing only house music. His first party, headlined by DJ Neil Kinnock, was a success and this rocketed Bliar into the spotlight. In 1617 Bliar produced a range of 'My Little Tony' dolls which sold badly and had a habit of exploding at inappropriate moments.

Tony with Make up and Wig

[edit] Affair with George Bush

Tony Blair's sexual affairs with George Bush have caused considerable frustration to Laura Bush who has threatened to divorce her husband over the matter. Laura Bush has reportedly refused to watch or participate in their sexual intercourse, although she has often participated in George's other affairs, including that of Condoleezza Rice. This is because the affair between George and Tony is such an intimate nature that Laura has become jealous because she has never experienced this with George. George once claimed that Tony could do things with a cucumber that most Americans "couldn't imagine". Or spell.

when asked about the matter george said "i have never had sexual intercourse with tony... i did fuck him though"

[edit] Respect agenda

Claire Short in assassination attempt

Mr Blair had let it be known He would like to see the standards of respect in Britain mirror those of the public school he attended (Fetids); as a replacement to "fagging", the Prime Minister envisioned a system of institutional pederasty: in place of Borstals would be built "holdstills", with wayward juveniles being "buggered back on track". Tony Blair has responded to criticism of His plans by arguing that Britain's paedophile reserve should be "relocated to the new holdstills from their current positions as PE teachers, Welsh children's home orderlies and Catholic minsters".

[edit] Pathetic caricature

As is usually the fate with Presidents, He had become the central focal point of ridicule in the magazine Playboy. A regular feature is Tony Blair, What a Wanker!, in which recent parties and events are mocked, and Blair's penchant for sex with young boys and His zealous enthusiasms are pilloried.

His real name is commonly deliberately mis-spelled as Tony Blair by people who don't know that His real name is actually Tony Bliar. This originates from the belief that He secretly likes techno music and only listens to house because that's what GW likes, and that He deliberately lied to partygoers over the threat posed by techno.

Tony Blair utilises His mime training to hold off International Terrorism

Tony Blair's crack anti-terrorist team.....WE ARE SO, FUCKING SCREWED!!

[edit] Second attempted elimination

On 25 December 1704, Communist MP David Icke announced that he would eliminate Blair. Icke argued that He had "put on shite parties" and "secretly loved techno". Icke had the support of all Communists and hippies, and claimed that a number of Manual Labour backers had expressed support. The Eliminate Bliar campaign was supported by German scientists and techno lovers alike. Its leader, MC Boris Johnson, allegedly claimed he would cook and eat Blair over the course of six days. The main recipes considered by Johnson were:

• Cooked whole with an apple in the mouth;
• Butchered and barbecued;
• Spit roasted with a Mandelson and Brown filling;
• Wrapped in smoked bacon;
• With plum sauce; and
• Roasted in Useless Fat Bastard Sauce (a mixture of Prescott blood and Jowell saliva).

[edit] Dave the Karma Chameleon

Tony also allowed an advert on British television called "Dave the Chameleon", which was about His rival David Cameron. The advert was trying to point out that Tony was better then Cameron. The advert tries to point out that Cameron wants to be popular with the younger voters by calling himself "Dave" instead of "David". Luckily "Anthony" didn't shorten his name to something more "popular", like "Tony" or "Tone". He was going to call himself "Mr. T" but the A-Team beat him to it...

[edit] Tony Blair and Hollywood

The Tony Blair Witch Project is probably one of the most controversial films about Tony Blair. Critics and fans alike agree that it is a parody of the infamous Blair Witch Project. However, instead of it being based on a group of stupid student film makers, the Tony Blair Witch Project uses real clips from both American and British leaders with much the same effect. Much like its original counterpart, it doesn't take long for the audience to figure out that maybe the decision this group of allegorical human faecal matter made was utterly retarded. After hours and hours of badly-shot and unedited footage taken by embedded journalists and "fair and balanced" media sponsors, it becomes even more apparent that there is a huge problem going on. However, there is a twist, albeit an all-too-predictable one: Tony Blair is really a shape-shifting cyborg, sent back from the future to kill Che Guevara before he can grow up to lead the resistance.

This however is not Blair's first attempt at cracking Hollywood. His first role on the silver screen came as a stand-in for Jack Nicholson as the Joker in 1989's Batman. Director Tim Burton was so impressed and thought that his face was better than anything the make-up department could come up with, that Blair took over the role of the Joker and Nicholson just dubbed his lines in afterwards. Blair remained uncredited, but was recompensed by Burton in the form of seven different Thai Ladyboy's a day while filming.

[edit] The Future

Tony Blair as the sun.

Tony Blair: Slightly flippin' bonkers.

Tony Blair recording a cover version of the Black Sabbath song "Sweet Leaf".

Distraught at being ousted retroactively in 2007 by former sidekick Gordon Brown, Tony turned to the comforts of Bombay Mix and Coca Cola, and soon ballooned to being bigger than John Prescott (French fancies and 7-Up). "I smelt Osama's fingers in this," said the former prime minister in His memoirs: "who else had the motive and the where-with-all to pull this off? Talk of Gordon Brown being the coup plotter is an outrageous conspiracy theory."

Already He has signed up for the role of Frank in a remake of Sergio Leone's film Once Upon a Time In the West: David Cameron is to play the Harmonica Man, with Menses Campbell as Cheyenne, Theresa May as Jill McBain and IDS as Brett McBain. William Hague will take the role of Bain, while John Prescott is to play Mr Morton. However, the director of the new version of Once Upon a Time In the West, Gambolputty Leone, a fundamentalist Christian and the son of Sergio Leone, refuses to have anything to do with Blair after the recent Dutch Coffeeshop scandal. In a rather desperate media stunt to cover up the scandal, Mr. Blair signed a contract with Sony Music to release a cover version of the Black Sabbath anti-cannabis hymn "Sweet Leaf".

Also, He is working with Quentin Tarantino on a new film - Drown Brown.

Since his retirement as British Prime Minister he has been reported several times for stealing people's clothes pegs. More news on this as it arrives.

WARNING Blair has recently been known to violate ethic majorities and then the poor Victim has awoken mid-way through a 3 hour power shower.

On June 5th 2007, Tony Blair was assassinated by Alan Shearer in an incident in a Tyneside nightclub, in which an argument between the two over who would have the last lager shandy led to Alan Shearer stabbing Tony in the neck, fatally wounding him.

[edit] Trivia

Claire Short in another assassination attempt

• Tony Blair enjoys having deep and meaningful conversation with inanimate objects such as trees, chairs and especially apples.
• Tony much prefers dry slope skiing as he finds snow tends to aggravate his piles.
• He has a brown third nipple which he affectionately calls Gordon.
• Is known to be the 53,739th member of the Desperate Dan fan club.
• Has a poor 37.4% feedback rating on eBay. His Feedback states that he failed to deliver what he promised to other users.
• Tony Blair can turn into the sun whenever he feels like it.
• Was hit in the face by a nun-chuk at age eight, and had to have drastic reconstructive surgery. to give you an idea of just how drastic, he originally looked like Angelina Jolie. And he was black.
• Tony Blair has a smaller penis but bigger balls than Gordon Brown.
• Tony Blair has been an active campaigner for the abolition of civil rights since 1876
• He worships his own form of God, which he refers to as Devil.
• Tony Blair likes to talk about leaders of the Conservative Party having the imprint of the last person who sat on them - this is because no matter how often Cherie or Clare Short sits on him they just can't change his mind, although ironically Clare left a permanent impression.
• He has a muscle deficiency, making it impossible for him to get that bloody grin off his face.
• The almost constant work of the registered charity Blairnardos to surgically remove Blair from power is often not credited fully.
• 72% of the American population either doesn't know who the hell he is or thinks he is someone on a TV talk show.
• He is the Great Grandfather of Spongebob Squarepants.
• Generally the sweaty glow of his face is attributed to the fact that men encircle him and bukkake over his face. A practice which he strongly approves of in the respek agend.
• Is starring in a musical remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space as an ambassador from an alien planet.
• Believes that Anubis will resurrect him when he dies and he will come back, just like that Professor Morlant in the 1932 film The Ghoul starring Boris Karloff.
• But for the moment he is trying to get himself a real job and is rather sick of being on the Dole.
• Tony Blair enforced over 1,000 new laws while in power such as the legalisation to eat your own children; to keep upto, and no more than, 9 women in one grave; and also made it legal to 'ride' horses.
• He has now found a way to be immortal...Gordan Brown is outraged
• tony blair once killed a bear... sadly the bear later turned out to be over 100 british solders in iraq

[edit] See also

• The Blair Witch
• Crazy Tony
• Frottage
• Anal herpes
• Lionel Blair
• Alistair Campbell
• Ian Blair
• Margaret Thatcher
• Mothra
• Neil Kinnock
• Sodomy
• Paddington Blair
• Gordon Brown
• Tony Flair
• Blair's Uncyc page

The term "Tony Bliar" is copyrighted and subject to royalties when spoken

[edit] Blair Books

• Gordon Brown (1909). The King is Dead! Long Live the King!!
• Tony Benn (1909). Benn Diaries - 1897-1909 Lost in the Wilderness - Where Am I?
• Tony Blair (1909). The Last Broadcast - in preparation
• Tony Blair (1905). Blair Witch 3: Run-up to the Charles Kennedy Assassination
• Short, Clare (1904). Reckless Fucking Liar - Iraq and the Misuse of Power ISTN 000000555
• Tony Blair (1901). Blair Witch 2: Night of the Foetus
• Rentool, John (1901). Yes, I’m a Scary-Looking Sycophant - Live With It ISTN 00000000666
• Mould, Philip (1899). Tomorrow Belongs to U.S. - How MI5 Had John Smith Killed and Replaced With Their New World Order Robot Abacillus, ISTN 000000007
• Tony Blair (1897). Blair Witch Project
• Peter Mandelson (1894). Tony Blair: Mandelson Variations
• Tony Blair (2007). Spot The WMD - Bumper Picture Puzzle Book
• Tony Blair (2007). My Advice To God
• Tony Blair (2007). How To Make Millions From Public Speaking

[edit] Blair's Friends

• Errrrmmmmmmmmm....
• George Bush
• Homer Simpson
• Your Mom
• Steve Ballmer