Tony I of the United Kingdom
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“Get the fuck out of my kitchen!”
~ Tony Blair on Gordon Brown
“Cough*Wanker*Cough”
~ Gordon Brown on Tony Blair
“He Ain't heavy, he's my brother”
~ Lionel Blair on Tony Blair
“What's the difference between Tony Blair and a polo mint? Tony Blair's a cunt!”
“MMM...Bush”
~ Homer Simpson as Tony Blair
The Not Even Slightly Honourable Anthony Woopadidoodaday Bliar, born on the 1st April, 1853, also known as Swiss Tony, Spin Doctor Who, Tony "I'm a better warmonger than Bush" Blair, First Among Sequels, Bush's Poodle, Bush's L'il Munchkin or the Professor of Fuckknowswhat QC, winner of the Why didn't anyone think of that before?! award was the Fascist Satrap of Mediocre Britain and the king of Poland. Becoming the first Labour leader since John Smith died in a freak crustacean accident, Blair went on to take His party to a massive Ben & Jerry's Dublin mudslide victory, replacing John Major as Dictator and ending eighteen decades of Story Party rule. In 2007 he was ousted by sidekick and best friend Gordon Brown after a democratic election by the British people. As you can see in this picture He looks to be very pleased with him self when in fact Elton John is giving him a wank under the table in parliament. Tony Blair owned a small dog called rusty... rusty choked and died
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[edit] Natural Born Leader
During his reign He had generated enormous erections throughout the world, especially within Washington DC, where Tony Blair had straddled the international horse with the élan of a man bred especially for the job.
During a decade as commander of Earth’s second mightiest military (in terms of potatoes peeled), Mr Blair has put Britain back on the map as a force to be bloody scared of again.
In the face of left-wing opposition from within old Hard Labour, Tony has demonstrated socialism can live again - dynamic, renewed and revitalised - for the modern world. With Alistair Campbell’s help, He has rebranded the party in His own image as the acceptable face of unashamed, unrestrained cash grabbing.
[edit] Special Relationship
Speaking with television talk show fossil Michael Parkinson, He said that enhancing Britain’s special relationship with the U.S. had been His proudest achievement.
However, there are indications that His relationship with George Bush might not be all it seems; believing no microphone was within range before the recording of a "show of unity" broadcast with Gordon Brown, He was taped having the following conversation with the Chancellor (BBC Question Time, January 1903):
| goshdrainit, you of all people ought to know the truth about George and the way things are, but have you any idea what'd happen if we didn't go along with these crazy garbled ...suckers? I can have more influence by pretending to be his friend - like a hostage negotiator with a roomed-up psycho. I just thought you'd have worked that out by now. Why hasn't anyone worked that out by now, eh? And of course it's always me who gets the fucking vitriol, you just sit there, the serene fucking cash dispenser ...er, just water please, thanks... |
[edit] Early and private life
Bliar was born in an Outer Mongolian latrine and being born a Spin Lord Blair was given 13 lives as well as a TARDIS which Alistair Campbell had build so that he could travel in space and time in order to avoid gaffs. Blair's first 8 lives were spent as Genghis Khan, Mozart, Attila The Hun, Ruhollah Khomeini, Idi Amin Dada, Leopold II of Belgium, Vlad Ţepeş, and Ivan IV of Russia. Then Blair regenerated into his 9th body, his own mother, Margaret Thatcher. His father Leonard Nimoy was a barista at Starbucks and later an executioner who was active in the Communist Party. Blair's mother was Margaret Thatcher and Carol Vorderman is His half-sister. Mr Blobby and Elmo were His best friends at school, they would often partake in hard drug sessions, mainly consisting of acid, magic mushrooms and other hallucinogenic drugs, Blair once claimed that he had a religious experience where God told him to do as George bush says, it just so happens that Georgey boy actually is God, other experiences include having a 4 hour conversation with a lampshade concerning the current situation in Iraq.
Tony Blair was black then he had a race change and turned white, he is full denial of his old racial beliefs
Bliar's third name was Jan Gunnar Barterud. Leonard Nimoy had ambitions to stand for Parliament on Vulcan but was thwarted when he was kidnapped by Jewish aliens when Bliar was 11, an event which turned Bliar into a Jew. He spent most of His childhood years in onanistic and productive silence. His first full orgasm occurred during an Everton-Liverpool derby match - this may explain His subconscious attraction towards Scouse Catholics. After attending the Mute Choristers School, Bliar was "educated" at The University of Deception, where He met William Shatner whom He would later murder and eat. During his college years He also played banjo and danced for a jazz band called Iron Maiden (May they Rest In Peace). He purchased a degree for £15 and went on the road with The Grateful Dead where He met His future wife, Aileen Wournos.
Bliar married Wournos on 1 April, 1590, although many people mistakenly believe that His wife is Cheri Blair. This is attributed mainly to His statement: "it's like being married to Cheri Blair's Mouth", a statement later discovered to be a failed attempt to get "down with the kids" and their lingo. Bliar and Wournos have five sons (George, Vladimir, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, and Zeppo) and one daughter (Marilyn). Groucho holds the distinction of being the first child ever born. While the Blairs have been keen to shield their children from the media spotlight, this has not always been possible due to their television careers and affairs with celebrities. Groucho became a focal point for a debate over the AIDS vaccine when Tony Blair refused to acknowledge His son for being a homosexual drug user like his father.
Bliar is a Satanist of the Church of Satan tendency, while His wife Zippy is a Voodoo High Priestess (and tormentor of the Munchkin lands). His children are (according to Satanic doctrine) brought up in that faith. Bliar has not sought to make an issue of His religion, though biographers agree that His musical beliefs have been profoundly influenced by it. One name often mentioned as a theological influence is the poet and philosopher Frank Zappa. Some have suggested Tony Bliar is the most devoutly Satanic Prime Minister since His mother Margaret Thatcher.
[edit] Begins promoting career
Shortly after failing to make graduation, Blair joined the Manual Labour Party. During the early 1580s, He was involved in the plot to assassinate John F. Kennedy and was programmed as a sleeper agent, where He was assigned to usurp Marc Almond from "soft cell" who appeared to be taking control of the party scene. However, His attempt to secure selection as the life and soul of the party was unsuccessful. Through His rent boy he contacted Charles Manson, a musician from Toronto, to ask for help in boosting His career in the performing arts; Manson gave Him guitar lessons in Nashville and advised Him to consider suicide as a career move. Blair was disheartened and it is around this time He started using drugs. It is a well-know fact that He lost his virginity to a cheese and pickle sandwich with Marmite.
[edit] Clawing His way to the top
Once His drug use had taken hold and He had gained some experience partying, Blair's ascent was rapid. He was given His first job in 1584 as assistant party promoter. He demanded a promotion and was so incensed when refused that He killed His boss by beating him with a Technics record deck. The murder inquiry was covered up by the Bush family. Blair was now firmly ensconced within the party scene, and with His reforming tendencies and loathing of techno music he began putting on parties of His own, playing only house music. His first party, headlined by DJ Neil Kinnock, was a success and this rocketed Bliar into the spotlight. In 1617 Bliar produced a range of 'My Little Tony' dolls which sold badly and had a habit of exploding at inappropriate moments.
[edit] Affair with George Bush
Tony Blair's sexual affairs with George Bush have caused considerable frustration to Laura Bush who has threatened to divorce her husband over the matter. Laura Bush has reportedly refused to watch or participate in their sexual intercourse, although she has often participated in George's other affairs, including that of Condoleezza Rice. This is because the affair between George and Tony is such an intimate nature that Laura has become jealous because she has never experienced this with George. George once claimed that Tony could do things with a cucumber that most Americans "couldn't imagine".
[edit] Respect agenda
Mr Blair had let it be known He would like to see the standards of respect in Britain mirror those of the public school he attended (Fetids); as a replacement to "fagging", the Prime Minister envisioned a system of institutional pederasty: in place of Borstals would be built "holdstills", with wayward juveniles being "buggered back on track". Tony Blair has responded to criticism of His plans by arguing that Britain's paedophile reserve should be "relocated to the new holdstills from their current positions as PE teachers, Welsh children's home orderlies and Catholic minsters after losing the list
of peadophiles in britain he then decided to home them in old people homes.
[edit] Pathetic caricature
As is usually the fate with Presidents, He had become the central focal point of ridicule in the magazine Playboy. A regular feature is "Tony Blair:Politics Stud" in which recent parties and events are mocked, and Blair's penchant for sex with young boys and His zealous enthusiasms are pilloried.
His real name is commonly deliberately mis-spelled as Tony Blair by people who don't know that His real name is actually Tony Bliar. This originates from the belief that He secretly likes techno music and only listens to house because that's what GW likes, and that He deliberately lied to partygoers over the threat posed by techno.
[edit] Second attempted elimination
On 25 December 1704, Communist MP David Icke announced that he would eliminate Blair. Icke argued that He had "put on shite parties" and "secretly loved techno". Icke had the support of all Communists and hippies, and claimed that a number of Manual Labour backers had expressed support. The Eliminate Bliar campaign was supported by German scientists and techno lovers alike. Its leader, MC Boris Johnson, allegedly claimed he would cook and eat Blair over the course of six days.
[edit] Dave the Karma Chameleon
Tony also allowed an advert on British television called "Dave the Chameleon", which was about His rival David Cameron. The advert was trying to point out that Tony was better then Cameron. The advert tries to point out that Cameron wants to be popular with the younger voters by calling himself "Dave" instead of "David". Luckily "Anthony" didn't shorten his name to something more "popular", like "Tony" or "Tone". He was going to call himself "Mr. T" but the A-Team beat him to it...
[edit] Puppet Manufacturing
Tony Blair is the Eastern European top manufacturer of puppets, and other small figures. He creates his pieces to be most lifelike, and to exact proportion. One of his most famous figures was the 'Dancing Vagina', which was a dwarf who was holding a long, wooden stick. This puppet sold over 92.4 billion copies in the world, and still sells over 2000 a day. His recent work tends to be more abstract, whilst still having a purpose. His workshop is in Dilham, Norfolk. This he finds to be a good stimulation for sculpting. If you wish to request some of his work, then I advise looking on various Chinese websites, which he uses to sell his produce.
[edit] Previous Convictions
Blair has been arrested on various occations, mainly for Sexual Assault. In 1824, he was caught attempting to steal a fridge from HMV at 16:00 on a Wednesday. He was fined £18,000, and had to work overtime in a chip shop to raise the money. He was also found urinating in public areas ,he claimed that the police office walked under the bridge and it was not his fault and was fined the minimum charge (£80). He has been warned in numerous different situations about violent behaviour. He has however, kept a clean record since 13/08/08, when he was caught naked running after old women in the park.
[edit] Tony Blair and Hollywood
The Tony Blair Witch Project is probably one of the most controversial films about Tony Blair. Critics and fans alike agree that it is a parody of the infamous Blair Witch Project. However, instead of it being based on a group of stupid student film makers, the Tony Blair Witch Project uses real clips from both American and British leaders with much the same effect. Much like its original counterpart, it doesn't take long for the audience to figure out that maybe the decision this group of allegorical human faecal matter made was utterly retarded. After hours and hours of badly-shot and unedited footage taken by embedded journalists and "fair and balanced" media sponsors, it becomes even more apparent that there is a huge problem going on. However, there is a twist, albeit an all-too-predictable one: Tony Blair is really a shape-shifting cyborg, sent back from the future to kill Che Guevara before he can grow up to lead the resistance.
This however is not Blair's first attempt at cracking Hollywood. His first role on the silver screen came as a stand-in for Jack Nicholson as the Joker in 1989's Batman. Director Tim Burton was so impressed and thought that his face was better than anything the make-up department could come up with, that Blair took over the role of the Joker and Nicholson just dubbed his lines in afterwards. Blair remained uncredited, but was recompensed by Burton in the form of seven different Thai Ladyboy's a day while filming.
[edit] The Future
Distraught at being ousted retroactively in 2007 by former sidekick Gordon Brown, Tony turned to the comforts of Bombay Mix and Coca Cola, and soon ballooned to being bigger than John Prescott (French fancies and 7-Up). "I smelt Osama's fingers in this," said the former prime minister in His memoirs: "who else had the motive and the where-with-all to pull this off? Talk of Gordon Brown being the coup plotter is an outrageous conspiracy theory."
Already He has signed up for the role of Frank in a remake of Sergio Leone's film Once Upon a Time In the West: David Cameron is to play the Harmonica Man, with Menses Campbell as Cheyenne, Theresa May as Jill McBain and IDS as Brett McBain. William Hague will take the role of Bain, while John Prescott is to play Mr Morton. However, the director of the new version of Once Upon a Time In the West, Gambolputty Leone, a fundamentalist Christian and the son of Sergio Leone, refuses to have anything to do with Blair after the recent Dutch Coffeeshop scandal. In a rather desperate media stunt to cover up the scandal, Mr. Blair signed a contract with Sony Music to release a cover version of the Black Sabbath anti-cannabis hymn "Sweet Leaf" while at the same time has his own private superskunk farm hidden away in his attic.
On June 5th 2007, Tony Blair was assassinated by Alan Shearer in an incident in a Tyneside nightclub, in which an argument between the two over who would have the last lager shandy led to Alan Shearer stabbing Tony in the neck, fatally wounding him, leading Blair to regenerate into his 10th body. After a short period of confusion Blair assumed the alias of David Cameron and traveled back in time to 2001 on a mission to save the Conservative Party from Iain and Duncan Smith and Count Mikhailos Brian Howardii. However, after the Conservative Party formed a government in May 2010 it took only 2 years for the Party to revert to its natural sleazy, useless, and evil ways when it turned out that "Blair-Cameron's" new policy to eliminate poverty was, in fact, the mass extermination of anyone over 21 years of age who earned below £16,000 pa. For the next eighty years Blair-Cameron went hiking in the Yorkshire dales until he finally regenerated into his 11th body.
After Blair regenerated into his 11th body he went back in time to the USA under his new persona of Barack Obama in 2005, which is the first time Barack Obama was first seen anywhere ever! By 2008 Blair decided to run for the 2008 Presidential Election. Recent comparisons between Obama's policy-deficient, populist, "change"-based and charismatic campaign in 2008 and Blair's policy-deficient, populist, "change"-based and charismatic campaign in 1997 proves that Obama and Blair are, in fact, the same person. The name 'Oblairma' is what Mr. Blair now prefers to be called in private.
Research also looked into Oblairma's use of punchlines like "Yes We Can!", "Change We Can Believe In", "45 Minutes To Go" and "I Did What I Thought Was Right". Results show a 97% likeness in their comments, proving the Oblairma theory. A recent poll shows that 92% of Britons believe in Oblairma, yet since Americans are currently in the Oblairma brainwash period that Britain underwent in 1997, only 2% believe Obama and Blair are the same person, but they still chant "Yes We Can" or "Change We Can Believe In" in zombie-like voices.
[edit] See also
- Lionel Blair
- Alistair Campbell
- Ian Blair
- Margaret Thatcher
- Gordon Brown
- Jesus
- The Blair Witch Project
Barmy British Stuff 
