Tony Jaa
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“I wish that I was as fast as him...”
~ The Flash on Tony Jaa
Contents |
[edit] The Tony Jaa Formula
1oo + Kill count = Awesome movie
[edit] Tony Jaa's Childhood
Tony Jaa was born in the land of Mordor in the year 1911, in the fires of Mount Doom. Forged in the fiery cauldron of the mountain by Chuck Norris and Oscar Wilde, he was raised to be a killing machine by his parents, learning his strength and skill from Chuck and his verbal prowess from Wilde. Sadly, at the age of seven, his homeland was invaded by Pinko Commies, and his parents told him to flee into nearby Thailand.
He trained in the martial arts style of Muay Thai, which translates roughly into English as "Ass-Stomp". Upon reaching the completion of his training a mere six months later, Jaa had mastered every known form of Muay Thai and had created his own. However, due to the amount of bad ass that his style leaked, he could not successfully harness its power.There are no records of him using the full power of Muay Thai because if he has everybody has died. If he used it around mere mortals, the devastating effects of witnessing such awesomeness, it would melt the eyes of viewers and nearby civilians. Tony left Thailand looking for opportunities in the world to display his insane martial arts skill and athletic ability. It was not long before he found work in the entertainment industry after beating the living fuck out of Keanu Reaves for being a "faggot" and not being able to act. Since then he has been accepted into doing movies and is now referred to as Bruce Lee 2.
[edit] The Fun Run
Jaa is currently holding a cross country fun run to raise awareness for superaids, much like Forrest Gump only less gay. The reason he is doing this is because the other way he cures cancer is by kneeeing you in the face and leaving an imprint of you on the wall he ran out of people to cure in mere hours and had to stop. Many have atempted to join Jaa on his journey although none could keep up. He has also has stopped at many restaurants to top up on chi, Jaa's alternative to food. He obtains the Chi by kicking the living shit out of people and he wont stop until he's full up. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K06wDn3XsZE) Jaa has worked his way through Asia, France, Germany and is currently clearing out the Kremlin. (No Russian reversal necessary)
[edit] Tony Jaa Facts
Fact 1: Tony Jaa is so awesome that he is even winning The Game when he is thinking about The Game.
Fact 2: The only reason Tony Jaa hasn't killed George Bush yet is because he's too busy crushing babies with his diaphragm.
Fact 3: The next time you say a "your mom" joke Tony Jaa will rip your heart out and eat it for breakfast. Even if it's dinner time.
Fact 4: God is just Tony Jaa's seat warmer.
Fact 5: Tony Jaa is standing right behind you. ALWAYS
Fact 6: Tony Jaa can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. No questions asked
Fact 7: Tony Jaa's real name is not Tony Jaa...if he told you his real name, people in a 50 mile radius would die from the amount of awesome.
Fact 8: Tony Jaa hates Spanish, make sure you speak Mexican when around him.
Fact 9: If you piss him off you're more than likely to get an elbow or kneecap in your face
Fact 10: Never, ever, fuck with his elephants. Seriously.
Fact 11: Every time an elephant dies Tony jaa dosen't cry he kills.
[edit] People and Things He's Killed
Note: These are the people we know of the list is growing right now.
1. Everybody whos laid hands on him.
2. All of his cast and crew members.
3. Cancer, AIDS, SuperAIDS
4. You after you've read this.
5. Actors who suck.
6. Soviet Union.
7. Hitler. Twice.
8. Your great grandfather.
9. Jackie Chan.
10. N Sync.
11. Britney Spear's career.
12. 300 Spartan Warriors ( Twice, with one blow )
13. Several different foreign guys including one Brazilian most likely related to Eddy Gordo from Tekken,who thought he was good at capoeira and managed to get his ass systematically kicked because everyone knows capoeira is a bunch of dance moves created by Maradona on crack
14. Bruce Willis
15. Your Mother
16. Me
17. Jet Li ( Three times... with two blows )
18. Wikipedia
19. Cthulhu ( Actualy not, because when dead he`s in fact sleeping...)
20. Sam Fisher
21. Sauron and everyone in "The Lord of The Rings". Including you, after you finnished wathcing it)
22. A million dozen babies
23. Reversal Russia
24. URSS
25. USSR
26. Stalin
27. Lenin
28. Tae Kwon Do -Insisted it was a martial art instead of a sport, and had to be put down
29. juegolol
[edit] Tony Jaa's Life so far
Tony Jaa has lived his whole life as an elephant lover. He's also made a lot of movies about drugs, sex, and money. He also has the shortest fuse of all mankind. Well, except for this guy. If the german kid and Tony Jaa ever got within 50 yards of each other all hell would break loose. Satan would come from the fires of hell, and angels will blow their trumpets. Demons with unpronounceable names would ascend and kick everyone's ass. But that's what WOULD happen. Theoretically that will never happen. Well, after making some ass-stomp movies, he's decided to team up with Chuck Norris, his dad, and kick some serious western ass.
