Tony Stark
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“Tony Stark was able to build this IN A CAVE!!! With a BOX OF SCRAPS!!!”
~ The Dude on this article
Tony Stark is the original Iron Man but retired and built an Iron Man suit for Bill Clinton to became the new Iron Man.
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[edit] Origin
Tony Stark was a billionaire weapons maker with a federal contract signed by LBJ for the Vietnam war. One day Tony Stark was inspecting how the weapons worked in Vietnam when Communists had exploded a bomb burying shrapnel into his heart, causing Tony Stark to have a heart condition. The Communists forced Tony Stark to work with Doctor Ying Sen to build them more weapons. But Doctor Sen and Tony Stark had an idea to build a suit of armor colored gray out of an old iron water heater, and fashion bootjets into it by having the water heater use jet fuel instead of water, and use repulsers which channel the exhaust of the jet engines out of the palms of really big gloves. Tony Stark and Doctor Sen only built one suit of armor, and being a Doctor, Doctor Sen built in a pacemaker to help Tony Stark out with his heart condition, so Tony Stark wore the armor. The Communists figured out that the last weapon Stark and Doctor Sen made for them wasn't an atomic bomb, but made out of used pinball parts, and Stark and Doctor Sen used the plutonium to power the flux capacitor in the armor. The suit took 5 minutes to boot up, as it used a 4 bit Intel 4040 CPU, which was the best the 1960's could offer, and the bootstrap had to be loaded from magnetic tape via a kernel that was hacked together at the last minute and used FORTRAN. Doctor Ying Sen decided to provide the time Tony Stark needed to get the suit of armor booted up, by running at the Communists while yelling slogans at them like "Communism doesn't work because if you pay everyone the same, it is no incentive for people to work harder to get pay raises and earn extra money. Thus Communist makes everyone lazy and incompetent, and will never reach their potential as Capitalism will." at which the first Iron Man suit booted up and Doctor Sen said "Mr. Stark, I provided the distraction, now protect me from these Communists." at which point Tony Stark said "Well I could, but you're Asian, and I'm a White Saxon Anglo-Protestant Billionaire, and I think I can make a lot of money with this suit of armor if you weren't alive to claim half or more of the patents on it. So I'm going to have to say no to that, and just fly out of here so I can form a super group later and take 100% credit for this technology." and Tony Stark aka Iron Man flew off as the Communists shot down Doctor Yin Seng in a hail of AK-47 machine gun bullets. Some of the bullets damaged the bootjets of the armor, and Tony Stark had to hitch a ride out of Vietnam by an African-American Air Force helicopter pilot named James Rhodes. Tony Stark offered James Rhodes a job at Stark Enterprises as his helicopter pilot for the salary of minimum wage, which was 35 cents an hour in the 1960's.
[edit] Tony Stark as Iron Man
Tony Stark streamlined the armor, and painted it red and yellow. He upgraded the system once Microsoft released MS-DOS, and then upgraded it more when Windows came out. His main enemy was the blue screen of death, which happened quite a lot, and took 15 minutes to reboot. After fighting Doctor Doom he learned that Doom's armor ran Linux, as well as Doom's entire army of Doombots. Tony Stark had partnered up with Microsoft who had sold Xenix to SCO which was known as SCO Unix. Tony Stark came up with the idea of SCO suing Linux and IBM of stealing Unix source code. After a long hard legal battle, Tony Stark got the rights to Linux source code and made his own version called Starkix. Soon after that he learned that he didn't need to, as Linux was open sourced and anyone could have free access to the source code and modify it. Starkix ran the new version of Armor, now silver and red. However, Tony Stark let the pressure get to him and he retired as Iron Man and let James Rhodes take over.
[edit] James Rhodes as Iron Man
James Rhodes was given one of the red and yellow suits of armor, while Tony Stark tried to work out the bugs in the Starkix red and silver one. Tony Stark was so drunk that he forgot to recalibrate his old suit of armor for Rhode's brainwaves, and as a result James Rhodes started to go a bit crazy, he lost his mind, and started to go blind. Rhodes as Iron Man, started to take it out on innocent civilians and other super heroes, and killed the people he once saved, and claimed that he was hearing voices. Tony Stark had to get out his original suit of Armor, the gray one. Tony was suffering from the DTs, but managed to grab one of the power pods on Rhodes' suit of armor, and then hid out in a wine cellar as he tinkered with it. Rhodes found Stark and took the power pod back, and placed it on his armor, but the modifications caused malfunctions in Rhodes' suit and made the hologram program show twelve versions of Iron Man, and caused the bootjets to malfunction, and crashed the system with a blue screen of death. Stark spoke "Thank that Bill Gates and Microsoft's sloppy code for defeating the James Rhodes Iron Man" and then Rhodes snapped out of it, and took some anti psychotic medication while Tony Stark recalibrated the suit for Rhodes' brain waves. Later Stark built a customized suit for Rhodes, colored black and white as Rhodes continued on as Iron Man. Then Rhodes got tired of being called Iron Man and renamed the suit of armor and called it War Machine, and Rhodes was able to get his own comic book as a result and his own series of action figures and merchandise. To counter, DC took their own African-American character John Henry Irons, and called him Steel with his own suit of armor to mimic the powers of Superman, but everyone knew that Steel was just a War Machine rip-off.
[edit] Bill Clinton as Iron Man
Tony Stark got too busy building custom suits of armor for people, that he retired as Iron Man and custom built a suit for Bill Clinton to take over as Iron Man. Clinton was able to be elected President of the USA as a result and joined his own super hero team. Tony Stark took up ads in comic books for the "Tony Stark Method" for 98 pound weaklings who got sand kicked in their face by bullies. For a mere $100 Million US Dollars wired into Stark's Swiss bank account, people got their own suit of armor. Then they had to decide, should they use a repulsor ray to shoot off the bully's face, or just use the armor's super strength to punch the bully in the face? Many who got the suit of armor, decided that the woman they were defending the honor of, was not worth it anymore. Now with their own suit of armor, they could became a playboy like Tony Stark and Bill Clinton were and get prettier girlfriends or just get women to have sex with them for no good reason other than they own their own suit of armor, which makes them super strong and also shiny like a sports car.
[edit] Tony Stark in retirement
Tony Stark is not known as Iron Man any more, but is now known as Ironman armed with his trusty iron, he presses the pants, shirts, and super suits of other super heroes. Does whatever an Iron can, presses pants just so fine, keeps the pleats right in line. Hey there, there goes the Ironman! Ironman, Ironman, does whatever an Iron can. Is he strong? Listen bud! He's got alcoholic blood! Can he starch, just so fine. Keeps those shirt collars right in line.
[edit] Tony Stark reactivated to S.H.I.E.L.D. duty
Tony Stark took over as Iron Man from Bill Clinton, after Nick Fury went MIA and started a Secret War. Bill Clinton was too busy helping his wife Hillary Clinton to run for US President, so Tony Stark built another Iron Man armor for himself to use again. It was powered by Windows Vista.
Skrulls attacked and Tony's butler Jarvis turned out to be a Skrull who uploaded a Virus to the Iron Man armor and pwned Tony Stark and everything that used Stark technology because it ran Vista as an OS. After that Nick Fury upgraded all government and Stark technology to Linux to avoid more virus infections by Skrulls.
Bill Clinton kept his Iron Man armor to help Hillary fight off Barack Obama and possibly win the Democratic primary in June 2008. Using secret hidden cameras, Bill was able to record Reverend Jeremiah Wright's sermons and post them to Youtube and Fox News to expose Wright and Obama for being racial bigots against White People and Anti-Americans. But the plan backfired after Bill Clinton was caught with the Bush twins and then later Lindsey Lohan and Hanna Montana, to which Bill Clinton said he did not have sexual relations with them and asked prosecutors to define what the word "is" means. Anyway Barrack Obama ended up winning despite Bill Clinton's efforts.
[edit] See Also
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| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spot |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
