Top 10 ways to die
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“98 percent of us will die at some point in our lifetime.”
~ A statistician using New Math on death
 WARNING |
[edit] Things to Keep in Mind Before Dying
The most important part of a good death is remembering all the fun stuff you've done before you died. So, because most people's lives suck, it is recommended that you do some of the following:
- When you see somebody grilling, run into their yard, grab the meat, throw it on the ground and stomp on it while yelling "pickle-juice!!!!!!" at the top of your lungs (If you plan on committing suicide, this is the surest way)
- Make a mess in every public bathroom you enter
- Stand in public doorways telling people you don't feel like moving
- Grease the monkey bars at all playgrounds
- Follow random people all the way into their house and eat all their food
- Wait in the bushes with paintball gun during mischief night (you know what to do from there)
- Brag to everyone about how you got the latest version of AOL for free in the mail
- Tell people you fucked there mom. Also tell them to go pick some.
- Lick door knobs right before people can leave the room
- Randomly scream "PMS!" at the top of your lungs
- Ask people questions over and over
- When someone is trying to tell you a story say, "Could you tell me the beginning of that middle part of the end please?"
Then, when they're done, ask them about the beginning, then the end, until they don't remember what they were talking about.
Actually, besides being just fun, many of these things could directly lead to your certain death. And when you do die nobody will give a damn because you suck and died a virgin. You also still live with your mother.
[edit] #10. Eating yourself
This method of death was originally invented when a guy named Horace wondered what a circle of snakes eating each other would look like with one person. It sounds kind of complex at first, but it's actually very simple. First grab your foot and stick it into your mouth. So far so good? No you can't spit out the corn. Now, begin sucking with full strength, for those of you who practice the ancient art of kitten huffing this should be pretty easy. Some people tend to get stuck at their ankles or knees. For these people we would recommend dying another way, for the rest of you just keep sucking till you've got nothing left to suck. NOTE: Eating yourself should not be confused with the performance of other acts. For these acts see: Top 10 ways to kill a geezer and capitalize on being a trophy wife.
(When cooked properly you taste like bacon)
See also: Pizza the Hutt
[edit] #9. Elect Hillary Clinton in 2008
Good job idiot. We're all dead. Why is this on the top ten list? Because at least this way there's some irony to it.
Just remember, electing someone else is like changing horses on your way to the apocalypse! Disclaimer: Hillary is but a mere puppet of a greater power whom she calls God. It is yet unconfirmed if she reveres Cheney as God.
[edit] #8. Watch Oprah (and enjoy it)
This is by far the hardest way to die on the list. First, you must gain immunity to her. The only way to gain immunity to her stupid outbursts and ridiculous face is to watch the show constantly. For instruction on how to achieve this, you will need to find a master, such as a rich soccer mom (rare, thought to be extinct), poor soccer mom (commonly found on all city corners wearing mismatching clothes, though you'll need money for this), or even any woman who actually enjoys the Women's Channel (strangely a common sight). Once you have trained with one of the 3 masters, you must sit and watch an entire episode of Oprah while enjoying it. Death is often slow and very, very painful. It's sort of like jamming a pitchfork up your butt in slow motion.
[edit] #7. Fight Mr. T or Chuck Norris
Anyone stupid enough to do this deserves death.
[edit] #6. Chinese food and Mexican Food—The lethal combination
Some people may be suspicious of this method, but it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Everyone knows that Chinese food makes you hungry even after you ate a whole plate or two, and that Mexican food gives you major gas. Combine the two, and wham, a feedback loop. You're unable to stop the cycle of eating and building up gas, and you've turned yourself into a ticking bomb like C4 or a Macintosh computer. Dig in and within 5 hours you'll still be eating and ready to explode. Now there are many ways to burst the bubble, the only incorrect way is to pass gas or burp. Both of these methods are strictly forbidden, simply because that would release the gasses you spent valuable time and effort building up. Instead, it's much better to try body slamming concrete, running in front of fast moving cars, or dropping heavy stuff on yourself. Upon death, you will leave your mark on the planet, as the acidic gas leaves burn marks and melts metal around you. Truly, a magnificent way to die.
[edit] #5. Papercuts.
These are lethal. My friend John had his throat slit by a stray piece of paper flying around in the office. They're called paper cuts because human skin is like paper against cuts by paper. (well, at least its less humiliating than getting strangled by pubic hair)...
[edit] #4. Eject yourself into the vacuum of space
Pretty much self-explanatory...Plus, if you do it right, you can make a hell of a mess on the side of the International Space Station.
[edit] #3. Mauled to death by a Horde of Angry Fans or by Darth Maul
Being torn apart by a crazed mob is a classic, but somewhat blasé method of reaching one's end (compared to the stuff on reality TV shows). For example, in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Cinna is torn messily asunder because he was confused with a particular brand of breakfast cereal's originator. (ed note: The youth's hatred of sugared cereals is common to post-modernist plays such as those of Shakespeare.) However, as with all worthy classics, it is possible to apply new twists.
For example, loudly declaring that people at a Star Trek convention should "get a life" may earn you a curious obituary describing the bat'lith (shouldn't that be bat'leh?) replica found sticking out of your body. Unfortunately, being found dead at a Star Trek convention is considered by some people to be rather undignified. These people may be Cylons. Nothing about their judgment of your disgraceful end particularly suggests this, but you know, you can never be too sure.
Seriously, they're everywhere.
[edit] #2. Eaten by a Grue
Getting eaten by a grue is fairly straightforward. First you need to find one. There are very few grue left in the world today, which is kind of odd considering they have no natural predators (except Carmine or Chuck Norris) and only one known weakness, so this may take a while. They are usually found under heavy rocks, so you might want to bring a shovel.
Once you find a grue, you're all set. Just sit back, relax, and let the grue do the rest. If you decide you want to speed things up a bit, you can throw your shovel at it. Of course, that's assuming you brought one along.
After you've been eaten, it's considered a common courtesy to put the rock back on top of the grue, so that the next person that wants to get eaten will know where to look.
Alternatively, you could just play Zork Abridged.
[edit] #1. Boobies(gigasized ones)
These cute little innocent-looking things are the bane of mankind. No power in the 'verse can stop them once they've been Activated. After that...Well, I don't want to describe it because if I do...you'll kill yourself. Just trust me: Kill these things quickly before they get to you.
[edit] Honorable Mention-While having sex in a small Cessna
This was actully done,so here are some (sorry y'all) facts : Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506 Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]
[edit] Honorable Mention- Play 'Kick the Hippo'
This is a popular game amongst the Jntutwutsi tribe. Youngsters run up and kick a hippo or another large and ferocious animal such as a rhino, lion, or hyeana. The animal will probably turn around and eat you. If not be sure that the animal is male and kick between the legs. Once he recovers he will then eat you. If you are to lazy to go to Africa, animal sush as wolverines are great substitutes.
[edit] Honorable Mention-Werewolf
A man named Dougy Holloway was found torn to shreds in Scotland. It was later learned that Holloway was a werewolf and he was looking for blood. He cut himself on a rabid Scottish biting turtle-chipmunk. Upon seeing the blood he ate himself.
[edit] See also
- Top 100 ways to die (unrelated to this list, which is why it's linked here)
- Worst 100 Ways to Die of All Time
- Bubonic Plague
- How to Hang, Draw and Quarter Yourself (another fun way to die)
- and your mum is a fat cow
