Top Gear
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“We give up. This show has proven just how rubbish our cars are.”
~ Americans on Top Gear
“Why did they refer to us as Colonials in the American special? It's been well over 200 years since we established ourselves as a nation, isn't it high time they got over that? Seriously...”
~ Some American on Top Gear
“See??”
~ The pink tag at the top of this article on the above quote
“I gotta Mitsabushi in mah butt-creek.”
~ Americans on Their butt-cracks
“These guys dont like caravans. ”
~ Captain Understatement on Top Gear
Top Gear used to be a motoring program programme program programme on BBC 2, but is now just a vehicle for Jeremy Clarkson and James May to kill Richard Hammond in exciting and entertaining ways. It was established in 1892 reviewing horses and carriages, when the original presenting line-up included Oscar Wilde, Sir Edward William Elgar, James May and a man with a marvellous moustache.
Contents |
[edit] Format
The format we see today was devised by the director general of the BBC, who'd seen "Last of The Summer Wine" once too often. He phased out the low-budget consumers' guide in favour of a high-budget outlet for middle aged, slightly portly presenters' desire to break expensive cars, say the word "cock", jet around the world doing expensive and pointless things. Consequently, viewing figures rocketed from two goats in 1989 to over five million goats in 2007, and it has become the largest single cause of road deaths amongst Chavs in the United Kingdom. Result!
Thats a lot of people with a mid-life crisis.
[edit] Star in a crappy car
Celebrities are invited to wear an unflattering helmet and endure Jeremy Clarkson misspelling their names. Caravans are murdered or sometimes put out of their misery. This is the only form of televised homicide allowed in the United Kingdom, thanks to a special dispensation from the Queen. Recent features include destroying rural England with tractors, destroying the Top Gear car park with tractors, ploughing fields at 400mph with the head of a midget whilst strapped to an upside-down jet tractor, and wooing Kristin Scott-Thomas. With pictures of tractors painted fluffy pink. 'Cos she's a lady. Grey tractors would just not suffice.
The show also feature's on occasion some supposed "boffins", from some UK rocket cult that like strapping long cylinders filled with shredded old tires to various types of cars and lighting them, hoping it doesn't explode in their face. They do this while using fake technical jargon and the insides of a old TV as switches and wiring making the show a bit like Blue Peter but without the cocaine fuelled presenters.
[edit] Presenters
[edit] Jeremy Clarkson
- Main article: Jeremy Clarkson
9'2" tall, fat, and so very, very old, Jeremy Clarkson's act consists of walking on-stage, saying "POWERRRRRR", then walking off. Oh, and some occasional driving. Has conducted extra-marital affairs with surprisingly short young women(like your mum), including Geri Halliwell, Ellen MacArthur and Richard Hammond, who have written couplets, poems and occasional hosannahs about his rapturous beauty. Jeremy's distinctive hair has a fan club (founded 1887) all its own, with members such as Tom Jones, Yoda, and the Brillo Pad Corporation.
Jeremy writes a column in the The Sun about cars he has driven and what generally pisses him off (foreigners), writes a column in Top Gear magazine about cars he has driven and what generally pisses him off (foreigners), and presents a TV show about cars he has driven, and what generally pisses him off(foreigners). He receives three separate salaries for this, and if his employers ever find out, they are going to be quite vexed. Jeremy is often quite mocking about homosexualists, which for a man called "Jeremy" is rather suspicious. Jeremy gets his fashion tips from Tesco Magazine, then throws away his fashion tips (ouch!), steals crotch-hugging jeans off homeless men and wears them. On the show. Good grief...It has also been rumoured that in Rural Suffolk George Scott Murdered Jeremy with the aid of Oscar Wilde......
[edit] Richard Hammond
- Main article: Richard Hammond
Richard stands at a mighty 3'8", and worked as a lookalike of the cat in "Shrek 2" before joining Top Gear. Contrary to popular belief, he does not whiten his teeth, but cleans them with a pressure-washer before each show. He is well known for his entirely normal interest in dogs, as well as his puppy eyes, which he keeps in the fridge. He recently went into a coma after attempting to plough a field at 400mph with his head whilst strapped to an upside-down jet tractor. He is a judge at "Crufts" and awards points for glossy coats, moist noses and pert bottoms, and that's why he was backstage with the three shar-peis and the crate of baby-oil yelling "I am the God of All Dogs", your Honour. He also had a very brief afternoon show which bombed badly due to his ultra bright teeth, and because he can't talk about anything other than cars and dogs or your mum whilst shes doin your brest mate.
Hammond is a legend in all his right, its been said he can destroy an entire army with his bare hands.
[edit] James May
- Main article: James May
James is a former campaigner against balding traffic cops and often exceeds the speed limit by as much as 1 mph. He is of standard human height, although not of standard human parentage, being born of woman and spaniel. He has a lot of pictures of the Queen in his house and has refused to donate any of his hair to Jeremy Clarkson. He also refuses to run on camera because he runs like a girl and is afraid that he might trip over his hair. James thinks running is a left-wing activity practised by the sort of people he wouldn't want to talk to, but people from whom he would accept free beer. James' body mass is approximately 37% pie - 63% real ale. Although he denies being gay, he likes to say "oh, cock". A lot. And he doesn't trust the French.
[edit] The Stig
- Main article: The Stig
Some say he has a digital face, and if he wanted to, he could fire Alan Sugar. But some are wrong. Everybody else knows his real identity as an old sod who's so boring they won't even show his face. However some blithering idiots (who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons, and because we don't know who they are) have put forward the following (untrue) identities of the Stig (all except for the Peter Cotterill one, anyway...that one is true):
- Sam Ballard
- George Scott
- Jack Dee
- A rapist
- A nuclear test subject
- That guy from the cillit bang advert
- He's Steven Hawking except he's Walking!
- The Terminator
- Stewie Griffin
- George Bush
- Your Mother
- Peter Cotterill
- The Grim Reaper
- A combination of the Grim Reaper and Peter Cotterill
- Not the spawn of Satan
- The Bastard child of Morgan Freeman
- Father Jack Hackett.
- Boris Johnson
- The pitch commentator at Norwich City Football Club
- Jose Mourinho.
- Larry Page and Sergey Brin are believed to be employed on a rotation system.
- Albert Einstein.
- Cletus the slack-jawed Yokel.
- Batman's Brother.
- Bob Marley who looked good on paper, but the Americans who thought it up were disappointed to learn of his death.
- Basil Brush.
- Hitler.
- Woody Woodpecker.
- Mr. T.
- Ross Mckenna.
- An Egg.
- James May.
- Doctor Zoidberg
- Fred Astaire
- Mr. Blobby
- Santa Claus
- Santa Clause
- Paul O' Grady
- Shrek
- Buzz Aldrin
- Charlie Chaplin
- Germaine Greer
- Robin Williams
- Buckethead was also once considered to be The Stig. Only we had to figure out who Buckethead was first.
In reality, Julian Bailey is really, really the real Stig. He's a former F1 driver, although obviously not a famous former F1 driver. Yes I know, I've never heard of him either, but the Daily Mirror claimed he was the guy, so it must be true, and Top Gear have never confirmed or denied it!
So there we have it. Nigel Mansell is the Stig. Tah-dah! Glad you read this, now, aren't you... Unless you read the Daily Express, and then it's Princess Diana.
[edit] Top Gear Dog
The dog is a Cockerschnauzer, which is half "Cocker" and half "schnauzer". Not half "cock" and half "erschnauzer", which would be entirely different. The dog sleeps most of the time during the show, thus making her the most interesting and proactive members of the cast. She is always being pulled and pushed around in a special way by cruel Hammond. There are three problems with her (the dog, not the incredibly butch Hammond):
- 1: They don't know what to do with the dog. Except for Hammond. Who has several ideas.
- 2: She is completely terrified of cars. Which is unfortunate.
- 3: She is not very fond of James May. Which is very fortunate.
[edit] Top gear stunts:
- .Tried to make a boat out of a car, unfortunately James May won.
- .Once sent a Reliant Robin 3 thousand feet up in the air, strapped to a gigantic rocket, before failing, falling back to earth and exploding.
(It made for good viewing though.)
[edit] Uncyclopedia interviews with Top Gear viewers
[edit] What a Pomme has to say about Top Gear
"Eerm... is that how the rest of the world sees England? God bless us all..."
[edit] What an Australian has to say about Top Gear
"AAW MATE, theys-ead the Aussie Monaro was better then the bloody yanks 300c their own snobby jag! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OI OI OI! AUSSIE OI... AussIE... OI ooi.. ooh shii..."
(subject passes out, due to excess fosters and meat pie consumption)*
(*)This would be funny if Fosters Beer was actually available in Australia.
(not all aussies are morons... just most)
[edit] What a Yank has to say about Top Gear
"Thees speaks foony, but wheres the hummer?"
[edit] and what a Canadian has to say about Top Gear
"well I don't know what that was aboot... But... I like men now....."
-subject shot by interviewers due to horrible canadian accent
