Torchwood

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The Torchwood logo used in series one.

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“In Soviet Torchwood, the 21st century gotta be ready for YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Torchwood

“What? The Welsh want to be recognised? Put St R.T.Davies on it! ”

~ Jesus on Torchwood

Torchwood is a Doctor Who spin-off series which was created by Sir Russell T. Davies OBE and twelve bottles of cheap alcopops. It is intended to be a darker, post-watershed version of Doctor Who, only without the Doctor, TARDIS or anything else from the series. The show's title is an anagram of "Ow! Hot Cord!" and "Hot Rod Cow". Originally broadcast on BBC Three, it has now moved to BBC Sixty-Nine, the home of programs about aliens, sex, and alien sex everywhere.

The show has two series of thirteen sex-packed episodes, with the latest episode playing right now, probably, somewhere.

Torchwood prides itself in being more Welsh than most other programs - insisting that all locations, storylines etc are filmed in Wales. Many Welsh residents have claimed this as unrealistic, since nothing ever happens in Wales. (The only events that do occur are mine closures, sheep-fondling, and economic recession.)

The show follows the adventures of Lieutenant Jack "Captain Jack" Black, a 51st century grifter from 1941 (or possibly a 1941 grifter from the 51st century) and a super-secret group of eccentric experts as they cruise around Cardiff, looking sexy and flashing lots of cool-looking alien gadgets.

[edit] Origins of Torchwood

Torchwood creator Rustle My Davies (pre-OBE), seen here brushing-off criticisms of his show by pretending they're only the opinions of about ten people on the internet.

It came to pass that one night in 2005 in Cardiff Russell The Davies, creator of All-New Doctor Who was drinking deep into the night and discussing what else he could spend a substantial amount of BBC monies on. "Make something for BBC Three!", a voice at his knee suddenly declared; he looked down to find it was Ronnie Corbett. "They've always got lots of money going spare and if no one watches it then, good, it doesn't matter, because BBC Three never gets more then ten viewers at any one time anyway. Come up with an idea, any idea - really, I mean ANY idea - and I'll put in a good word with the prodoocer." and with that the pint-sized comedian vanished. For several days, Davies thought it had been a hallucination but the lingering love bites convinced him it was all real and, as we now all know, Corbett does possess the power to disappear at will.

So, Davies took Corbett's advice and telephoned the Controller of BBC Three deep-down in Broadcasting House's darkest dungeon. After arguing with the troll who mans (or trolls) the switchboard he finally got through to the controller and pitched his new series idea: "A spin-off from Doctor Who but especially for grown-ups; I see it as a sexy, cool, naughty-noughties series set in contemporary Cardiff." "I see", said the Controller, "It's going to be Angel only with gay welsh alien sex isn't it?", "No, no!" said The Davies, "it's going to be Angel with gay welsh alien sex, swearing, an invisible lift and a pet pterodactyl! Imagine! All set in Cardiff! I might rip-off some CSI too, that's American isn't it?" "So", continued the Controller, "you want us to spend a substantial wad of license-payers cash on this? And you say you want it in Cardiff?" "Yes indeed!" said Davies "and I want Eve Myles' prominents to be in it too!" "Proceed to the darkest chamber at the end of the longest corridor in the deepest dungeon", said the Controller, "there you shall find a heavy iron box. Open this and help yourself to the piles of sovereigns inside for making this television programme. Take some for a slap-up feed in Soho as well if you want. Now, begone, I must commission another ten series of Little Miss Joceline before someone notices".

Originally, the show was going to be called Ow! Hot Cord because this was the anagram of Doctor Who that was written on all the crates the Who footage was stored in during filming in order to stop Ian Levine hiding inside them and masturbating. However, after a very intense "brainstorming" session in the BBC Three dungeon, it was decided that Hot Rod Cow would be a better name.

Torchwood (after Hot Rod Cow died in a freak boating accident) was cunningly "seeded" in the Doctor Who story "Cannon and Ball" when Queen Victoria announces "I shall create a great institute here and call it "Ow! Hot Cord!"." Subsequent broadcasts were redubbed to remove the accidental use of the old name although some fans consider the original broadcast to be "canon" and insist on calling the series by this name.

[edit] Setting

John Wheelbarrow Man as Captain Jack Black.

Torchwood is set around the activities of the Torchwood Institute which is, as Captain Jack Black used to note on the opening credits, "above the United Nations, on top of Parliament, way beyond NATO and laughing at the European Union". The Torchwood Insitute was set-up by Queen Victoria to protect the British Empire from sexy aliens and Frenchmen. In 1875 Torchwood split into two factions, one which retained the name Torchwood and another which became the Conservative Party; both factions remain sworn to defend the British Empire from aliens, although the Torchwood Institute still concentrates its efforts mainly on sexy aliens. Modern Torchwood continues this theme, with an appropriate amount of man-on-man action in order to appeal to the straight women and gay men watching it.

The show is set in contemporary Cardiff in the same universe as Doctor Who except that for some reason nobody knows about all the aliens, daleks and cybermen that have plagued the Earth in its parent show. Davies has put this anomaly down to "the unique way Torchwood is written". The action takes place around "Torchwood Three", the third of three branches of Torchwood in Britain. The first branch, Torchwood One, which is based in London, was destroyed by the daleks and cybermen in the battle no one in Cardiff seems to know about. Torchwood Two (the second branch) is in Glasgow and therefore spends all its time drinking Buckfast and saving Alex Salmond from the Nice Warriors.

Torchwood is notable for displaying a very modern version of Wales. No miners have appeared in the series, leeks are never eaten and Jack only molests sheep off-camera. Additionally, all attempts by Neil Kinnock to appear in the series as "myself, fighting with aliens and sleeping with attractive women!" have been rebuffed.

[edit] Characters

The main characters in the show are the Torchwood team, who are:

• Captain Jack Black:. Played by gay megastar^[1] John Wheelbarrow Man, Captain Jack is a rock star from the 51st century who walks around with a gun, no underpants and a huge grey greatcoat which he never washes. Spent series one standing around on top of a building like Batman for no discernable reason other than Davies thinking it "looked like something you'd find in Angel". Cannot die. Loves everything that exists, including you and your mother.

• The Welsh One: Played by Eve Myles' tits, the heart of the team who joined in episode one and became the focal point for every episode ever since. Has a boring boyfriend who is occasionally dropped into the plot for no good reason other than that Davies is convinced Eastenders fans watch and need the occasional kitchen-sink moment to make them forget that Torchwood is really all about sex and aliens and sexy aliens. Has a massive gap between her front teeth caused by all the oral sex.

The Torchwood team. Note many of them are in drag.

• Wilfred "Rapey" Owen: Played by Mr Guppy off Bleak House, a sex crazed biologist/writer who died just under a century before the show started, meaning that his corpse had to be tied to hamsters and dragged around by them while a piece of string operated his mouth, until he was restored to life after Jack taught him how real men feel. Lovingly-remembered by many fans for the scene in Series One where he got a hard-on whilst lying on The Welsh One and threatened to make her cum until she exploded in a record-breaking orgasm. Died when an ice-cream factory warehouse fell on him in the last episode of series two.

• ItsaloadofTosh Iko Sato: a woman who's good with computers and the most blatnet racial stereotyping since the Doctor Who episode "The Slit-eyed Talons of Jackie-Chan". Rumoured to be Ianto's Thai Bride when he's not shagging Jack. Got shot by Jack's brother, Grey.

• Ianto Jones: The team's "secretary" who appeared in episode one for a scene and was not seen again until episode three because he managed to get lost inside the void (Jack's anus). In series two, he has developed a wisecracking persona for no good reason whatsoever, possibly because his previous character resembled crap.

• Super Costco: Dead. Was not Welsh: killed off as soon as possible by Rustle My Davies.

[edit] Other Recurring Characters

The team is supported, rather suprisingly, by a supporting cast of overly Welsh Welshpeople.

• Captain Jock Strap: Appeared in the first episode of the second series "Kissy Kissy Bang Bang", arriving in some form of vintage car. Like Suzi Costco, unpleasantly non-Welsh. However, he is most defiantly gay so permitted to appear again during the series to have an obligatory kissing scene with Captain Jack Black.

• Bilis Manger: Some old guy nobody really cares about. Despite being very gay in a very gay show he never mentions that he is gay (even though he most-certainly is). Owns a shop that sells clocks and travels through time, both of which are popular with gay people. He appears in the last two episodes of the first series and confused everybody who watched. Not popular with Fred Phelps.

• PC Andy Davidson: Erm? Who? Oh yeah, that police guy who turns up every so often in random episodes, normally to make the viewers laugh because he knows nothing about what The Welsh One does. Very boring person.

• Grey Whale: Long thought extinct, Grey is Captain Jack Black's brother and is portrayed by a crayon. Generic character with mysterious past; shoots ItsaloadofTosh Iko when she disagreed with his animal rights beliefs.

• The Doctor: Scottish Timelord. Oh wait, he's not in it is he? His hand appeared in series one, though, wanking Captain Jack Black off.

[edit] Generic enemies

The gas mad sex alien (concept artwork)

• Weevil Knievel: Alien life-form that lives in Captain Jack Black's anus. Appears in a few episodes generally reciting poetry and being non-violent and not at all scary. Dies attempting to jump over The Rift in a motorcycle.

• Sex Mad Gas Alien: "Look at me, I'm an adult show!!"

• Janey Harper: Its her from 'My Family'. She's an alien as well. Isn't that nice?

• Gas Mad Sex Alien: "Look at me, I'm an uncreative adult show!!"

• Cyberbitch: A Cyberman handily built with metal boobs and an exoskeleton that revels plenty of flesh. This unstoppable killing machine proved useless against a pet pterodactyl thanks to "the unique way Torchwood is written".

• Blowjob Fish: Seen at the beginning of the second series driving around generally looking flashy. Sadly, he's only there for lame fish and chip jokes.

• Sleeper Agents: Not very interesting as they were just sleeping all the time. They did have dildo arms though, which was amusing.

• Alan Dale: Enough said.

• Death: A lame version of Death who tries to kill people (how original!)

[edit] Episode List

[edit] Series One

• "Everything Changes, Except For Captain Jack's Jacket". The Welsh One lives in a modern, relevant Cardiff without any sheepshaggers and where everyone has completely forgotten about the cyberman invasion and the daleks and all that other stuff. One day, she discovers "Torchwood", a top-secret government organisation who gladly allow pizza-delivery people into their inner-sanctum on a regular basis. But what is the secret of the alien hand thing that can resurrect limp penises? Contains gratuitous use of the words "cunt" and "and now on BBC3".
  

  

  Captain Jack Black and Wilfred "Rapey" Owen in "Everything Changes But Captain Jack's Jacket"

• "Look You, Sexy Sex Alien, Stop Killing People, Alright?". It's all go as Torchwood is on the tail of a sex gas sex alien that lives off human spunk. Can the team track down the extraterrestrial menace before several gratuitous sex-scenes occur? No.

• "Gay Machine" Torchwood finds a cool alien gadget that can tap into the hidden sexual energy left behind by human sex, creating recreations of the sexual events. When Wilfred Owen uses it as a dildo, he becomes obsessed with the world of lesbian and gay love.

• "Cyber Pizza Delivery Girl" When Ianto hides his computer in Torchwood's basement to have online Cyber Sex with a Pizza Delivery Girl, can he protect his sexual secret from Jack?

• "Small Worlds" Down at the bottom of Jack's garden, among the birds and the bees, there are a lot of little people, they're called the Poddington Peas.

• "Countryside" A based-on-fact episode of Torchwood about the ordinary lives of villagers in the Brecon Beacons who murder people for fun until Captain Jack Black drives his tractor through their barn. Contains a shocking twist; shocking because it makes no sense in relation to what's happened if you bothering thinking about it. There is no sheep molest involved.

• "Geeks Bearing Gifts" Faced with brand new MSN and internet abilities, Itsa Loda Tosh Iko finds the dangerous underground world of DoctorWhoForum.Com. A murderous Davros fan is following her every move to find out if he really is in Series 4 of Doctor Who, and with time running out, can Itsa Loda Tosh stop him?

• "They Keep Killing Credibility". The Dead One comes back to life as an evil zombie to steal the Welsh One's life-force (virginity.) Can Captain Jack Black end the wild lesbian sex and save the Welsh One's life by making it a threesome?

• "Fandom Boooos" A CBBC drama featuring a poor ghost boy who just wants to be loved is infiltrated by the Torchwood team, on the trail of his magical marble given to him by a kindly old schoolteacher. Viewers are advised that this episode contains unutterable shit.

An image from "End of Gays" showing the state-of-the-art CGI used in the series finale

• "Out of Storyline". With all current-day storylines exhausted, Russell T Davies teleports a plane from 1953 to the present. Inside the plane are a generic old man with suicidal tendencies, a sex mad feminist pilot, and a potential rape victim. None can adapt to 2007, and the Torchwood team attempt to greet them by involving them in sexual situations.

• "Wombat Combat". Wilfred Owen befriends a square-headed Hitler-fanboy who loves nothing better than fighting wombats in a cage. But whilst squarehead is bashing the wombat around, Owen is deciding which one to rape first.

• "Captain Jack Black and the Furious Five" Travelling back in time to 1941, the team have sex with lots of horny women whose menfolk are busy fighting Hitler; but who is Billis Manger, the mysterious old Quentin Crisp-alike who likes antique c(l)ocks? Captain Jack Black ends up watching School of Rock instead.

• "End of Gays" A huge monster is released by Bilis Manger, rampaging across Cardiff. But Captain Jack Black is racing to the rescue, in a truck with a huge pack of Chewits on the back.

[edit] Series Two

• "Kissy Kissy Gang Bang" When Captain Jack Black's former Cock Agent and parter Captain Jock Strap appears in his vintage car through the rift and puts the whole Torchwood team in danger, who's side is Jack on? Most likely he's on top.

• "Sleeping Around" While Jack and the Welsh One save the world from a race of aliens that have sharpened dildos in their arms which can be used to kill people and whose unconventional first-strike towards conquering the earth is to kill a councillor and blow-up a postoffice; Wilfred, Ianto and Tosh have a massive orgy for 45 minutes.
• "To The Last Man" Torchwood defrost a handsome young boy from 1918 so Captain Jack can give him his yearly checking-out only for him to fall for Tosh. But their steamy unconventional lovemaking is interrupted by the need to send him back to the front and be shot for cowardice. That'll teach him to reject Captain Jack Black!
• "Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy" The team discover that a Welsh organised-crime gang are keeping a huge alien penis in a warehouse for nefarious purposes. Needless to say, the Torchwood team want in on the action!
• "Adam" The team are all hot for floppy-haired tight-arsed young Torchwood member Adam. So hot, in fact, that none of them bothers to inquire where he came from. Before they can do anything, Adam has confusingly given Ianto some of Owen's most-treasured rape memories and reminded Captain Jack Black of his time running away from daleks on the beach he grew up on.
• "Resit" Wilfred Owen's shameless arson of the entire left wing of the Sir Russell T. Davies OBE General Hospital where 'he' trained as a doctor (circa 1910) sadly only results in a resit of his first main medical examination. Wilfred enters the examination room full of confidence, however he is distracted by a mosquito (or a mayfly, whatever) buzzing on the ceiling, detracting disgracefully from his score. Soon Wilfred becomes obsessed with revenge on the mosquito population, and brings the rest of the team into a high-stakes extermination campaign, at the end of which Wilfred catches malaria and dies, thus setting up the events of the next episode, ie. the team having a massive great party.
• "Dead Man Wanking" Jack brings Wilfred Owen back to life with the Magic Glove of Un-Death. Owen starts babbling about "OOKA GLOB JORSGA PLOOP" or whatever, vomits up lots of Guinness and can't have sex. His undead skills are needed for the finale, however, when he must take part in a wrestling match with Death himself. Due to the unique way Torchwood is written, Wilfred Owen has a lot of colour and breathes a lot for a dead man.
• "45 Minutes in the Death" Wilfred convinces some chick not to kill herself, even though he's dead. Hypocrite.
• "Something Bollocks" The Welsh One has a heavy weight out front that isn't her tits: she's pregnant! Unfortunately, she's due to get married and won't let a little fact like being unexpectedly pregnant get in the way of things. However, when it turns out that a shape-shifting alien with a taste for party DJ's penises has gatecrashed the wedding it's clear that only Captain Jack Black's enormous weapon can save the day!
• "From Out of Royston Vasey" When a local theater for local people reopens, Papa Lazarou escapes from some old film into the real world, with a traveling funfair full of animals! This episode was not written by Mark Gatiss. Honest.
• "Adrift Shit" The Welsh One takes an keen interest in a missing young boy with an overly Welsh mother. She also takes a keen interest in Ianto's package. Jack also does, but its a different package and it certainly isn't in a brown paper bag for him!
• "Fags" Lots of little bombs go off and oddly all the Torchwood gang survive despite standing right next to them. This is again due to the unique way Torchwood is written. Crazy or what? Captain Jock Strap returns, with extra added gayness!
• "Exit Wounds"

After being spun off from a more popular series (Buffy), and set in an implausible setting (vampires in California?!), complete with an equally implausible plot generator: a gateway to another world (the hellmouth) which a city (Sunnydale) is built on, and getting through its first years by surprisingly killing off a character (Doyle) early on and occasionally including elements from the original series (Willow/Darla), the program (Angel) has a cliffhanger where the immortal main character (Angel), played by an actor (David Boreanaz) with a single expression (befuddled) and prominent teeth (fangs), is entombed under the surface (of the sea) by a relative (Connor) who hates him due to his failure to save him, but the main character is saved thanks to the intervention of a character (Wesley), played by an American actor (Alexis Denisof) from Buffy who speaks in a fake British accent, and another character (Cordelia), who has implausibly gained special powers (communing with the Powers-That-Be), disappears off this earthly plane of existence (ascends), despite being loved by another character (Angel).

Oh, I'm sorry, that's "Angel" episodes "Tomorrow" and "Deep Down". Let's try again...

After being spun off from a more popular series (Doctor Who), and set in an implausible setting (aliens in Cardiff?!), complete with an equally implausible plot generator: a gateway to another world (the space-time rift) which a city (Cardiff) is built on, and getting through its first years by surprisingly killing off a character (Suzie) early on and occasionally including elements from the original series (Martha/UNIT), the program (Torchwood) has a cliffhanger where the immortal main character (Captain Jack), played by an actor (John Barrowman) with a single expression (manic grin) and prominent teeth (a triumph of American dentistry), is entombed under the surface (of the ground) by a relative (Grey) who hates him due to his failure to save him, but the main character is saved thanks to the intervention of a character (Captain John), played by an American actor (James Marsters) from Buffy who speaks in a fake British accent, and another character (Owen), who has implausibly gained special powers (undeath), disappears off this earthly plane of existence (dies), despite being loved by another character (Tosh).

There you go. "Torchwood" episode "Exit Wounds". Not even slightly similar to "Angel". Rumours that Russell T Davies has been seen in Cardiff library with "Angel" scripts and a large supply of 10p's for the photocopier are obviously exaggerated.

[edit] Series Three

The third series is set to (finally) guest star the Doctor (David Duchonvy), in addition to former companion Mammoth "Martha" Jones. Lieutenant Jack is, evidently, as horny as ever.

Russel T(he) Davies plans to make a third series, which will include several more sex alien attacks, shagging, vicious cat people with large penises, and Jack Black's irritating younger brother, who ends up shagging Jack several times. Dalek Fred is set to guest star as Jack's love slave/executioner. Other characters rumoured to be crossing over are Mickey Smith, the formerly emo ex-boyfriend of Rose Tyler, and Tom DeLonge.

Davies has been quoted as saying that there will be "more interspecies orgies than ever before" (Roughly translated from Welsh).

[edit] Critical reaction to Torchwood

Ian Trotsky in The Guardian, reviewing the first episode, said "I thoroughly enjoyed the invisible lift which I felt opitimised contemporary Cardiff but I've no idea what that fucking oil-drinking, blood-soaked yank is doing leading a so-called British team; perhaps next series George W Bush himself will be giving them orders directly if it hasn't been filled with his Neocon mates by then. The team also "protects" Britain from "aliens"; I think we all know what this really means, why not just hand over writing duties to Richard Littlejohn full-time and be done with it?! This isn't the sort of thing that should be on the BBC, although the corporation doesn't have a leftwing bias".

Percy Hitler for the Daily Mail in his semi-regular TV column "Last Night's Socialist Propaganda Masquerading As Entertainment" called the episode "Gay Machine" "...a danger to children. Whilst this series seems to find amusement in a team containing one person of non Anglo-Saxon blood there are still some of us who have standards, called "old-fashioned" by the screeching AIDs-ridden communists of the BBC, who find this sort of thing offensive. Supposedly this "Torchwood" hunts down aliens, but surely the EU and New Labour would be screaming about the monster's so-called "extraterrestrial rights" and allowing them to eat our livers? Having cybermen living next door and electrocuting your children probably counts as "cultural diversity" in Blair's Britain! Having an episode revolve around a sexual machine as this series did is simply filth. I've a good mind to dig-up Mary Whitehouse, sit her in mother's armchair and let her see it for herself."

In a "Special Report", Randy Littlerichard in the Daily Express penned an angry response to the show under the headline "Daily Express Crusade Against Sodomy". "The gay agenda has gone too far!" he wrote for the seventh time that month "In this new BBC show Torchwood, which I'm told is created by known homosexual Russell T(he) Davies, all manner of sexual depravity is shown. Children watching can see grown men kissing and touching each other's private places. I am sure it won't be too long before Captain Jack Black and a thickset man, perhaps one with a moustache and in leathers and who he picked-up from some sluttish gay bar in Cardiff where those kind of boys hang out, take their clothes off to reveal their waxed chests and well-defined bodies; bodies that have working out at the gym and attained a peak of physical perfection. Then they'll start licking each others balls, tasting the salty sweat. Imagine the shock of seeing Captain Jack Black grasping his manly, veined trunk of a penis by the base and pushing it into the other man's inviting anus. Then you'll be forced to witness...". It continued in this manner over several pages.

Hecktor von Crusty in The Independent was so overcome by fury at the fact Torchwood drive a 4x4 that he has refused to acknowledge that the series exists in his regular TV column "Turn Off Your Television, It's Killing The Planet".

Jeremy Choffle-Whiskers, the Daily Telegraph's TV critic of forty years said he "enjoyed the way they dealt with aliens and women" but noted "I cannot help but feel that the show glorifies the agents of a statist and bureaucratic organisation which would surely be much more efficient if handed over to the private sector and therefore I'm not convinced that this is the sort of show Lady Thatcher might enjoy. I, for one, spotted several employees of this Torchwood who were surplus to requirements and I must confess I was furious at the waste of taxpayers money that all those fancy flatscreen monitors represented until I remembered that it was a mere television show! It was too late, though, I'd already soiled my binbag."

Spod Hargreaves, writing in SFX magazine said "It's not as good as Doctor Who and men keep kissing other men, making me have shameful feelings".

Overall, the show was extremely well-received and a huge success.^[2]

[edit] Trivia

• Seventeen people watched the pilot episode, which gave the episode the highest rating ever for a BBC3 programme!

• The entire first season was written, filmed and transmitted all within the space of 5 hours.

• The first series had a total of 13 episodes, although nobody watched past episode 2.

• After the success of Torchwood, the series Doctor What is currently planning to release its own edgy, anagram-based spin-off called Tworchtoad. It is currently in production, at an undisclosed location which is definitely not Cardiff.

• Disappointingly for fans, none of the cast has ever been shown nude - despite most of them snogging at least forty-four other characters per episode.

• Desperate for ratings, it's been rumored that the show would bring in that pregnant chick from LOST to spice things up, only to find that she hasn't been pregnant for 3 seasons.

• There was an attempt to create a cross over show with BBC3's only other show, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. However Two Pints of Cum and a Packet of Jack was never made due to the fact that Two Pints is filmed outside of Wales.

[edit] See also

• Doctor Who
• UnNews:David Tennant to guest star in Torchwood
• Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman

[edit] Footnote