Tori Amos

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	This article needs liposuction!
	This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory. We mean rewrite it!

Lucky pig? Lucky pig!

“Tori and I once had tea and scrumpets with Satan.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tori Amos

“Tori Amos is a firecrotch!!”

~ Brandon Davis on Tori Amos

“Truly, she is an example to her peers.”

~ Anne Heche on Tori Amos

1 Tori
- 1.1 Albums
2 Biography
3 Trivia
4 Delirium
5 See Also

[edit] Tori

Tori with her favorite familiar, Pigsworth.

Tori Amos is a widely-underestimated mystic she-demon in the guise of a singer-songwriter. She embeds subliminal messages in the sound waves of her songs as they appear in CD or mp3 format, brainwashing all who listen intently on a subconscious level. The resulting brainwashed individuals call themselves Toriphiles, Topiaries or Fifi Trixibelle. The air at a Tori Amos concert typically contains addictive substances to further engender loyalty among cultleader Amos's subjects.

Sample statement by a member of the Tori-cult: "The absolute best singer/pianist/songwriter/composer who has ever lived. She is the creator of 9 studio albums and many more songs as additions to her singles. Tori Amos is a provocative performer. She has inspired her legions of fans to revolt against worthless music. Her covers of such songs as Enjoy The Silence and Black are often considered superior to the originals (by Depeche Mode and Pearl Jam, respectively). And what's wrong with huffing kittens?"

Tori began playing piano at the age of 2 and half. While non-Tori-cult-members may periodically acknowledge her musical prowess, they are distinguished from Tori-cult-members by their willingness to readily admit that she is Bat Fuck Insane, mainly as a result of an attempted excorcism by a roman catholic priest. Evidence of Tori Amos's insanity and malevolence can be found in interviews in which she mentions talking to flowers and having tea with the devil.

[edit] Albums

Tori Amos escaped the insane asylum her drug-pedaling father had put her in at the age of 21. In her new-found freedom she went to New York City to raise enough money to pay for a sex change. Though she didn't get enough for the sex change, she beat out Sarah Jessica Parker for a genital herpes commercial (because Tori could actually play the piano whereas Parker was just a showboating whore) and founded a band, Y Kant Tori Poop. Their debut album Y Kant Tori Poop was released in 1988. Tori expresses disgust for the album today but has performed various songs from the album in concert like "Cool on Your Exposed Poonanny". She is quoted as saying, "It was just a bad concept. I mean, how many songs can you write about not being able to poop? Even constipation has its artistic limits, you know?" Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, "That chick is bat fuck insane." Her latter solo albums incorporated such powerful mind control techniques. People lacking sufficient intellect died as their heads exploded (although it has been argued that this epidemic of "Tori head exploding mind warping songs that kill any Lindsay Lohan fans" was just food poisoning from the "fantastic Lindsay Lohan fat free anorexia coco" bars)

[edit] Biography

Tori Amos is the daughter of cult-leader Jesus Christ and an over-sexed succubus. The family moved to Maryland when she was 2 years old so her father could be closer to his job in hell.

Her power to enslave the masses through song was initially recognized by a few evil corporations (Including the St. Louis Cardinals, McDonald's, and Sarah Jessica Parker) who planned to use her mind-control talents in order replace the Illuminati and the Mormons as the undisputed rulers of Earth. But this plan was only partially successful. Before the plan could be fully implemented, Tori realized her own power and decided to strike out on her own. But without significant corporate sponsorship, Tori has had difficulty transmitting her mind-numbing evil to the entire population of Earth. Therefore, her cult's Earthy takeover has remained somewhat incomplete.

Trent Reznor has jerked off to this photo hundreds of times.

She eventually sought out the help Trent Reznor. She offered to eat 5,280 bananas while humming if only Trent would add some of her evil messages to Nine Inch Nails's next album. But nothing ever came out of this relationship because, in Trent's words, "This chick really is totally Bat Fuck Insane!"

To keep CD promos for her album "Boys for Pele" from leaking when it was first given out in samplers, Tori gave out her CD samplers in a walkman which was held shut by a special type of glue she had invented which would make the CD player a splode like an acid bomb if it was pried open, disfiguring the person if not killing them outright.

Tori's most successful album to date, "To Uranus and Back", is about Tori's adventures in space, and her achievement as the first woman to visit Uranus. Unfortunately, on the return flight from Uranus, her space ship exploded upon entering the Earth's atmosphere, and Tori was killed instantly.

[edit] Trivia

Tori literally does fuck her piano bench. It has resulted in several trips to the emergency room, with cabriole carved stool legs being removed from her vagina and anus.
Tori is known to drool all over herself and gurgle while singing. Male fans have been known to jerk off to that at concerts. That is the only reason you'll see a handful of straight men at her concerts.
Since Tori doesn't swallow her spit, her songs become unintelligible baby talk within two minutes. This, according to Tori and her supporters, is "artistic expression". The truth is, she can't swallow and sing at the same time.
In 1991, the Committee For Getting Guys Laid In College altered their previous stance and stated that "Guys pretending to like Tori Amos increased their chances of getting laid by hippie chicks". The previous paradigm was Kate Bush. In 2004, it was again altered from Ms. Amos to Amy Lee.

[edit] Delirium

Tori is actually able to morph into her alter ego Delirium an anthropomorphic personification of madness. In 1998 she is thought to be responsible for enslaving 20 billion people by using her piano and a fellow dog, and taking them into her realm of madness. These people were released by her older brother Dream in 2005 and taken back to their normal lives once again. However it should be noted that one in five of these past slaves all have super human powers such as laser vision and telepathy and the power of flight. These people joined together in 2006 to form "The new super human amazing lucky amazing new Toriphiles." They continue their Tori oath to plot against world leaders and were even responsible for downfall of Britney Spears