Toronto Maple Leafs

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Toronto Make Me Laffs

Conference	Eastern
Division	It doesn't matter, they always get last. (N.E.)
Founded	Right after they won 13 cups(YEah right
Arena	Air Pollution Centre
City	Toronto (Centre of the Hockey Universe)
Colours	Blue and White
Fans	Better than Habs fans
Owner	Lardo Bullard
General Manager	Celine Dion
Head Coach	Dalton McGuinty
Captain	Conrad Black
Stanley Cups	-13 Stanley cups (Twenty-eighth last in NHL history)
Conference Championships	Don't make me laugh.

“Yeah, probably the only thing I would undo.”

~ God on the Toronto Maple Leafs

“Why do we suck so much?.”

~ The Toronto Maple Leafs on the Toronto Maple Leafs

“In Russia, Stanley Cup has gone over 40 years without advancing to YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Toronto Maple Leafs

Contents 1 History 2 Hockey Night In Canada 3 Fans 4 Franchise History 5 The Rebuilding Progress 6 The Last Coach 7 The McCabe Code 8 Rivalries 9 Following 10 Recent Team News 11 Season-by-season record 12 Individual Records 13 Future Draft Picks 14 See Also

[edit] History

Also known to most people as the "Toronto Make-Me-Prouds", "Toronton Make Beleafs" and "Toronto Maple Loafs" have been know for their skilled antics on the ice. Some include the breaststroke, hide n go seek, tag, making "vroom" sounds while pretending to hold a steering wheel and calling the goalie "silly" after being scored on. The idea of a team was first thought of shortly after the team founder suffered a serious head injury while reciting the alphabet. The team began play at MLG, a popular gametype in Halo 2 multiplayer, to which they began each practice with who can perform the perfect cartwheel while holding a box calendar. Terrible hockey playing ensues. The only exception of Toronto terribleness is Bill Barilko.RIP

Mats Sundin, aka "Doormat" is known and been proven to be linked to family traces of the ancient HADIDA family and is,infact, a [[J-O-O]]

[edit] Hockey Night In Canada

HNIC never shows habs games on saturday nights, this is due the the fact that Montreal is the only city that matters in Canada, and the leafs suck garbage, so they are never shown at all. The only reason anyone would watch them anyway would be to laugh at their pathetic game. Or Toskala. He sucks too. Habs-good=Leafs. They are not even called the Leaves, just Leafs.

[edit] Fans

Although Canada is the best country ever, Leafs fans have been referred to as the stupidest people on earth (for good reason) for constantly supporting a team that has not given Stanley Cup hope in over 40 years. Scientists theorize that fans are stuck in a "DUR" state of mind due to brain damage from head butting each other with cooking pots on their heads (known as "leafing"). There is also evidence they inject themselves with blueberry juice in order to get this 'blue blood'. The fans also feel that people are better when they wear the Leafs jersey. They claim that they get powers that increase their abilities in everything.

[edit] Franchise History

The team

The Toronto Maple Leafs are, fortunately, hated by everyone. Their name and logo is based on the Montreal Canadiens of 1907-1917. Canadians hate them because the franchise is very boring (thus forming the name: Toronto Maple"Craps"), and Americans hate them because they are foreign. The fact that they have no flippin' idea how to spell "Leaves", and got the colour of the mighty Maple leaf wrong, is a crying shame. Leaf fans who watched the montreal canadiens make themselves lose by taking 5 straight retarded penalties in the last of the 2006/2007 season will gloat for life because they think that shows they're an amazing team. Although they haven't won a cup in over 40 years, they seem to score a lot of fluky goals. Some claim it's the work of the ghosts of Leafs fans who died without their team having a cup. The leafs fans are also known as the world's most retarded sports fans (after european soccer fans, the only race capable of going in a murderous frenzy over their boring sport). They constantly follow their team, attempting to ignore the fact that even the Quebec Nordiques (a dead team) have done better than them. The sadness of the issue is proven when Toronto lost in the Stanley Cup finals when there was only one hockey team in the league, to Chuck Norris.

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Vesa Toskala trying to make a save. Follow the bouncing puck The Owners/Management Over the years, the current owners of the Leafs have encourage signing a lot of free agents. They even tried to sign Jesus, but he didn't want play for the evil teachers pension fund. This evil current owner of the Leafs lure the children with their teachers and eats them. The high amounts of annoying ingested through the children's souls allows them lay Jew eggs. These Jews eggs hatch into jewlings and finally into money making accountants. This has been the philosophy for the owners and the team for awhile now. As you already read, the Leafs are majority owned by the evil Toronto's Teachers Pension Fund, also known as the TPF. What many don't know is that the current name is a cover. TPF actually stands for 'The Poon Fighters'. This anti poon clan is out to eliminate all in the world. To carry out this mission, they require poon destroying monsters aka the Toronto Maple Leafs players themselves. To be more efficient, the TPF only hires the most qualified people for the job. Here is their actual lineup: CF- Cliff Fetcher. Recruits the poon (at least temporarily). Sundin, McCabe and Kubina (nay, 7/8ths of the team) stand in his way from getting fresh poon. The police also do this (scummers). PM- Poon Masher. Draws up the plans Mats Sundin- Captain of the poon stomping line. He is the strongest of all the destroyers. Favourite moves include bashing the back of the puck holder's head. He is bald because thats how the he likes it. And he screwed the sens over. Go ahead Sens fans. SCREWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWED! Cause that is what you are... True Dat!!!!!!!!!!! Jason Blake- Newest recruit, not fully transformed. He doesn't have that much power as Sundin, but makes up for it with speed. Nik Antropov- Has improved a lot this year, too bad he still sucks. Huge, can destroy more than one at a time. Carlos Amigos (ironically not Spanish) Colaiacovo- Generally gets injured for prolonged periods before, after and during poon stomping.

[edit] The Rebuilding Progress

Golf Season, 2008 It started out promising - they picked up a 41 year old goalie who used to be stellar for a price that doesn't particularly matter. Then they fucked it. They will be paying Niklas Hagman $3 million USD (about $30 CAD nowdays) for the next 4 years - who had the fortune of playing on a line with good playmakers, particularly Brad Richards, and was still as cold as fuck for the best part of the season. It was an okay move, I guess - not like he'll be able to choke in the playoffs again for the next 4 years at least. Then....the major screw up came in:

Jeff Finger What? Who the fuck is Jeff Finger? Well, whatever he does, he's going to be taking $3.5 million dollars of your precious cap space for many years so you can't buy aging veterans who have a fetish to lose (Kaberle - he's okay enough to win a cup somewhere).

[edit] The Last Coach

The last coach for the leafs was Rufus Wainwright, who lost all cups with the team (with this kinda name, who would win anyway?). The current coach is Dopey... who else would coach them? They live on fantasyland... but there are rumours that maybe Stephen Harper is going to coach the team along with Jean Chrétien or a tree.

[edit] The McCabe Code

If you can beat them...join them. He showed this during an overtime game against the Sabres where he scored them the overtime winner with 4 seconds left in the game. At least it wasn't the game winning goal in the Stanley Cup Finals like Senators.

[edit] Rivalries

The Maple Leafs' worst rival is the Montreal Canadiens, given the long history of Original Six match-ups between the two clubs. The fact that half of Toronto is owned by Bank of Montreal also gives the rivalry a provincial flair, which is perhaps best captured in the popular Canadian short story, "The Habs Thrive". The Leafs also share a rivalry with the Ottawa Senators. The Ottawa Senators are a pathetic rival since the capital city is near Toronto, leafs fans rely on the Senators to vent their anger from their teams suckage, they focus on the sens playoff non choking to forget their lack of playoffs, had the Senators won the playoffs all leaf fans would go on a murderous rampage killing all of the maple leafs staff and team and then start The Great War of Canada.

But their biggest rival of all is themselves. Every year the Leafs hold a Blue vs White game. The losing team is sacrificed to the TPF's poon destroying monsters. They get their powers from testicles.

[edit] Following

Unfortunately, thanks to fascist press media, the Maple Leafs are popular across Canada. Conversely, there is an equally passionate dislike of the team by fans of other teams, and not just the Canadiens´ fans (meaning Senators fans too, and also fans from the Oilers and Canucks). In November 2002, the Leafs were named by Sports Illustrated as the "Most Hated Team in Hockey".

[edit] Recent Team News

A seven year old boy was at the centre of an Ontario courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him and Sundin was traded for a few sticks and a water bottle (thats a unfair trade, for the team that traded the supplies, Sundin's not worthy enough.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[edit] Season-by-season record

There are no statistics since they were beaten at all times. Who would care then? Since Toronto is always trying to be NYC, the same thing happens with the Leafs, who are always trying to be something they aren´t, trying to be the Montreal Canadiens or the Ottawa Senators, for example. The Leafs are also trying to be the New York Yankees these days, or the Giants... since NY is losing now, one more fact for Toronto to follow!!! It´s all about losing when it comes to be just like NYC!!!

A mathematical analysis completed by Stephen Hawking has demonstrated that four things are more likely to happen in the world of professional sport before Toronto wins another Stanley Cup:

1) Cleveland will erect a statue honouring Art Modell [1]

2) Brooklyn will declare a Walter O'Malley Appreciation Day [2]

3) The New York Nationals will be crowned NBA Champions [3]

4) The New York Jets will win the Super Bowl

[edit] Individual Records

• Most Goals in a season: Pooh The Tiger, 2 (1981-82)
• Most Assists in a season: Brian Mulroney,3 (1992-93)
• Most Points in a season: Stephen Harper, 5 (1992-93)
• Most Penalty Minutes in a season: Tie Domi, 78921 (1997-98)
• Most Points in a season, defenceman:FLAVA FLAV!, 2 (1976-77)
• Most Shots in a year: 50 Cent, 5 (1917-18)

[edit] Future Draft Picks

The Toronto Maple Leafs are currently trying to sign The following players for 2009 Draft Picks:

• Bill Gates (1st Round Pick)
• Britney Spears (2nd Round Pick)
• Bruce Willis (3rd Round Pick)
• 50 Cent (4th Round Pick)
• Dudley the Dragon (5th Round Pick)
• Harry Potter (6th Round Pick)
• The Hulk (7th Round Pick)

These seven Draft Picks will end up costing the Toronto Maple Leafs $5 in total. The General Manager Celine Dion seems to think this is to much money to spend on players. The leafs had spent a total of $2.6 last year on there draft picks. However next years 2009 draft picks are expected to do ALOT FOR TORONTO. Dudley the Dragon (age 5422) is expected to score his first goal ever in his NHL career with the Toronto Maple Leafs. GM Celine Dion is also trying to sign Tiger Woods as a 1st Round Draft Pick for the year 3000. Tiger Woods will cause several injuries for many hockey goalies as he blasts the puck 2817102783187230918 miles per hour at the goalies mask for an instant K.O. With all these goaltenders getting injured, Tiger Woods hopes that the team will have a better shot at making the playoffs.

[edit] See Also

• Losers
• Toronto
• Toronto (the City, not the Game)
• Tie Domi
• Jack Layton
• Hockey
• Chuck Norris
• NHL
• National Hockey League
• Cavemen
• Maple Leafs' Head Cheerleader

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