Tottenham Hotspur
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“And on the seventh day, God did not rest, as his wife suggested, but he created Tottenham, just so he could have a good old laugh whenever he felt like it”
~ Torah on Tottenham
“I fancied a change, same faces day in day out, I needed some more eye candy...”
~ Sol Campbell on why he left spurs
“News has just arrived, the head chef of Tottenham Hotspur has been named, Sol Campbell, and could be linked towards the food poisoning situation”
~ David Jones on Sky Sports News
“In Soviety Russia, Tottenhan makes fun of YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Spurs
| Tottenham Hotspur | |
| |
| Spurry-Wurrys | |
| Founded | Day 7 |
| Ground | Shite Harte Lane, London |
| Manager | "One-Day" Ramos |
| Chairman | Danny from The Shining |
| League | FA Premiership |
Tottenham Hotspur are a nominal adjunct of the FA Premier League, pretty much only in existence to provide a mediocre opposition for the other teams to play against, with mediocre thoroughly over-rating this miserable excuse for a club.
In the 2735 years of the FA Premier League's existence, it has been empirically proven that Tottenham cannot complete a league season above a position of fifth. Some believe that this is due to the fact that the recently parolled team coach, Martin Jol, insisted that the team were fed a diet of Asda own-brand Lasagne, which is of questionable quality but very good value for money. It is thought that due to budget constraints, old pieces of lasagne are reheated at mealtimes towards the end of the playing season, forcing a further drop of the teams already questionable form via a widespread bout of food poisoning. Either that, or they're just crap.
They are known to openly imitate their bitter arch-enemy l'Arsenal every way possible. For example, Arsenal's policy of signing a bunch of "young talents" (which, unknown to the Spurs, actually stems from Arsene Wenger being a paedophile) has been eagerly followed by the Spurs (to a lesser extent of success). In addition, Tottemham plays "beautiful football", which consists of Michael Dawson and Younes Kaboul running around like confused chickens and "Calamity" Paul Robinson scoring an own goal every 20 minutes. This "beautiful football" usually ends up with scores such as 86-80, mainly due to the Spurs players preferring to play 0-4-7 formation despite whatever their manager tells them.
Contents |
[edit] History
Tottenham are not the San Antonio Spurs, as someone has suggested. This person is clearly on some Charlie Chalk (I mean cocaine, not Charlie Chalk the much respected clown.)
Tottenham Hotspur are named such because they hail from the area of North-East London known as the marshes (hence the nickn =-][';.m1e pond scum/ pond dwellers/swampies), although all Tottenham fans are actually from Edmonton as everyone else in London supports Arsenal or Chelsea (AKA teams that have one). The 'Hotspur' tag derives from the fact that the town of Tottenham once housed a Spur factory which exported its boot-accessories to the 'western' area of the USA. The spur-making machines were known to get very warm in the manufacturing process, so former owner Phillip Schofield added 'Hotspur' to the name in 1930.
In 1961 Tottenham completed the English League and Cup double and have never hesitated to ensure that people have not been allowed to forget this. This ensures that the current generation of fans (not actually born at the time) can recite the cup winning team ad nauseum (with the emphasis on the nausea....and black and white photos).
Tottenham Hotspur were known as Totteringham Hotspuds between 1993 and 1997 due to a cynical two-pronged marketing ploy. The first 'prong' was the incorporation of their best player Edward P. Sheringham's name into the team's name in an effort to convince the masses that the team were better than they actually were. The second change was made as an attempt to increase attendances by attracting fans of potato-based food-stuffs to matches. The ploy failed due to a breakdown of communication with the catering staff, and potato fans shunned the club when they found no traces of potato on the club's food menus, save for the Cornish pasties (which were only 12% potato).
Tottenham never quite managed to recover from this terrible mistake and have ever since been cursed to be stuck mid table for the rest of time, but in recent years have been rewarded for superb football and have been give UEFA cup football for two seasons in a row, they are considered top contenders for this tournament.
It is general knowledge that Spurs havent beat Arsenal since November 1999 and Arsenal fans boast how they cannot even beat their youth team, even though it is clear that Spurs dominate every game against Arsenal, 1st or youth team, but have no backbone so eventually lose every game, until recently where Spurs thrashed Arsenal's 2nd team 5-1.
However, despite this minor victory in the Careless Cup, Tottenham's poor showings against Arsenal in the past God knows how many years is the result of a curse Arsene Wenger put on the shit ridden club. Apparently, Wenger shit in every corner of White Heart Lane , thus aptly renamed Shite Heart Lane.
Also Lennon and Berbatov likke to yummy yummy in the closet! oooooo baby is their orgasms and there lovlyness and they lyk also to bummy bummy eachother and also lyk to have lots of yummy yummy in the closet and sucky sucky their dicky dickys!
[edit] shite Players - 2006-2007 Season
- Calamity Paul
- Pascal Chimpinahonda
- Kung-Po Lee
- Diddy Diver
- Edgar Stevie Wonder
- Tiny Teem
- Paul III Stalteri
- Jermaine Penis
- Dimitar Gustav Alejandro Brian Berbararotov.................ski
- Pikey O'Reilly
- Jesus
- Mr. Fulham
- Jermaine Defecation
- Aaron, Son of Morg
- Lesley Rey
- Martin 2.0
- Graham "c*nt" Poll
- Michael Dawson's Creek
- Darren's Bent
- The ManChild from White Heart Lane
- Ifil ill because we've won fuck all
- Danger! DANGER! ZOKORA!!!!
[edit] Formation
Robinson
Dawson Lee
Lennon Jenas Fattlestone Malbranque
Keane Greasy Hair
Chimbonda Kaboul
[edit] Fans & Style
Tottenham fans are sometime referred to as being blind and arrogant. And all of them are socially retarded.
Collectively known as scum, Spurs fans have been known to 'turn' on a particular player they feel isn't playing 'in the Tottenham way'(otherwise known as losing) .
The Tottenham way is to make sure that they always have no chance of winning anything of note.
If Tottenham do manage to win a few games in a row then the fans immediately think that they are the best team on God's green earth, and that 'the glory days' are returning.
Tottenham fans are also known to moan quite a lot (especially some of the exiled fans in South Wales). Those from Llanelli are known for their long memories of the days when Tottenham were a force in English football (around 1895).
Often overheard in one of the delightful pubs around the ground is the complaint that the club is being run 'on the cheap'.
But my god, aren't they just the best fans in the world? well no the fans only support there team when they are winning.
Spurs fans lovingly refer to rival team Arsenal's manager Arsene Wenger as "the god we want".
They are known to be the biggest shitters in the premiership running from many Grounds crying for there Mums after a battering.
They hang on to the belief they are a big club despite their inability to win games, their shithole of a ground and the questionable parentage of their entire playing staff.
Champions league your having a laugh is their favourite chant...
After spending approx £50 million on players in the summer the spuds are currently 3rd...... from bottom of the table (thier best achievement to date)
Tootenham are very "shite" as their stadium suggests. And their fans clearly are retarded
They give away 3-0 leads to teams such as Man City (where they heriocally lost 4-3) and they also fucked it up against Chelsea when they were 3-1 up at da bridge. and chelsea won da replay
This is a classic example of a Tottenham fan's dillusion and mental problems - "Also, ricky is gay and has even quoted that he and all 5 of the other tottenham players take their shirts of after every match, i stopped him there.
[edit] Famous Players
Jimmy "6 of the worst" Greaves
That Argentinian Bloke in Escape to Victory
Teddy "Are you STILL playing?" Smugingham
Sol "The only defender in the village" Campbell
That's it
