Tour de France
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Originally done on unicycles, the Tour de France has grown in popularity and is now world renowned as the world's least intense bike race. Started in 54BC in Egypt, it used to be called "Le tour de Egypt." However, that was before major droughts and when there were suitable bike paths. Only three people have ever actually completed the race without dying of starvation, as the contestants are not permitted to eat during the course of the race.
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[edit] Little known facts about the race
- The Tour de France is no longer done on unicycles, and it is done on bicycles.
- The winner of each stage is presented with a yellow jersey.
- The yellow jersey was introduced in 1988 after years of increasing rates of bicycle/wine soaked drunken frenchmen collisions. The reasoning goes that if the fastest rider is wearing a bright jersey, then spectators can engage in the ritualistic soiling of the jersey by throwing their drinks at the rider (but only if the rider is Lance Armstrong)
- The Tour de France is the only sporting event in the world not to be endorsed by Saturn.
- The Tour de France does not use planes.
- There are no Snakes on the nonexistent planes.
- Therefore, there is no Samuel L. Jackson on the theoretical planes with snakes.
- Thus, there is not Pulp Fiction on the planes with Snakes and Samuel L. Jackson in the Tour de France.
- With no Pulp Fiction, there is no gold watch and only computers.
- However, the computers are not PCs, but instead Macs.
- Sued the infamous 'Tour de Pants' after Bill Clinton founded the contest
- Therefore, Bill Gates does not make any profit from selling computers at the Tour de France, but does make minor profit from advertising.
- However, after each race, the contestants throw out the Mac's and exchange them at "Le futureshop" for Windows.
- So, Bill Gates makes much profit afterwards, but not really during the race.
- However, the sinking level of the French "le dollar" means that they must pay with French pastries.
- Bill Gates, finding these tasty but valueless pastries, utterly useless and he gives them away to starving children.
- The starving children, in turn from being fed, grow up to get an education.
- This education allows them to get various jobs, requiring them to buy PC's.
- So, in conclusion, the Tour de France is just a giant profit making scheme by Bill Gates.
[edit] The Tour de France Winners
The only people to have won the Tour de France were;
- Bill Gates (using his virtual reality bike.)
- Lance Armstrong (The only rider to have completed the tour eating only bread, water and a mysterious saddle sore cream.)[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Oprah Winfrey (rallying people to carry her down the track.)
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France 63,000 times in a row, all 34,000 years. Oprah and Bill Gates tied in the year 1340AD, because they didn't actually have to do any work.
- The 2007 Tour de France will almost certainly be won again by Drug Pushers.
[edit] Shortcuts
There are actually some little known shortcuts in the Tour de France. When the racers go past Old Farmer Noob's pasture, you are actually able to squeeze past a small part of the fence, due to some collision issues the level designers had with making the huge map. However, in a recent patch to solve the problem, the designers made a trigger so that when you cross into the field, Farmer Noob comes at you with a shovel and you loose stamina and health. Another shortcut is when you're going past the coast, around the middle of the track, there is a gap in the fence dropping off into the ocean. And if you time it just right, you can actually drop onto a small platform leading to a cave that cuts underneath all the roads in a short straight path to the end.
[edit] Rules of the Tour de France
There are many rules in the Tour de France, but with the right hacks you can usually bypass all of them.
- No Wall Hacks (No way to get around this rule, if you do use a wall hack, you get banned from the server.)
- If you die, other players can't rez you. (If you have god mode on, you can bypass this rule quite easily.)
- No Snakes on a Bicycle. (A pointless rule, but one year a contestant kept a bag of snakes with him to throw at the other bikers.)
- No weapons, knives only. (Don't bother bypassing this rule, the admins will ban you for life.)
Those are about all the rules, and hacking is not condoned but can be accomplished if you do it secretly or only at certain "hack tracks" in the race.
[edit] The Tour de France Route
The Tour de France goes all throughout France, and passes many landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower (twice, in fact, on the 54th lap,) A massive beached whale carcass that has lain on France's mighty shores for over three hundred years, and has attracted more tourists than flies. Then, the racers head downwards into The French Underground Tunnel, where you go about 63,000 kilometres below sea level. Often, non superhuman contestants will die or have died by this time in the race. Often the undersea janitors will have to go down and clean up all the crumpled and compressed corpses to make way for other racers. Once past the tunnel, the racers must drive past thousands upon thousands of kilometres of incredibly boring farm land, and must not fall of their bikes from boring scenery. After the only most focused (or most hyped up on amphetamines,) will probably make it past here. Next is the magical French Forest, where the huge population of mushrooms make everything all messed up, so only contestants who are messed up already can really make it past here, or only very lucky people.
[edit] Controversies having Something to do with the Tour
The main problem with the tour, is when Americans win it. This annoys the French, because Americans always show a stark lack of ability to win bike races until they turn 28 and enter the Tour, while the French riders get about 10th if they're lucky. The natural conclusion is, of course, that Americans learn how to cheat when they turn 28, and should therefore be banned from riding the Tour. Lance Armstrong has used this several times to prove his innocence, because if he logically must be guilty of cheating, he must be scientifically innocent, and any accusation that he was cheating must be a logically derived bias, and therefore isn't worth paying any attention to.
However, it's not just talented American riders who annoy the organisers - after a failed 7 year campaign to get Lance out of the race, the next race they held they immediately banned the top 5 riders for suspicions of doping, suspicions of suspicions of doping and suspicions of them being friends with the pet dog of a man who knew a man who knew a woman who knew some other women, but didn't know the wife of a doctor who had a shabby front door and no receptionist. This, embarrassingly, led to an American winning again, but this was easily solved by showing that anyone with his level of testosterone should not be allowed to compete in cycling races, as he was far too manly. This year, the organisers are threatening that if every professional rider doesn't personally kiss every official on the arse none of them will be invited.
