Tourettes Guy
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| Daniel "Danny" Walters | |
 A Portriat of Daniel, circa 1996. | |
| Forbes World's Richest Position: | Not listed |
|---|---|
| Founder of: | Tourettism |
| Nationality: | Canadian |
| Last Residence: | Tel Aviv |
| Cause of Death: Complications of being close to a Car Bomb | |
“PISS!”
- ~ Tourettes Guy on the difference between pissing out the window and shitting out the window
“You hit me in the DICK!”
- ~ Tourettes Guy on Paper Towels
“Go count your DICK!”
- ~ Tourettes Guy on Paradoxial Quantum Mathematics
“You can suck my dick... OR COCK!”
- ~ Tourettes Guy on The Lion King
“no...No...NO...BUTTFUCK!!!”
- ~ Tourettes guy on Twizzlers
Daniel P. Walters (1945 - 2007), also known by the affectionate title The Tourettes Guy, was one of the greatest philosophers of today, known for his world renknown novels and literary works such as DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY DICK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!: The Authoritive Guide to Housewives, and Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster?: The Authoritive Guide on Bad Roommates. Recently he even had his own television show distributed over the internet in which he is called "the Tourettes Guy" for his apparent bouts of swearing during intake of alcohol.
Contents |
Life
Early Years
Daniel was born to Johnathan and Dorothy Walters. Johnathan, an alcoholic and a mall santa, would sometimes abuse Danny verbally. Dorothy would call him a total failure and mistake. Despite being set back with words, he turned to alcoholism by the age of 8 and would conquer his fear of his father.
Later Years
Many of Daniel's most significant works come from the later years of his life, particularly after his significant injuries both physically and mentally in the thick jungles of Vietnam, which forced him into wearing a permanent neckbrace and a steel plate installed on the left side of this head primarily made of depleted uranium, which at the time, wasn't considered harmful and was even an honor.
Daniel would become more demented as time went on, slowly developing tourettes syndrome while he worked on philosophical novels. He would sue Colgate for 5 million dollars due to an issue of making him feel a bit upset, and making his breath too minty. Colgate attourney John McSchmitty would win the case for his client when he made the point that Daniel should not, in fact, eat the toothpaste after brushing. However, Colgate did agree to making a toothpaste which tasted "slightly less minty, but with more tonic water for balance".
Work on Philosophy
Daniel would work on many works of philosophy during his times studying at Jolly Pirate Donuts. His last book published during this time was BITCH! I LOVE YOU: The Secret to Makeup Sex with Your Ex. Other significant works include Cauldecott award winning children's book Chewbacca is Taking a shit in my Garbage Disposal, and a pulitzer prize winning detailing work in Vietnam entitled HOLY FUCK THAT MAN IS BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF HIMSELF!. However, as the years passed by the public didn't think his works were interesting anymore with his last philosophical book being The Solutions to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict: Why I Think Piss Christ Kicks ass and can fix this Whole Bullshit.
He would make a press release stating "Fuck you." to the general public before leaving for Israel to study sexually transmitted diseases. This wouldn't go well for him. No scientist respected his work. However, he did reach a conclusion, documented in his private journal as "Fuck 'em".
Death
Daniel would love his time in Pakistan studying sexually transmitted diseases and their relations to Bob Saget. However, in July of 2007, a Hamas car bomb would explode. Due to a film producer accidentally running red-tape across the film strip, the news was not released until later, when they artificially fit in what they actually thought was happening at that time, sort of like Yellow Journalism, only more honest because of the time period.
The autopsy revealed that Danny had choked on a hot dog during the time of the attack. Paremedics failed to dislodge due to a drinking contest which was happening simultaneously between the paramedics and the driver. It is said that the paremedics had passed the hospital five times before they realized what exactly they were doing.
Impact
Danny's impact on philosophy was rather limited. Nobody cared about his ideas, or his death for that matter, as no obituaries were ever published and people had wondered if he had even died at all. These rumors were quickly defused through the use of tear gas and IP bans. Whether Danny lives on or not, it mattered not. Even Nietzsche pissed on his grave.
Publications
Books
- DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY DICK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!: The Authoritive Guide to Housewives - 1979
- HOLY FUCK THAT MAN IS BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF HIMSELF! - 1984
- Chewbacca is Taking a shit in my Garbage Disposal - 1989
- A Picture of a Giraffe: Alex Trebek, an unauthorized biography - 1994
- 200 Pounds of Birdshit: A Science Theory of Birds - 1995
- WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE A BANANA AND SHIT? Introducing Tourettism - 1996
- A LONG-LEGGED PISSED-OFF PURTO RICAN!: A Biography of Long-Legged Purto Ricans - 1997
- YOU GO TO HELL!: The Bad Place For All of the People - 1998
- BITCH! I LOVE YOU: The Secret to Makeup Sex with Your Ex. - 1999
- Tuba for Dummies - 2000
- The Complete Idiots Guide to Staying At Home, Playing with Tits and Looking at Asses at the Same Time - 2003
- PISSING OUT THE WINDOW & SHITTING OUT THE WINDOW ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS: Guide to Piss & Shit - 2003
- The Solutions to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict: Why I think Piss Christ kicks ass and can fix this whole mess - 2004
- Death of Disney: THAT'S NOT MICKEY MOUSE, THAT'S JUST TIT DIRT! - 2004
- The Movie Novelization of The Lion King 1 1/2: You can Suck My Dick... OR COCK! - 2004
- Lesbians: That just Means they like what you Like. - 2005
- Sucking Dicks (or Cocks) for Dummies - 2005
- OH BOB SAGET!: The Movie Novelization - 2006
Albums
- Porcupine's Balls - 2001 (readings)
- Chewbacca Takin' a Shit! - 2002
- A Whole Lotta Fuckin' - 2003 (duet with father)
- Bigfoot: Nobody Gives a Shit feat. Long-legged Pissed-off Puertorican - 2004
- Led Zeppelin IV - 2005
- Don't Talk Shit About Total - 2006
