South Park

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THIS ARTICLE IS FREAKING WEIRD.

“I hereby declare this day, Matt Stone and Trey Parker day for teaching me that my eyesight fools me and the world is really made of construction paper.”

~ George W. Bush on July 4, 2002

“South Park is called South Park.”

~ Captain Obvious on South Park

South Park is an educational kids television show, formerly shown exclusively on PBS. It is the idiotic American reality television program, which takes place primarily on the Colorado Southern Plateau also known as South Park. The television show refers to the "quiet little mountain town of South Park" mainly for reasons of stupidity and incest. Contrary to the popular belief of its residents South Park is not a real town but in fact a toy town designed and run by the government to entice tourists, I mean terrorists (not tourists) into the area. Most of its residents are thankfully gay and suck and are morons. old and either haven't noticed yet or are simply too feeble to do anything about it. If you ever visit the area, make sure to point and laugh at them.

When you visit South Park you need to keep your distance from the older residents who, suck through long hours staring at cardboard. cut outs of South Park characters willing them to talk, have developed AIDS in the brain. General behavior patterns include frothing from the mouth, nose, eyes, ears, fingernails and nipples while clawing at the air around them. Pepper Spray, sadly does not work. The only way to defeat these demons is to fart in a jar and dance.

Any park located south of the city centre can have the nickname South Park attached to it. South Parks are notable for being warmer in the northern hemisphere than in the southern hemisphere, due to the mean distribution of southness and northness.

Many so called 'South Parks' are in fact 'North Parks', due to a topological error in 1792 made by famous geologist Albert Murphy Sinbad Kanye Einstein. There is reportedly also a location referred to as "middle park," but nobody really cares. If you ever see Albert Murphy Sinbad Kanye Einstein in the street, make sure you mercilessly beat him to a pulp.

Contents 1 Characters 2 Secondary Characters 3 Famous South Parks 4 History 5 Trivia 6 Links

Characters

• Eric Cartman : Eric Cartman is one of the cult favourites of the "South Park" series as he always states things as they are. Their have been many critiscisms of the way he expresses his own personal views but lets be honest, the boys always right. Kyle is a "dirty jew", the hippies do deserve to die and he is above everyone. Cartman has the amazing talent to get away with absolutely everything he does in that he has killed more then one person or been the reason for their death, has countlessly used armed weapons to threaten people and did try to "finish what Hitler started" by killing the jews.

• Kenny McCormick : Poor but sexy kid that somehow bought a PSP. The greatest person ever. Has had her own spin-off called Kenny227 where she was a robot. Used to die in every episode, until the writers ran out of funny ways to kill her. Plus "Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!" got old after the 23rd repetition in a single episode. Kenny now participates in sex with the other actors at will, despite her intimidating appearance. You would like this show, <insert name here>.

• Kyle Broflovski : Or Brovlowsky... or is it Brovlovski... ski or sky? Anyway, he's the token Jew, despite him actually being a Muslim. Gave birth to Mr. Hankey. He always wears a green hat, that if you squint your eyes really hard it looks like a dragon with a wig on. Also known as "dirty jew".

• Stan Marsh : The de' facto leader of the four. Wears a dumb puff ball hat. He always throws up when near a girl (mainly Kenny) or if he gets too excited.

Secondary Characters

• Aunt Flow: Aunt Flow is the sister of Stan Marsh's mother. According to Stan's father, Randy, Aunt Flow visits once a month for a period of 4-5 days, during which time Stan's mother is easily irritated, makes unreasonable demands, forces Randy to sleep on the chesterfield, and is basically the cause of much unhappiness for all members of the family during this period. (Seen in the episode where a pet store was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.)
• Butters : Real name: Leopold Stotch (not scotch, dumbass). Is generally everyone's bitch by everyone's consent (except his). Enjoys playing with toy cars when not being smacked around or tricked into having sex. After he was fired as as kenny's replacment he became proffesser choas and went on a mass murder spree roung south park.
• Ike : Kyle's little brother (was adopted from Canada). Head resembles Weebl and Bob. Got exploded in one of the episodes when the budget became too high leading to a sharp increase in ratings.
• Mr./Mrs. Garrison : Oh SCISSOR ME TIMBERS! Teaches the children how the world really is; Filthy Sanchez, Hot Karl, etc. AMBIGUSOULY STRAIGHT, then AMBIGUOUSLY GAY, then VERY GAY, then TRANSSEXUAL, then GAY AGAIN. Now is female and STRIGHT, Then LESBIAN, and then BECOMES A MAN WHOSE SEXUALITY IS UNKNOWN. Enjoys baking, pissing sitting down and strutting. Had sex with his dad and has a gay slave. Man. What a fucked up but funny guy, girl....thing
• Jimmy : T...T...To...ken cri... cri...ple #... #...2 (see Timmy). Comedian and member of the Cri... Cri... Cri..ps.
• Mr. Hankey : Walking, talking piece of Christmas-loving poo that lives in the sewers underneath South Park. Hooooooowdy ho kids!!! Is often seen crawling along children's faces at night on Christmas Eve.
• Mr. Mackey: M'Kay!
• Mr. Slave : "Oh Jesus Christ!" Mr. Garrison's boyfriend; in school, the teacher's assistant (the teacher's ass). Breaks up with Garrison after the sex-change operation. Is currently married to Big Gay Al.
• Phillip : Dick faced cock master.
• Pip: A completely useless character with the dumbest name ever. He fucked a pencil sharpener once.
• Randy : Stan's dad, and part time fag amuser. Enjoys hitting kids when no-one else watches. Oh... my... god.
• Terrance : donkey raping shit-eater.
• Timmy : The token criple along with Jimmy, suspected to be the first and only water head annorexic
• Token: The only black-skinned kid in south park. From the way he acts, though, he seems as white as Whitney Houston's nostrals on a saturday night. Has a lot of money and advertises it by throwing lumps of Gold at people who annoy him. Has been sued twice for attempted manslaughter.
• Towelie: A tampon originally designed by aliens to dehydrate the people of Earth, he prefers instead to sit around and get high. He also reminds kids to bring tampons with them wherever they go. When told that such advice is useless, he'll stubbornly attempt to refute the statement by saying 'it IS useful'. If they contradict him, he'll continue to say 'yes it is!' until the conversation hopelessly ends at some point. This character's punch-line is actually a subtle reference to the need for towels on the Vogon space ship in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy movie series by Douglas Adams, where towels served as sheilds against the aliens' weapons. Will ask attending third party bypassers who might happen to be in the same room if they wish to get high. If they refuse, he'll say 'You sure?', ultimately producing a minimally awkward moment. If they refuse a second time, he'll wander away.
• Tweek : Coffee addict who fears Coffee. Replaced Kenny after he died, and didn't come back for a while.
• Towelyieeeeeeee: The name Towelie originally used for his autobiography, before changing it to Brown Mustache Human Towelyieeeeeee.

Famous South Parks

The most famous of all 'South Parks' is in Coyoteefields Texas, officially named Coyoteefields Texas Inner City Children's Playground and Green Area, where famous actor and one time MC John Frederick Kennedy was killed by a gum nut falling off the top of a large oak tree. Due to the fact that JFK was killed immediately after an illicit encounter with a female orangutan, a large scale CIA cover up was arranged by the people of Nashville, in which a dummy dressed like a hobo was shot in the head by a deranged lunatic, and then a couple of times more by deranged conspiracy theorizers to make sure.

Another famous South Park is located in Frankfurt, Germany. Named Lunkensburg after the famous Edward Lunken who owned a large castle on the site. The Lunken castle was razed to the ground by tax officials, who decided enough was enough and stepped in to stop Lunken's constant tax evasion. Lunken fled Germany and became a pirate on the pacific ocean, and is now renowned as a local hero in his town of birth.

A less significant south park, resides in the mountains of Colorado. Some unpopular animated children's television show was based in this town, but it sucked and lost all of its viewers to the amazingly popular the Teletubbies. Before being cancelled and all copies of its episodes sent to the planet of the apes, it was characterized by its well-researched, thought-provoking, unambivalent, and morally non-retarded take on the events of the day. Despite this handicap, it did receive an award for Best Children's Animated Series from the International Parents' Society in 1998.

There is a South Park in Los Angeles. That said, don't go there unless you wanna get capped in yo ass.

If you live in a world where the fate of humans can be determined by a PSP game, little boys can die and come back each episode you might be living in a South Park.

History

South Park has been around since 100 b.c. Nobody watched it back then because nobody had a f ing t.v., but trust me it was around then. Back then Eric Cartman was known as Moses, Stan was Noah, Kenny was Hitler (Nobody liked him), and Kyle was Jesus (pronounced hay-zoos). If you dont believe this then ask your mother. The episodes back then were more meaningful, and had to do with buttons. The script was printed out, and it became known as the bible.

Trivia

• Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are TeH Ub3R PwnZ0R in World Of Warcraft.
• Fans of the show enjoy that the show has moved beyond being just toilet humor and is now just Trey Parker's platform for espousing his Libertarian beliefs.
• Tom Cruise once attempted to use his evil powers to remove South Park from the planet, but failed after being encased in Carbonite by Oprah Winfrey.
• He is also still in the closet.
• So is R. Kelly.
• There is no north in South Park; all directions are south. If you attempt to walk northwards, you will create an instability in the time-space continuum and enter a mirror universe. If you survive, you will end up in North Park, but the chances of surviving such an incident depend on the time of year and the atmospheric conditions.
• George W. Bush watches South Park on Tivo, because it is aired past his bedtime.
• Sexual Harassment Panda had an abusive childhood. He has since forgotten about the traumatic incidents, and also forgotten that he is a human in a panda suit. If anyone attempts to remove his suit or convince him he's human, he becomes hysterical and sometimes violent.
• Eric Cartman killed all the hippies in his basement by peeing in their bong.
• Jesus resides in South Park, Colorado.
• Satan used to have a gay relationship with Sadam Husein but they broke up in "South Park-The Movie"

Links

• Watch South Park Online!
• You know what? I've learned something today