Train

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British Rail like to play practical jokes

Trains are commonly regarded as a strange combination of public transport, mobile torture device and lateness inductor. The ratio of public transport to torture varies as a function of the time of day. Around the beginning or end of the standard working day the ratio massively favours torture/lateness at the expense of transport. At other times of day the ratio balances out again.

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1 Operation Trains
2 Trainspotters Railfans
3 Belt-Overhang
4 Lateness Induction
5 Viking Attacks
6 Sewage Dumping
7 Flying
8 The Gay Train
9 Fap Fap Train
10 See also
11 External links
12 UNLINK

[edit] Operation Trains

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Train.

People jumping into the paths of trains at 3am may not be railfans, but very depressed.

Trains must operated by a trained professional a Driver. A Driver usually receives his training by undergoing a four or more day course of instruction in a portacabin or on a form of train simulator, knowing that a train fails, then to either hit it with a big hammer, swear at it, or reboot the system several times. Train Drivers also have a severe addiction to tea, smoking, coca-cola and swearing, and often have Belt-Overhang. Most trains crash on their first use for example:

A tilting train that's tilted too far at the Gay Rigg derailment

[edit] Trainspotters Railfans

Trainspotters (on the good side of the pond) or railfans (on the American side of the pond) are those people that at 3am near tracks just to see that "special engine". They talk about F40PH-2s or SD40-2s, or something like that. Surprisingly, they have sex frequently, as demonstrated by the constant discussion about "Humping".

They are mysterious peoples who hang out "geeky train sites". They are associated with frothing, especially since they have been exposed to Personal Rabid Transit in unusually large numbers, causing them to drool every time they see the window in front of a train - the "railfan window". It is not unheard-of for Trainspotters trips to be knee deep in white bubbly froth from the Trainspotters; hence they are also known as "frothers". This especially applies to younger vegetables (as they are know) from Surrey and/or London in the United Kingdom.

[edit] Belt-Overhang

Thomas loves everybody. Except Blacks and Jews and Asians and Hispanics and...

For anyone involved in the operation of railways to be at least remotely important, they must wear a hi-viz vest, have a decent amount of belt-overhang, as well as being able to stand around on a mobile phone for hours on end.

The more belt-overhang you have, the more important you proportionally are. Next time at your local station, then look at the staff - the higher rank they hold, then the more belt-overhang they will have.

In the case of Thomas the Tank Engine, the person with most belt-overhang is the Obesse Controller, and he is in charge of the whole railway. Coincidence? Not likely!

[edit] Lateness Induction

Trains somehow manage to create lateness from nothing. Scientists are baffled by this, but work progresses to allow them to harness this phenomenon to create perpetual motion. It is believed that vikings may be involved in this process in some way. Indeed, the further East from the Norse regions you go, the less lateness likely to be created, hence the latest trains being in the United Kingdom, which is almost immediately West.

Interestingly, few instances of viking induced, train-created lateness have been reported in Ireland, due West of the United Kingdom, just south of the Fractious Republic. This may be due to the protective effects of permanent holidays and the famous liquor volcanoes of north-central Ireland.

This effect is attributed to the usual non-arrival of all Cityrail trains in Sydney and all Connex trains in Melbourne.

[edit] Viking Attacks

Trains are freqently subjected to violent attacks by Vikings. It is believed that these attacks are in some way created to aid the power of trains to create lateness, or maybe due to their length. Further evidence for this hypothesis has recently come to light with the discovery of viking raids in the later parts of the middle ages. Again, lateness was created, sometimes decades worth, but in these instances the causal trains have not been identified. Other late era viking raids have been reported in the American West, late in the industrial age, with very large trains failing completely to arrive at their destinations, being found immobile, deep in the western deserts, with strange viking artifacts also present.

A typical freight train on a typical bridge on a typical river with a typical landscape bordering it on a typical day.

[edit] Sewage Dumping

Train toilets often dump what one leaves in the toilet on the tracks. This can turn messy when the train is on a bridge and people are under the bridge. Also, at high speeds, sewage can blow back up at the flusher and cover them in pee and poo. Warnings are placed next to toilets to advise not to flush in stations but the experienced prankster knows not to obey them as it is funny too look out the window at the passengers saying "WTFNOOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111".

[edit] Flying

While flying trains can be cheerful, they occasionally lose sense of direction and take a dump.

Trains have minds of their own. When they are depressed they stay on their assigned track route (as if they are lurking on someone). When they are happy (or just on drugs), they fly into the sky. Of course, anyone who doesn't have a life (or someone who watches Thomas the Tank Engine) knows this. Jinty, a character from Thomas the Tank Engine, is commonly known to be seen flying in the background of Stickburgh Station, due to the obese controller throwing drugs at Jinty's mouth, saying "I WANT FOOD, NOT DRUGS!"

[edit] The Gay Train

An example of the result of Prince Charles painting all the trains odd colours, shortly after the Queen had a snooze.

Trains are sometimes gay. One observer, Sehab Sejanus, had his doubts about Gordon from Thomas the Tank Engine. He does not know much about gay trains. They are rare! Once he saw one at Ipswich and took a picture.

Gay trains, or "Error46146s" tend to crop up mostly in Britain. We think Margaret Thatcher's pre-bed time cheese addiction may have something to do with it, but it could well be that the Queen dozed off while Prince Charles painted all the trains odd colours.

Gay trains usually carry the branding of a railfreight operator, to try and cover their Gay-ness. Most diesel Gay trains would usually be class 11 locomotives, although an MTU class 43 has been announced as being 'Gay'. Most electric Gay trains would be 390 units. Although, as to the picture, class 90's may turn gay when they transfer into Norfolk and Suffolk.

Every once in a while, American trains might turn out gay. Since most of our trains are diesel, let me list those here:

EMD F59PHI EMD DD or DE 30AC-DM

These were supposed to be big successes, such as the non-gay F40PH but turned out to be gay failures.

Meanwhile the GE P32ACDMs are not in fact gay but bi.