Train
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Trains are commonly regarded as a strange combination of public transport, mobile torture device and lateness inductor. The ratio of public transport to torture varies as a function of the time of day. Around the beginning or end of the standard working day the ratio massively favours torture/lateness at the expense of transport. At other times of day the ratio balances out again.
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[edit] Operation Trains
[edit] Trainspotters Railfans
Trainspotters (on the good side of the pond) or railfans (on the American side of the pond) are those people that at 3am near tracks just to see that "special engine". They talk about F40PH-2s or SD40-2s, or something like that. Surprisingly, they have sex frequently, as demonstrated by the constant discussion about "Humping".
They are mysterious peoples who hang out "geeky train sites". They are associated with frothing, especially since they have been exposed to Personal Rabid Transit in unusually large numbers, causing them to drool every time they see the window in front of a train - the "railfan window". It is not unheard-of for Trainspotters trips to be knee deep in white bubbly froth from the Trainspotters; hence they are also known as "frothers". This especially applies to younger vegetables (as they are know) from Surrey and/or London in the United Kingdom.
[edit] Belt-Overhang
For anyone involved in the operation of railways to be at least remotely important, they must wear a hi-viz vest, have a decent amount of belt-overhang, as well as being able to stand around on a mobile phone for hours on end.
The more belt-overhang you have, the more important you proportionally are. Next time at your local station, then look at the staff - the higher rank they hold, then the more belt-overhang they will have.
In the case of Thomas the Tank Engine, the person with most belt-overhang is the Obesse Controller, and he is in charge of the whole railway. Coincidence? Not likely!
[edit] Lateness Induction
Trains somehow manage to create lateness from nothing. Scientists are baffled by this, but work progresses to allow them to harness this phenomenon to create perpetual motion. It is believed that vikings may be involved in this process in some way. Indeed, the further East from the Norse regions you go, the less lateness likely to be created, hence the latest trains being in the United Kingdom, which is almost immediately West.
Interestingly, few instances of viking induced, train-created lateness have been reported in Ireland, due West of the United Kingdom, just south of the Fractious Republic. This may be due to the protective effects of permanent holidays and the famous liquor volcanoes of north-central Ireland.
This effect is attributed to the usual non-arrival of all Cityrail trains in Sydney and all Connex trains in Melbourne.
[edit] Viking Attacks
Trains are freqently subjected to violent attacks by Vikings. It is believed that these attacks are in some way created to aid the power of trains to create lateness, or maybe due to their length. Further evidence for this hypothesis has recently come to light with the discovery of viking raids in the later parts of the middle ages. Again, lateness was created, sometimes decades worth, but in these instances the causal trains have not been identified. Other late era viking raids have been reported in the American West, late in the industrial age, with very large trains failing completely to arrive at their destinations, being found immobile, deep in the western deserts, with strange viking artifacts also present.
[edit] Sewage Dumping
Train toilets often dump what one leaves in the toilet on the tracks. This can turn messy when the train is on a bridge and people are under the bridge. Also, at high speeds, sewage can blow back up at the flusher and cover them in pee and poo. Warnings are placed next to toilets to advise not to flush in stations but the experienced prankster knows not to obey them as it is funny too look out the window at the passengers saying "WTFNOOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111".
[edit] Flying
Trains have minds of their own. When they are depressed they stay on their assigned track route (as if they are lurking on someone). When they are happy (or just on drugs), they fly into the sky. Of course, anyone who doesn't have a life (or someone who watches Thomas the Tank Engine) knows this. Jinty, a character from Thomas the Tank Engine, is commonly known to be seen flying in the background of Stickburgh Station, due to the obese controller throwing drugs at Jinty's mouth, saying "I WANT FOOD, NOT DRUGS!"
[edit] The Gay Train
Gay trains, or "Error46146s" tend to crop up mostly in Britain. We think Margaret Thatcher's pre-bed time cheese addiction may have something to do with it, but it could well be that the Queen dozed off while Prince Charles painted all the trains odd colours.
Gay trains usually carry the branding of a railfreight operator, to try and cover their Gay-ness. Most diesel Gay trains would usually be class 11 locomotives, although an MTU class 43 has been announced as being 'Gay'. Most electric Gay trains would be 390 units. Although, as to the picture, class 90's may turn gay when they transfer into Norfolk and Suffolk.
Every once in a while, American trains might turn out gay. Since most of our trains are diesel, let me list those here:
EMD F59PHI EMD DD or DE 30AC-DM
These were supposed to be big successes, such as the non-gay F40PH but turned out to be gay failures.
Meanwhile the GE P32ACDMs are not in fact gay but bi.
[edit] Fap Fap Train
The fap fap train the fap fap train
Ceejus fapping chickens on his fap fap train
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- Amtrek Official Website
- The Miami Valley Rail Authority (archived at the waybackmachine.org)
- Amtrak.com
- what railfans talk about when drunk
