Trauma Center:Under The Knife
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| Trauma Center:Under The Knife | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | ATLUS Books |
| Release Date | Nobody knows, and Nobody Cares. |
| Genre | Sixth Generation Murder |
| Platforms | Nintendo DS |
| Rating | AO (Adults Only) |
| Would Fatty Arbuckle play it? | Hell No |
“Okay, now ill make a relieving incision into the carotid artery to save this man's life.... AH SHIT THE STYLUS IS FUCKING UP AGAIN!”
~ Real life doctor
Trauma Center-Under The Knife is all about this medical intern named Sterek Diles who operates on people when real doctors just don't care about the patient. This must be fairly common, because you operate on so many people in such a short time span, there must be a shit load of people who doctors can't be arsed to operate on. There is also the young, sexy, but extremely bitchy and depressive Angry Thompson. She will give you bad news and worse news, and you can't screw her until a long time. Not worth the wait.
Contents |
[edit] Gameplay
In the game, you operate on people. So simple a retard could do it, right? However, there are a lot of complicated things to learn, summarized here. These are the many tools used to treat the people in need, who no one gives two shits about.
Scalpel- The pointy, very sharp object you use to cut people and other living things. It very tempting to slice the patient into mincemeat with your carbine-edged new found weapon, but doing so gets you spanked, and after that, you will promptly stand by a street light until your authorities are pissed at someone else. Feel free to cut satanic symbols into your patient; no one will notice. Not meant for cutting anything white.
Lazer Light Saber- Fun! You will use the lazer light saber to incinerate and vaporize things, living and dead. Frying a patient's organ will, strangely, cause it to bleed profusely. There is a controversy whether this means that the lazer light saber is cold. As with all lazers light sabers, you must charge it first using a Nintendo DS Lite Charger (model USG-003).
Drain- Is strangely useless. Other than use for masturbation, yo could possibly use this to suck away blood, or things that get in the way (Angry won't fit in the drain, unfortunately)
Hand- What, you aren't allowed to feel up the female patients? You aren't? Then what the hell do I use just my hand for? It's useless, unless you know the cheat code that turns the cut scene where you have sex with Angry into a interactive sex game.
Stitches- If a patient dies, the authorities will not be happy, even though they don't give half a fuck. You have to stitch up the cuts you gleefully and accidentally make, including the ones that were already there, or else nobody will be happy but you for a split second before the person dies from blood loss.
Ultrasound/Magnification- It's a boy! Add another worthless bastard to our shitty lives.
Shit and Semen- Some people call it 'Antibiotic Gel', but it's really just mixed semen and crap. Put some green food coloring in there, and no one will know anything. It is best to but this material from trustworthy sources, or else you may infect some random asshole with AIDS.
Bandages- People can easily get sickened by the sight of their gaping wounds and bleeding arteries, so it is necessary to slap a bandage on the cut,so the patient won't vomit (if they live) and ruin their bedsheets. Laundry comes out of your pay check, you know.
Syringe- Used to inject substances into people, mainly Mountain Dew, which for an unexplained reason, keeps the patient from dying for a certain amount of time. Other substances are injected, but not as often as the Mountain Dew.
- Substances for syringe
- Mountain Dew:Increases Vitals. Green in color.
- Water:Stops inflamation. Blue in color.
- Pempti Jello:Kills the patient. Purple in color.
- Black Bile:Helps kill Savato. Black in color.
- Gay Juice:Turns the patient into a gay. Pink in color.
- 7 UP:Injects a random Uncyclopedia In Joke into the patient. White in color.
Healing Touch- It's a power Diles has that freezes time, when you need it like when some guy's heart breaks in half. Diles can only use it once per surgery.
[edit] Storyline Summary
It's extremely easy and fun to operate on generic civilians, but then, something comes along to ruin your fun. It is GUILT (Gangliated Utrophin immuno-latency toxin, which means its some poison with tentacles.). GUILT was created by these jackasses who seem to have all the REAL fun, genetically shitting up little fishies and microbes to release into the public and cause death. The organization behind this has an extremely gay name (Wolphin), and is funded by the Umbrella Corporation. You and your team of lazy-bastard doctors and nurses from Caduceus try and stop the plague of GUILT, lest the game turn into Resident Evil. Also, you have 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000 chances of doing it.
[edit] Characters
There are lots of loser doctors in the game.
Derek's Piles (also known as Sterek) - Piles is a Doctor who likes to practice dissection on dumb people. He is a Satanist, and enjoys carving pentagrams into his patients during surgery.
Angry Thompson- A HOT nurse who is really annoying, stating bad news and things that you already knew. You fuck her later in the game. Uses a phoenix down on you when Dr. Kasal kills you later than the aforementioned in the game.
Richard Anderson- He says he loves helping people, but actually doesn't. He dies from heart attack after unsuccessfully trying to sue McDonalds for making him fat.
Cybil Myers- A doctor who keeps you from dying by disarming a bomb. You save her from demon intestine worms. Was madly in love with Legs Kasal before she became a woman.
Mary Fuckaton- The complete opposite of Angie. She is super ugly, and helpful.
Chuck 'Legs' Kasal- The fourth son of Chuck Norris' cousin twice removed, he is a doctor who operates on worthwhile people, and that makes him a lot better than you. As soon as he found out Kibble was crushin' on him, he became a woman. Thus, there is a theory that Kibble is gay. When she contracts GUILT, she rips out his liver, removes the GUILT, beats three years of your life away with her liver, and kills you with a roundhouse kick to the testicles. She miraculously survives all of this.
Tyler Chase- Tyler loves to chase girls, hence the name. He is Sterek's best friend, but is really lazy, like the rest of the doctors. He has a sister, Amy Chase, who is infected with the Deftera strain of GUILT. He kills people in operations in badass ways you could never think of. That is, until Caduceus goes on a rape frenzy on Friday the 13th, of June.
Lebi GenericLastName- Some random nurse who took care of Tyler's sister.
Cats- The undead, greenish-yellow leader of Wolphin. He sets you up the bomb. He, apparently, makes GUILT, IN HIS BODY!!!!!! He wants to kill humans.
[edit] Types of GUILT
There are seven types of Guilt. All are named after days of the week for a reason only known to Wolphin.
Invisible Blades, Kyriaki- This one is 'Sunday'. Do people go to the aquarium after church in the Wolphin line of duty? 'Cause this motherfucker has some real stingray vibes to it. 'Kyriaki' crawls in your skin, and causes wounds that will not heal. This thing is a total motherfucker, because once you perform surgery to fix the damage it causes, it just fucks up the person even more once you are done with the operation.
Creeping Tumors, Deftera- This one must be 'Monday'. It's a giant tadpole that excretes itself everywhere. However, once someone tries to remove it, it flips out. It starts to double itself, and two Deftra of each color show up. If two like-colored Deftra come together, they poop everywhere, lowering vitals. Apparently, it's a moving tumour, if you don't get Creeping tumours.
Contagious Nightmare, Triti- This one is 'Tuesday'. It is a triangle thing that gets bigger and bigger until its thorns asplode and make people die. The British say they made this to cure cancer, it went bad, and Wolphin took it. It is really contagious (it can transfer from person to person for retards).
Sycronized Poison, Tetarti- This one is 'Wednesday'. It comes in three colors, looks like fried calamari, and you have to kill fucking it with a syringe. The "doctors" say that this thingy can be spread through sexual contact, proving that Tetarti is actually related to AIDS. The Tetarti makes these bumps that make poison.
Armored Bacteria, Pempti- This is, if the cavity known as your head can't figure it out, Thursday. This bastard variant of jello enters the body through the mouth, disguised as an edible item. However, it squeezes through the oesophagus and wanders around the victim's innards until it gets bored and seeps into an organ, most likely the lungs, liver, or scrotum. It has so much sugar in it, that it almost instantly makes the infected organ contract diabetes. The only way to kill it is to convince it to commit harikari, and then shoot it with the lazer until the combined power of the lazer and the scalpel stabbing the Pempti is over NINE THOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUSSAAAAAND!!!!1 Or,you do the same thing a lot to kill it.
Arrow To The Heart, Paraskevi- Jeez, this sound inspired or what? "Friday" is a pain in the ass shaped like a pipe cleaner, not a pipe cleaner shaped like a pain in the ass. Like Deftera, this fucker is perfectly happy, only accidentally cutting the intestines sometimes, but everyone agrees that it's a dick for some reason. When you find it, it flees, going gradually northwards in the body until it reaches the heart, depending on what way north is. If one holds a magnet next to the worm, it tries to get there, and naturally, if the person's feet are north, it heads for the left pinky toe. Wherever it goes, it burrows into the first organ it sees after an interval of three organs. It is extremely annoying if the frightened pain in the ass burrows into the heart, causing instant death. Paraskevi can be sliced into bits, but each little bit flips out in its tiny way once separated. If you laser its tail, it turns into solid gold, and being the greedy guy you are, you try and cut a piece off. But that makes it flip out even more.
Death Incarnate, Savato- Yeah, that's right, its DEATH (and Saturday). It's a spider thing that spins webs that can melt your scalpel, spawns babies, that turned into blue things, and to top it all up, make lacerations. And its fucking fast too! For whatever reason, it always goes to the heart and kills you slowly, painfully, and looks cool while doing it(it's on fire). So why isn't this thing called "Arrow to the Heart"? I mean, this thing locates the heart a fuck of a lot better than that magnetic worm called a German name.
[edit] Storyline
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that everyone but Horatio dies, and Fortinbras takes over, "To Serve Man" is a cookbook, Ocelot works for the Patriots, the *real* final boss isn't this guy, it's the Ur-Grue, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
There are too many chapters full of plot development dialogue, but the creator of this article cannot be arsed to replay his copy of the game and find out what happens on every level, so you will have to tolerate his laziness until some other editor comes along and decides to do something.
[edit] Act 1: Lazy Dr. Diles
Chapter 1.1- Standard Procedure
Some stoner rode his motorcycle just after getting stoned. He crashes through a window, and his arm is fucked up and filled with glass. Fuck up his arm even more, but just be sure to take out the glass shards.
Chapter 1.2- Standard Procedure 2
This patient swallowed a rock, and it is now embedded in his stomach. Remove the rock, but if you want, also remove all the food in this unfortunate fucker's gut so he wakes up hungry and can't do shit about it.
Chapter 1.3-A Farewell
This patient's pancreas got defibrillatored, and is now full of blood sausage and rocks. There's so much shit in there, instead of repairing his kidneys, operate like a lazy bastard and simply cut out the screwed organ. He's unhappy at you for removing his pancreas? Teaches him to go to a hospital where everyone is a lazy asshole! The really ugly nurse you get (before Angry) leaves.
Chapter 1.4- Singing the Blues
Angry arrives at the hospital completely nude, explaining that she had to resusicate a person who had a heart attack.
On to the operation...
The lead singer of an aspiring emo band eats too many skittles, and they all get stuck in his throat. He thinks the blood he's coughing up is "Just an alternative to wrist-cutting, except I don't have to do anything at all!" Later, his fellow band members who are rising in the ranks of Social Society, become worried for the lead singer who cannot sing right because he's coughing up blood, and he has about 50 skittles embedded in his throat. So, you slit his throat and lazer light saber the skittles to death...without giving anaesthesia.
The singer later says that he requested that he should not receive anaesthesia.
Chapter 1.5-A Real Doctor
A man who's intestines are filled with shit stones comes to get them removed. You actually perform the operation correctly, but Angry goes crazy with boredom and goes Beserk, wacking off the patient's willy, raping your mom, shoots the penis-less patient in the back with a rifle, molests you, blows up the Second Death Star, sticks seven pencils up her ass and kills a Frenchman before falling unconscious. You shrug, and go off to a birthday party. When you return, the authorities are waiting for you at the scene of insanity and destruction, and it turns out Angry has blamed everything on you. What a bitch.
Chapter 1.6-Life or Death
This guy was in a car crash between a Mexican SUV and a tank. Diles needs to recover the guy's pulse. You go to the heart, were there are lots of potato chips (This guy was eating potato chips while driving a Mexican car?). After you take them out, you see a really big potato chip pop out of his heart. The chip is almost as big as the heart. After you take it out, Angry drops a scalpel, and cuts the heart in half. then, Healing Touch activates by itself, and you have to suture it like crazy.
[edit] Act 2: Healing Touch
Chapter 2.1-Dormant Ability
This person has not been able to poo for a day. Why? There are Giant pieces of shit blocking the way. You pinch the poo, cut over it, and take it out. After taking out 50 pieces, you find out this guy ate several burritos before the surgery. A truckload of shit comes out when the Healing Touch turns on. Take them out! You lazy-ass doctor!
Chapter 2.2-Striving for Asclepius
You need to learn the Killing Healing Touch. You trace a star five times to make a "Bladder" pee. It is not hard. Com'on, who can't draw a star?
Chapter 2.3-Awakening
Ouch. This guy has nano bombs on some blood vessles. If you let one asplode, vitals drop.To take it out, you put liquid poop into it, and cut it out First, you see one. You take lots out until five show up. You take them out before he dies. After using the Healing touch, Diles passes out.
Chapter 2.4-Just Let Me Die
Your operating on a teenage emo chick. A suicidal one. You don't know that yet. You see some larcerations. Fix them you fat loser! After the Operation, you rape talk to her, and now she doesn't want to die. Also, her lung hurts. Uh Oh.
Chapter 2.5-Please Let Me Live
WTF!? These look like the exact same lacerations as before! Fix them. Again. Yes, again. Put in some Mountain Dew while your at it.
GIANT WTF!!!!
A stingray thingy, or a Kyriaki comes up. Yup, that's a Kyriaki. You kill it. More GUILT. You. Kill. Now. You kill all the small ones.
ULTRA WTF!!!!
An asterisk (*) appears. Ultrasound and find a MOTHERFUCKING KYRIAKI ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING LUNG! Laser it, it burrows. Laser, rinse, repeat. Looks like their gone. OK, next operation.
Chapter 2.6-For Everyone's Sake
Looks like another suicidal girl. She ate a swiss army knife, which broke and the blade cut a heart valve. After you cut her up, she flat lines. Angie does that "3, 2, 1, CLEAR!" thing. You take the broken valve, and replace it with another, fake one. The patient's mother, gets mad cause her daughter flat lined, and also attacks you and Angie. Fortunately, Legs Kasal swoops in and kills her with a flaming pimpslap.
[edit] Act 3: Caduceus
Chapter 3.1-GUILT
After joining Caduceus, you operate on a hobo who has Kyriaki, and has no family. You fix his larcerations, and kill the 20 infant GUILT. Your surprised that there are no adult Kyriaki, ultrasound, and find two dead, with a mini computer with Wikipedia on the screen. Diles leaves to edit Uncyclopedia, and Angry fixes the patient's organ, and closes him up. He dies anyway, but even the police don't care.
Chapter 3.2-Something Precious
Looks like Tyler is sucking up to you. He wants you to save his sister, infected with Deftera. You go to some organ, and find some mini tumours. After burning them away, the GUILT show up. You drain them away, burning away tumors. Looks like Deftera had babies, there are two pairs of Deftera. You drain both pairs, and save her. After that, an eight year old girl (Tyler's Sister) wants to have sex with you. You take the offer.
Chapter 3.3-An Explosive Patient
You and Kibble Myers go to this presentation thingy on GUILT, when Wolphin sets you up the bomb. Cats appears and says, "How are you gentlemen?" Kibble gets offended by this. Cats realises his mistake and says, "And transsexuals." Kibble's head asplodes, and you find out SHE WAS BORN A WOMAN! "You say "Its you!", despite not knowing him from adam. He says "ALL YOUR POWERPOINTS ARE BELONG TO US. Here are one bomb to cut up with your surgial-knife." This is when Kibble's Headless Body finds the bomb, and you chop it to pieces with an axe, a scalpel, and a shotgun. Does that really count as a surgical operation?
Chapter 3.4-Caduceus on a Plane (Or, if you're a faggot, Miracle at 2 feet)
You and Angry have to fly to Africa. Some guy has petroleum in his heart. Samuel Jackson walks up in the middle of the pathway and yells in a charismatic voice, "I'm tired of these motherfucking doctors on this motherfucking plane!" horny Caduceus doctors then suddenly emerge from every section of the plane and drink all the Dr. Pepper, rip some dude's dick off, and rape a couple of teens having sex. You and Angry are unaffected, being Faguceans yourselves, and proceed to watch an in-flight movie for the rest of the eight hours while the dude with petroleum in his lungs is slowly raped by Lesbi.
Chapter 3.5 -Pandora's Box
African kid has the pain-in-the-ass GUILT Triti, and you've got to open him up. Enjoy being stuck in Africa forever unless you've got a fucking guide, asshole.
[edit] Sequel
OMFG there's a sequel? Oh, but let me guess, GUILT pops up again and you have to operate on thousands of useless people while Angry yells at you, not to mention that the emo girl that you operated in Under the Knife and Second Opinion is back. A random guy from Cost-a-lot-tiger land by the name of A Dell Tuba comes in and kills Sterek with the Healing Touch in the end. There are several new types of GUILT in Trauma Center as well...D=
Nous: A french GUILT, which sounds disturbingly similar to Wii. Sige: Triti-ripoff. Goes crazy and farts in your screen, in which you have to kiss up with your DS and blow into the hole in order to make the fart go away and watch Triti-I mean Sige, go crazy and ricochet around the screen. Aletheia: aka Alethikyrianoupemptibythosia A cute eyeball which summons GUILT to perform a RADIAL DANCE OF DOOM, in which you cannot do anything but watch it kill the patient. You have to sever the red vein thingy in order to kill it.
