Tribble
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“That's it! I've had it with these motherfucking Tribbles on this motherfucking ship! We're about to open some fucking windows.”
~ Captain James T. Kirk on the inference that Tribbles' asexual reproduction is Oedipal in nature
“OH MY GOD! IT'S EVERYWHERE!!! OH MY GOD IT'S ALL OVER THE WALLS TOO!”
~ Tribble owner on Tribbles with diarrhea
“Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!”
~ Klingons on Tribbles (Rough translation: "Tribbles deserve our greatest contempt.")
“Mewl mewl purrrrrr...”
~ Tribbles on Klingons (Rough Translation: "You Fuckin' Klingons will soon be EXTINCT!")
The Tribble is widely regarded to be the most terrifying creature in the known galaxy, second perhaps only to bears. They live only to consume and reproduce, which they are better at than rabbits and Xenomorphs. Tribbles are notorious for eating just about anything standing in front of them, and have largely been able to, since they have an advantage in sheer numbers. They will occasionally spare the odd human or Vulcan, but they absolutely hate Klingons. Some would say that the only thing a Klingon fears is a Tribble, although Klingons will decapitate anyone who says this within earshot of them. NO! NO! STAY BACK!!!! AAAAAAA!
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[edit] Habitat of Tribbles
Tribbles, though originally from some planet called Iota Geminorum IV, can live just about everywhere, even the cold vacuum of space. They are especially fond of living on star ships, airplanes, and in Captain Kirk's sock drawer. Some might say they only reproduce when conditions are favorable, but this is a lie, and these people obviously trust Tribbles way too much. Just about any condition is favorable for a Tribble to reproduce in, thus taking one Tribble anywhere is damning everyone within a 10-mile radius.
[edit] Mating Habits of Tribbles
Tribbles are born pregnant, making Tribbles to be either A) capable of asexual reproduction, B) the only known species to have all the members of said species to be immaculately conceived, or C) incapable of being virgins. Because they do not defecate or urinate, their waste takes the form of giving birth to another Tribble. And since they have the ability to eat everything, keeping them from reproducing is nearly impossible. It is said that once you introduce a Tribble into an ecosystem, you are bringing forth the Apocalypse. A furry, purring, hungry Apocalypse, no less.
[edit] Klingons and Tribbles: The Eternal Struggle
The mutual hatred between Klingons and Tribbles is intense to the point of making one's head a splode. Nothing seems to send the Tribble into a blinding, seething hatred more than setting their sights on a Klingon. Tribbles have in fact been known to swarm over a single Klingon, and tear all the meat off of his bones in mere minutes, not unlike piranhas on a cow.
Klingons are adamant to even admitting that Tribbles could be capable of such carnage, but when presented with one, a Klingon will either attempt to jump out the nearest window or shoot himself with his phaser. Any Klingon seen cowering against any Tribble is mercifully shot.
[edit] What To Do in Case of Tribbles
- Stop what you are doing.
- Set phasers on "stun."
- Shoot at Tribbles.
- Call for help from Starfleet.
- Put head between knees.
- Kiss your ass good-bye.
- If all else fails, you should try to beam them to a nearby Klingon ship (they are never too far away), where they will be no tribble at all.
If you are a Klingon:
- Stop what you are doing.
- Set phasers on "kill."
- Aim for your own head and pull trigger
- If phaser is out of battery again, quickly jump out the nearest window
[edit] How to Tell if a Tribble is Alive or Dead
- Check for movement: dead tribbles do not often move.
- Check to see if Tribble is breathing: dead tribbles do not breathe, but it might be holding its breath to trap you.
- Scan Tribble with medical scanner: DO SO WITH EXTREME CAUTION.
- Poke Tribble with a stick.
- Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!
