Hubert Horatio Humphrey

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This article is about the 38th Vice President of the U.S. You might have been looking for the professional wrestler Penal H, but you are actually looking for dickface.

“The greatest 38th Vice President this nation has ever had!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Triple H

“Good God! He may have just broken that bill in half! Can anyone stop his filibuster?!”

~ J.R. on Triple H

“Oh come now he didn't hit Spiro Agnew with a foreign object? I'm almost certain that it was made in America.”

~ Bob Costas on Triple H hitting LBJ with a steel chair

“He is the King of Kings regardless of what Jesus wants you to believe!”

~ Ric Flair on Triple H

A candid photo of Triple H in his youth.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hubert Horatio Humphrey.

Hubert Horatio Humphrey or hungry, hungry, hippo or hippy the hardcore hamill or Happy Harry Hardon or Heroin Headed Horse's-Arse better known as Triple H' was the 38th Vice President of the United States. He served under Lyndon B. Johnson better known as LBJ or JBL. During his reign as Vice President, Triple H would be known as one of the most openly viscous politicians ever. He is also well known for his professional wrestling career which lasted from 1948-2056 in which he claimed 9,000,000,002 World Heavyweight Titles.

[edit] Early Life

Born in a small town in Minnesota Hubert spent the majority of his early life training to become a boxer. This career choice was inspired by the infamous boxer rebellion of China. Hubert was training with Rocky Balboa until Rocky left him to pursue the filming of Rocky 17: Fight for Middle Earth. Hubert was left all alone with no trainer and was forced to train himself. This was done by beating up little kids and then stealing they're lunch money. This skill to beat people to a bloody pulp was noticed by several minor league wrestlers in the Minneapolis area and thus Hubert was sent to train and wrestle with the Twin City Wrestling Association (TCWA). His father was of the female species and hismother was a piece of chicken noodle.

[edit] Years in the TCWA

Hubert started off as a jobber his job was to lose matches against other high profile wrestlers who needed a boost in popularity. However after having been forced to lose eight straight matches Hubert broke a deal he had struck with a writer and pinned his opponent Marvin Kline. The writers for the show finally stopped asking Hubert to throw matches and thus Hubert went on an undefeated streak in the TCWA eventually winning the television title from Scott Chadwick. Not a single person on the TCWA roster could beat Hubert and thus Hubert demanded a trade to the WWE where he could face more prestigious opponents. In June of 1960 he vacated the television title and left Minnesota for the WWE.

Triple H's solution to all his problems, SUCK IT!

[edit] WWE 1948-1963

Hubert appeared in the WWE under his middle name Horatio there he quickly got on a roll only losing a few matches and even pinning such iconic superstars of the time like Richard Nixon. Hubert then created the wrestling stable Degeneration-W a radical stable which promoted equality and fairness for all races and ethnic groups along with Lyndon B. Johnson, JFK, Bobby Kennedy and Rev. Martin Luther King. The stable was the dominant force in the WWE for around one year, that was until current General Manager Nikita Khrushchev forced the stable to break up. Then in 1963 Hubert found more trouble after he became the number one contender for the United States Championship Hubert would have to defeat the legendary Joseph H. Ball in a steel cage match. At the Pay-Per-View Joseph fought hard but Hubert was able to break Joseph's legs when he tossed Joseph's right leg into the cage walls. After that Hubert applied his Select Committee on Disarmament submission hold and Joseph tapped out like a little pussy. A month after the title was won Hubert took a surprising heel turn and began to use foreign objects while the referee was down to win matches. In a controversial interview segment on a live taping December 5th, 1965 before a match with Mike Mansfield Hubert said to audience members

Mansfield is whipped and tonight in my Senate Majority Whip Match I'm going to make him my bitch!

This shocked audience members as young children were exposed to the harsh BDSM jargon and Hubert was put on suspension with no pay for four months however this was done after he won the match and he did indeed made Mansfield his bitch.

Hubert used his sledgehammer to take out any potential opponents during the primaries, he also used it on himself (that's why he' bleeding), the dumb fool.

[edit] WWE 1964-1967

Hubert returned again as a heel now he had established an infamous foreign object to use when he wanted to cheat. This was a sledgehammer. The weapon had already injured superstars Marvin Kline and Eugene McCarthy. He also had dawned a new name instead of Horatio now calling himself Triple H. As Triple H Hubert won the Intercontinental Title ten times and the United States championship three. He also won the Tag Team Championships with partner Lyndon B. Johnson. The Tag Team reign lasted for six months but Hubert turned on Lyndon in the middle of a match for the title for $15,000 dollars (offered by Walter Mondale) and thus the tag team broke up. This path of destruction continued with Hubert often being jeered by fans except in his home town of Minneapolis in which he won the hardcore title which he only held for two weeks.

[edit] WWE 1968-2056

Triple H would go on to wrestle from 1968-2056. He played a big part in the Monday Night Wars from 1997-2001 in which 18 million people were killed. During that time period he won 5 WWE championships. Then in 2001, he married Vince's daughter, Stephanie McMahon . From there on out he would pretty much get whatever the hell he wanted. He would go on to collect over 9,999,999,999 World Heavyweight Championship Titles (effectivly surpassing Ric Flair's record of 17 world titles). He would have many exciting fueds against The Wu Tang Clan , RVD , Chris Jericho , Scott Steiner , Kevin Nash (okay maybe this feud wasn't that exciting...ah who am I kidding, it sucked ass) , Gendo Ikari, Bill Goldberg , Darth Vader , Shang Tsung , Albert Wesker , Vin Diesel , The Geico Gecko, Chuck Norris, and many other unforgettable opponents. His evil reign would last to 2056 (which up to that point, TNA still couldn't beat the WWE in the ratings due to Triple H being the most entertaining champion of all time). At Wrestlemania XXX Triple H fought in 3 Fatal 8 way Elimination Chamber matches in which he defeated 24 of the company's best wrestlers and effectivly bring his championship reigns to 9,000,000,002 (he fought in 3 matches because after the first two he was stripped of the belt and forced to fight for the belt again, which H did with no problem). Then when all seemed lost, Chuck Norris (whom had won the Money In The Bank Ladder match earlier in the show) showed up and announced he was cashing in his Money In The Bank breifcase to challenge for the belt. In an epic battle, Chuck Norris finally defeated Triple H and won the World Heavyweight Championship belt. Following the match, Triple H began to emit smoke and vibrate wildly, and turned many different colors. Then a few seconds later, he turned into stone and exploded (much like Chuck Norris's longtime nemesis little bo peep did before him). After that Triple H's soul went into another dimension, ashamed by his defeat at Chuck Norris's hands. William Regal, King of the 300th dimension, has spent the last 90 years insisting that Triple H's real name is "Triple Haitch." No proof of this exists, and it's highly unlikely that anyone will come up with any.

[edit] Present Day

Triple H currently resides in another dimension, where he is training with King Kai on his circular planet. Triple H currently is plotting his return to planet earth in which he plans to return to the WWE and reclaim the World Heavyweight Championship (or as he loves to call it his "precious"). He awaits Vince McMahon or any other remaining members of the McMahon family to use the dragonballs to wish him back. In Minneapolis there is a museum dedicated in his honor. Hubert's sledgehammer is tastefully displayed near the entrance in a glass case. MotorHead occasionally plays shows in the museum. In the back there is a statue of him made entirely of gold at his sides stands two pillars that list the names of all the wrestlers he held down over the years in his professional wrestling career. Triple H made his return at Summerslam 5000000000000 and defeated that snobby King RatHead to reclaim his World Heavyweight Championship, then he would have 2 more 400 year reigns of WWE Championship, not getting he bores everyone and should (not)go back to music.

[edit] Signature/Finishing Moves and Accomplishments

• The Pedigree
  

  

  The usual ending of all of Triple H's recorded matches, him winning.
• Kick To The Groin
• Hammer Of Thor!
• Promo Of Doom
• Select Committee on Disarmament (Submission Hold)
• Silent Spring (Top of turnbuckle DDT)
• Filibuster (Running leg drop.)
• 9,000,000,000,003 Time World Heavyweight Champion
• 7 Time WWE Champion
• 5 Time World Political Champion
• 2 Time World Tag Team Champion
• 2 Time Hardcore Champion
• 3 United States Champion
• 10 Time Intercontinental Champion
• 1 Time TWCA Television Title Champion
• PWE Foundation and Magazine Rated #1 Most Overratted Wrestler of 1967-68
• PWE Foundation and Magazine Rated #1 Most Overratted Wrestler of 1970-87
• PWE Foundation and Magazine Rated #1 Most Boring and Overratted Wrestler of 1987-present
• Blowing The The Heart Broke Joke HBGay... he Sucked it good

[edit] Trivia

• Pro-Political Wrestling Entertainment Foundation named Hubert #300 wrestler then; #125, #72, #60, #41, #25, #9, and then finally in his final year as a wrestler #2.
• Once has briefly considered for Babara Walter's Top Ten Most Fascinating people list. I cannot stress the briefly part enough.
• Had guest appearance on the popular show 24 as a politician bribing his way to the top.
• Did a commercial for Viagra in his later years, this made millions of Americans uncomfortable.
• Was voted into People's Magazine as the 47th sexiest man alive in 1965.
• Been crippled a record 27 times by Koko B. Ware. His leg fell off on several occasions.
• Member of CV de Wrestlers.
• Briefly dated Katie Vick.
• Had been cloned. His clone is named "Lance".
• Triple H IS nicknamed "The Game" This is because he is a loser. Who thinks by calling himself The Game he wins the game However due to somthing in the real world called Rules this means he loses the Game and all Wrestling fans lose the game too, the Winner of The Game will be Whoever can kill "The Game".
• Triple H is the greatest wrestler of all time due to the fact that his wife is the head writer
• Triple H has (To Gain Popularity with little kids) Buried over 2,983,919,12 wrestlers in under 1 day
• Triple H gave Vince McMahon Anal To hold the WWE Championship for over 10 million years

[edit] See also

• Lyndon B. Johnson
• President
• Minnesota
• Hammer
• MC Hammer
• Politics
• Richard Nixon
• Randy Orton
• Walter Mondale
• Robert Bork

This article was mentioned in Digg, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here