Condom
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THIS ARTICLE A SPLODE.
How else are they going to find it?
“*Cough cough* What's this thing in my throat? ”
~ Paris Hilton on condoms
“Yeah, I'm pretty much against that. I guess.”
~ Jesus on Abstinence Plus Education
“Sex before marriage is okay. I'm Brad Pitt, and I approve this message.”
~ Brad Pitt on the USA
“WHY THE HELL DO YOU BRING ME HERE?”
~ Eunuch on Condoms
“Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.”
~ Van Wilder on VD
“In Soviet Russia, Condom wear YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on wearing condoms
“I pity the fools who don't wear condoms!”
~ MR T on condoms
“What's That?”
~ Britney Spears on condoms
“OOOOOOOOOH! You said condom!!!”
~ A Nerd on condoms
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Condoms were created by Satan and his third son adam sandler as a cheap way to avoid buying Baloons. They were used as a style of Balloons but it has many uses now. It can be a hat, a Latex friend (If you have a permanent Marker), cheap lubed gloves, and even a form of currency. Satan's Daughter, Wilma Flinstone, created the birth control pill. The original pill can be found at the smithsonian museum, weighting at 5.2 pounds, and as big as your fist. His first child (Mr. T) created abstinence, a method of keeping people from having sex by telling stories about how if you touch other people, your Penis will fall off and land in another dimension where dogs will eat it. This story has been confirmed on a recent episode of Family Guy aswell. He also Created the dreaded vasectomy, (Vuh Sec'tem Ee), Latin for Chopping off your nuts. His fourth child(Princess Diana)created the diaphragm. Unfortuneately, an angel hijacked her limo and drove into a brick wall. If all of there human extermination devices are used at once, simultaniously, then you are banished to another world entirely of Fat Chicks (Fh-at Chix), a Species of Elephant that gather together and crave the sexual amusement of men. They also have a tenancy to eat, so if you come across one, be sure NOT to have any food with you.
[edit] Types of Condoms
The barrier method of contraception, known as a condom, is a watertight sheath for covering the penis, lower half, or entire body during sexual intercourse. It's name is derived from the town of its modern origin, Condominium, on southern tip of France with the french people, where latex technology was first developed in the mid 16th century.
[edit] Why use condoms?
- Many people use condoms to reduce the overall enjoyment of sexual intercourse for them and their partner.
- If you don't the world be infested with them younguns!
- Or "cum in ur bum"
- Also, saving said condom after use and tying a knot at the opening, you may choose to cryo-freeze the specimen for later "consumption".
- Trojan brand Twisted Pleasure condoms can in fact be used to secure screws into most types of wood or drywall.
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[edit] Condoms and Children
From the age of 2-10 children have been educated in the proper use of condoms. By the time they reach 11-17 they forget everything they have learned and chose not to use condoms and must be educated again.
Children love Mr. Condom. Parents hire him for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, and even Baby showers (Ironic huh?). Parents love Mr. Condom because he is a great role model to children, and he encourages children to stay in school.
[edit] Wooden Condoms
Until the invention of latex, all condoms were made out of wood and were known as "good, stiff woodies." This undoubtedly caused many complaints, such as lawsuits of splintered penises. Many experts believe that the early use of wooden condoms gave rise to the modern myth that women do not enjoy sex. But it has been a recent discovery that they do enjoy sex, they just use this excuse as a ploy to make men want to have sex with them more. Don't use a rubber band and clingfilm because it will just split.
In Chatholic Church sex-ed, wooden condoms are given to young horny boys to teach them to "slow down," or risk that the friction from the intense love making could cause the wooden condom to combust, burning genitalia of both lovers and possible the whole town down.
[edit] The DIY Condom
If you're in a rush or in the middle of the Antarctic then you can make your own condom with a roll of clingfilm and an elastic band. By wrapping the penis with clingfilm along with using the elastic band to hold it throughout sex it will do the same job as a latex condom. Dr. Jerk Meeoff believes that this method could even be better than the real thing, "Research has identified this as a very effective contraceptive method". Many pregnant spotty teenagers disagree.
[edit] The Old Condom
A condom may also be a building or outhouse in which units of property, such as apartments, are owned by individuals and common the naughty parts of the property, such as the toilets and floorboards, are owned jointly by the unit owners.
The first condom building was designed by Jean Claude Condom (pronounced Shaun Clod Con Damme).
Many condom buildings are designed to protect their residents from the hazards of the outside world, especially rain. Condoms are offered in many designs ranging from simple models, which perform their duty with little fanfare; other models with lubricated exteriors built to slip through the elements with ease; or complex models with ridges and chemical treatments which directly stimulate their environments to a more desirable state. Regardless of their features, however, all condoms are disposable, usually used only once before being discarded. While this seems like an unnecessary and wasteful expense, its effectiveness cannot be disputed.
There is often a high density of occupants in such a building, and the walls are often poorly constructed. This can lead to them bursting in especially hot weather. Condoms can also fail, resulting in buildings that look quite similar, but are smaller.
To avoid structural loss of integrity:
- Never carry condoms in your wallet or stuff them into your glove-box
- Always use rubber cement to hold the condom in place and prevent slippage
- Wash with only mild soap and water (or natural fluids - including, but not limited to, semen, hymen juice, saliva)
- Avoid "natural" condoms constructed with intestinal walls, or you'll be committing sodomy, bestiality and necrophilia!
- Feel free to share your condoms with your friends. You can use it one way, then turn it inside out and use it the other way, then you have to wash it.
- It's always a good idea to poke holes in condoms with a pin to allow for air flow. Nobody wants a sweaty weener.
Since condoms are a serious way of protecting yourself from diseases, there is nothing funny to say about them -- except to say that if you stuffed one with walnuts it would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[edit] Exotic Rubber Instruments
There has been an absurd uprising amount of young females bringing home new "rubbers" for their man. A few examples are "the french tickler" and "a black mamba", which the Fijitalian government have made accessible in your local 5 dollar store next to the marmalade and tinfoil.
Never use it! Never shove it up your ass, as it's been cursed by George W Bush, now steel prongs spring out of both ends...Some say it's painful as fuck, others say "It increases pleasure".
[edit] Metal Condom
Used for a brief while in post-WWII Germany, they were later removed from production due to media rumours that, "Metal in your vagina is as good as a straight Tom Cruise". After this, sales dropped considerably.
[edit] Barbed Wire Condom
Exactly what it says. Whilst this method of contraception hurts like fuck, it is 100% effective and captures all semen. There is, unfortunately a 50% chance that the woman's innards will come out too, including the vaigna and at least one fallopian tube. One case reported the liver of a man being on the end of another man's dick after an act of sodomy using a barbed wire condom however the manafacturer, barcon, disputed this claim.
[edit] Famous Quotes
“I should've worn one...”
~ Your Dad on condoms
“I should've made him wear one...”
~ Your Mom on condoms
“Condoms are Double Plus Ungood ”
~ The Pope on condoms
“The only thing worse than wearing a condom is not wearing a condom. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on condoms
“Condoms- they're not just for sailors anymore!”
~ Austin Powers on Condoms
“This pepperami packet is too big!”
~ Gene Simmons on Condoms
“Mine Broke ”
~ Your future dad on Condoms
