Trombone

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

WARNING: The author of this article has a large cock! Please do not approach from the front.

A stereotypical trombone innuendo. Very similar in practice to Islamic prayer practices: there must be a set number of innuendos made per day regarding the trombone, or else. Bitches.

“In Soviet Russia, trombone plays you!”

~ Russian Reversal on Trombones

“Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.”

~ Richard Wagner on Trombones

“I must admit, trombones make me very uncomfortable.”

~ Sigmund Freud on Trombones

“I hear they do it in seven positions!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Trombones

“Wow, they must be total badasses.”

~ Everyone on Trombones

“Now that's brass!”

~ Cptn. Obvious on Trombones

“Timmy can you lube my bone”

~ Darren the Petifile on Trombones

“Its Clean, my trombone that is”

~ Dustin "conebred" Rsomthing on Trombones

Somewhere deep in the fires of Mount Dooma sinister instrument of badassery and awesome was being forged. This instrument was simultaneously to become the world's most feared weapon and most desired sexual companion, being infused with pure essence of "balls." Few knew of the destructive power this device truly contained. Many names were considered for this instrument, "God," "Testosterone Bacon Shit," and "Pure Fuck," among them. Finally, however, it was decided that it would be called the "Trompwn." Later, when the mighty, unconquerable "white" race came along and discovered it, its name was bastardized to the only-slightly-less-awesome "Trombone."

1 The Trombone's Calling in Life
2 Trombone Players (and Sections)
3 A Description of a Typical Trombonist
4 Things Trombones Do To Show Their Awesomenicity
5 Things That are 100% True About All Trombones
6 The Trombone Handshake
- 6.1 See Also

[edit] The Trombone's Calling in Life

The Trombone has one calling in life: to blast louder and more better-er than every other instrument in the ensemble, including the "suck-asses", known to some as "trumpets". Few trombones can achieve such perfection, however, because the sheer awesomeness is so awesome that their heads Asplode. The trombone's deafening "Loud Sonofabitch" (pedal tone) is undefeatable, and there is currently no known way to defend against it, except by dying.

[edit] Trombone Players (and Sections)

The trombone is a key element in everything, usually being the most useful, powerful, and kickass instrument. You can't spell band without trombone.

As a trombone, it is absolutely necessary to make at least one sexual innuendo every ten minutes during rehearsal. If this fails to happen, the world will--most certainly-- fall into sheer and utter chaos. Some of the more common jokes are:

FUCK!
Hey guys, wanna bet on how many mouthpieces I can fit inside this trumpet player's anus before I get arrested?
Don't forget to lube your bone!
We do it in 7 positions!
Wanna blow my bone?
Hey trumpets, you guys suck ass!
Something else funny!
I have a huge boner!
I have a freakishly large penis!
I Like your boner! (To other trombonists)
I like cake (or pie)!
Im going to stick my bone in your hole !(To tuba players)
THE GAME!!!!!??????!!?!?!?!?!!!!?!??!

[edit] A Description of a Typical Trombonist

Typical badass jazz trombonist Buddy Dwyer's mindblowing final performance.

Girls: Generally are not relevant to a true section of trombones. Primarily, this is because they have a "vagina," and thus lack "balls," a key component of trombone assembly. However, there are, in fact, a small number of female trombonists who are known to possess the much sought after "metaphorical band balls". These mystical testicles bestow upon their owners extreme powers of badassery and awesomess, and any female trombonist who happens to have them is generally viewed as a goddess (both musically and sexually). In general, though, female trombonists are few and far between. Almost as few and far between as their genuine (i.e., not via proxy) sexual encounters.

Boys:They are usually quick witted comedians that pull all the right jokes, at all the right times. They are almost as awesome as Winston "Badass" Churchill in bed. They are also awesomely loud talkers, and the

A glimpse of the first trombone, forged deep in the fires of Mount Doom. Do not confuse this with Excalibur. That is the black magma of Mount Doom, and the hand wielding the Holy Bone is assumed to be that of the long extinct Bonum Badassus breed of super-human. After giving the blessed trombone to the world, they mysteriously disappeared.

band directors harbor an instinctual jealousy of them and their sexual prowess. There is usually one trombonist in the section who think's he is Jesus's reincarnation, and never seems to stop kicking ass. When not playing the instrument, they can usually be found bedding Jessica Alba, kicking ass, throwing rocks at old people, kicking ass, putting KY Jelly or IcyHot in other people's mouthpieces, kicking ass, or reading in their personal studies on the origins of testosterone, phallic symbols in everyday life, and the proper techniques for kicking ass.

Trombonist Classifications

There are five general classifications of trombonists. They are as follows:

1. The Leader: This person, whether in first or eighteenth chair, knows everything and tries to diplomatically tell the other players what to do, but usually fails.

2. The One Who Should Have Been an Aborti... er... Drummer: A guy with a huge ego (though unaccompanied by a matching penis), who can't really play but blows chunks to fake it and is always in desperate need for attention. He makes loud, inappropriate and non-humorous comments at regular intervals. The rest of the group usually pities his struggle for identity or flat-out hates him. But this person is still a trombone, and better than you

3. Neutral: One is required in any group. They know exactly what to say and when, and many times know more than the leader but know when to keep their mouths shut.

4. Clint Eastwood: God of trombones; there can be only one trombone in any band that he's in.

5. The Petifile: Makes manny a boner joke, but is often caught starring at shorter band members and "accidentaly" grabbing their balls.

[edit] Things Trombones Do To Show Their Awesomenicity

Devise songs such as the F-A-G song, which consists of playing the notes F-A-G in a series of rhythms to piss off the good sportsmanship league. When five trombones are present, the trombone "one finger wave" must be assumed.

Kick lots of ass out of spite, because they haven't gotten action within the last twenty seconds.

Rape others with their trombones by sticking the slides in the asses of anyone lucky enough to be in front of them.

Potentially kill off an entire ensemble. The Trombone's slide is actually a WMD. Those who have any intelligence whatsoever avoid these at all costs, and most other band members end up with huge bumps on their heads and/or genitalia.

Do not finger notes, only genitals.

Lubricate their slides in a matter of seconds, using mind bullets (that's telekinesis, Kyle).

[edit] Things That are 100% True About All Trombones

If a Trombone Player pulls off the slide completely , two Lightsabers will emerge.

The seventh position is rarely used, due to its high probability of causing the world to asplode.

Even if The Trombone is in it's case, A Trombone player still has use for it. It can be used as a bazooka, battering ram, or blatant phallic symbol.

Even if you seriously suck at playing, louder is better to the point where the audience members look like their eyes are screaming.

If you don't pay attention to what you're doing, it sounds better to make absolute crap up than to fake being as good as the rest of the band in silence.

Trombones are proficient in over 137 martial arts, including, but not limited to, UberKilling. whether such knowledge is a prerequisite for becoming a trombone or is a result from overexposure to too much pure badassedness is, as of yet, unknown.

If a rehearsal is paused and it's your fault, it is your duty to blame some other, far lesser (they all are) section for the pause.

Your mistakes are always the fault of the percussion section sucking, or the trumpets sucking, or the french horns sucking, or the oboes sucking, or the directors sucking, or the baritones sucking, or the flutes sucking, or the saxophones sucking, or the xylophones sucking, or the tambourines sucking, or the cowbells sucking, or the trap sets sucking, or the violins sucking hard, or the pianos sucking, or the flags sucking, or the triangles sucking, or the temporary vocalists (filling in for the regular vocalists) sucking, or the bassoons sucking, or the timpani sucking, the tubas jacking off, or the clarinets squawking.

Not dancing while you play is punishable by either death or being demoted to the clarinet.

Making excessive "Your mom" or "that's what she said" jokes is also punishable by death or demotion to the rank of "band director."

[edit] The Trombone Handshake

All Trombones are required to perform the "balls" trombone handshake (U.S. Patent No. 5,507,334) on a regular basis. To perform this hallowed greeting, a trombone of lesser rank must approach a trombone of higher rank and initiate by saying "Hey ________, pass the balls!" The superior trombone must then extend his half-cupped fist, knuckles down, back of hand forward (representing dangling testicles), and loudly ejaculate "BALLS!" as the inferior trombone, palm up, performs a tickling/fondling motion on his superior's symbolic balls. This asserts both the players' masculinity and trombone ownership.