Pants
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“This article is Pants”
~ An Uncyclopedia article critic
“Ooooooooo yeah motha fucka!”
~ Koolaid Guy
Pants, the plural ancestor of the "Pant" were invented in 1904 by Koolaid guy. He was a giant pitcher of punch that would bust into your home and yell "OOOOOOOOO YEAH MOTHA FUCKA". Pants were created to cover both legs as opposed to the previous creation which left one leg bare and the constant need to switch which leg your pant was on. Sometime people would cut them in half horizontally and call them shorts. Even then you could take them off and eat them. So of course the logical jump to wearing two at a time was made, but obviously this wasn't a very good system because getting dressed to where you can legally leave your home, would then take twice as long. And If any of you were wondering about pairs of underwear, well those too were made for only one leg and sometimes the hair off the butt of a fat man. So the invention of the pants was the next step, but it was a long process to get the FDA to legalize them.
[edit] The Downside to Pants
Sometimes pants would get in the way of everything people were doing. See, back in the day, pants only were held up by suspenders and it was a bitch to get them on because they only made one size pair of pants. They were always getting in the way of people's shits. The Koolaid Guy finally decided to cut a hole in the area where the ass hole was so people could poop with ease but as we all know, nobody wanted to see each others ass hole and poop stains were left on the pants when they missed, so they placed a button fly in the front. It later turned into a zipper and then a zip and seal like the ones Glade makes. Pants are also oblivious to wear at times. They will catch on fire and your asshole will become the size of a gopher. I like pants.
[edit] The Pleated history of Pants
The concept of pants was conceived in the early 14th Century by the Spanish Baron, Ronaldo Del Casa Moopantes IV. After putting down the bloody uprising known only as the 17 Nights of Squid, the Baron became obsessed with maintaining control of the populace and many other fancy monkeyshines. The end result of his obsession were the terror we now know as pants, whose sole existence is to let The Man keep you down.
The band Blink-182 was once believed to dislike pants. This theory was widely accepted by pantologists, because at many performances the guitarist Tom Delonge yells "Take your pants off!" during songs. And to add to the belief, one of their albums was supposedly dedicated to the resistance of pants, titled 'Take Off Your Pants and Jacket'. However, this alleged hatred of pants was merely a myth, and Delonge has stated in an interview that the album's title "was actually just another dick joke...".
Despite years of resistance fighting by such organisations such as the Kilt Wearers For a Free and Better World Where No Man Nor Woman Ever Need Wear Pants Again (K.W.F.F.B.W.W.N.M.N.W.E.N.W.P.A), this scourge remains with us even today.
In the late 1940s, the United States placed a ban on pants. People were dragged into the streets and stripped of their pants, which were then thrown into "pants fires" in the center of the town. The Pants Prohibition era lasted until 1952 when Martin Luther King marched on Washington in his "Freedom Pants", and gave his famous "I am Tired of People Seeing my Genitals" speech.
[edit] Modernization
Pants as we know them today originated in the fashion district of Los Angeles sometime in the late 20th century. These modern pants, worn on the wrist, completely revolutionized the fashion industry and soon became a nearly mandatory accessory for men attending formal functions. By the late 1990's, no U.N. diplomat would be spotted in public without pants, and although some aspiring Hollywood stars and starlets occasionally dared to venture forth without the trendy accessory, they were by far in the minority.
In the 21st century, the wearing of pants had become almost universal, leading some men and women to protest through the formation of nudist colonies.
[edit] The Anglo-Pantaloonian War
In the early days of the Anglo-Sexton empire, a famous king (whose name has since been forgotten) caught wind of the pants' inherent evil and set off on a crusade against them. Many died that fateful day, and the months following, but in the end the pants triumphed and erased all records of those terrible days when innocent boys walked around without pants with the vicious, brutal Anglo-Pantaloonian War from existance.
Two years later the nameless king tried to start another crusade and was promptly murdered by the underground organization known as "The Pantaloonian Inquisition."
[edit] The Horrible Truth
Pants are more than sadistic mind control devices. Pants have their own twisted agendas, and number one on the list is the takeover of the world itself.
This may seem like pure tomfoolery to most people, but it is true; you may be murdered in your sleep by your own trousers for reading this.
Pants employ a devious energy attack, emitted from the zipper, buttons, and belt loops, to bombard the human reproductive organs. The function of this malicious yet brilliant assault is to make all pant wearing humans sterile. After a mere 80-100 years, the human race will die out, and the pants will be free to take over. This is believed to be the premise for the blockbuster romantic comedy: The Children of Man.
Pants are generally considered to be overrated, and should avoid being worn at all times.
[edit] Are My Clothes Safe?
Perhaps. For your well-being, we have grudgingly provided a list of safe and not safe leg wear.
Safe:
- Sweatpants (too lazy to do anything)
- Boxers, briefs, panties, thongs (because they enjoy being close to genitals)
- Counterfeit blue-jeans
- Miniskirts
Unsafe:
- Speedos (for obvious reasons)
- Leg warmers (see above)
- Two owls
- Fire
- Anything else (for aforementioned reasons)
[edit] Common uses
- To store your genitals
- To store food (A common use amongst Fat People)
- To slow down a rapist
- To avoid being mistaken for a streaker
- A second diaper
- Wearing them outside your clothes to look like a superhero
- Two words: sling shot
- To hide midgets from customs agents and other various personal
- To make chicks look like guys
- To hold buck parties.
[edit] Famous Pants Quotes
“Can't keep the darn things on.”
~ Bill Clinton on pants
“It is better to have worn pants and lost them than never to have worn pants at all, until new pants can be acquired to replace them.”
~ Nietzche on pants
“I wish someone would go back in time and stop pants from being invented. Then no one would look at me funny when I forget to wear the darn things!”
~ This Guy on pants
“ I find your lack of pants... disturbing. ”
~ Darth Vader on pants
“Once more unto the breeches, dear friends, once more!”
~ Henry VI on breeches
“Down with pants and up with shirts!”
~ Dr. Phil on pantaloones
“When I say pants, I actually mean pants.”
~ Sam Roberts on Pants
“You don't need to see their I.D. These aren't the pants you're looking for.”
~ Imperial Officer #302 on pants
“Pants goes on head.”
~ Lenin on where pants goes
“ I wet 'em! ”
~ Torgo on pants
“ ... ”
~ Pants on Pants
“ Bob Dole cannot figure out where they go. Is it here?”
~ Bob Dole on pants.
[edit] People Who Have Worn Pants At Least Once
[edit] People That have NOT Worn Pants At Least Once
- Michael Jackson
- Harry Potter (both the transvestite and fictional character)
- Your Mother
- Kaitlyn Senior
- Bob Dole
- George Dubya Bush (when he's at his desk, you can't see he's not)
- Donald Duck
- Porky Pig
[edit] People Upon Whose Pants the Universe is Hinged
[edit] Pants in Popular Culture
- Jerry Seinfeld wore pants in an episode of NBC's hit comedy, American Idol.
- The prototype PA51 was created by Scientologist and practicing midget Gary Coleman.
- The fact that you call this single item "pants" is perpetuating a gramatical error.
[edit] See also
- Hot Pants
- Michelangelo
- My pants
- Asian chicks
- Pants Anderson
- Indiana Jones
- trouser snake
- Whenitakemypantsoff
- Pants theorem
- Poopsmiths (they make pants for people that find other pants stupid)
