Car
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Yeah cars, they're useful. However I always seem to find a fat guy sitting in my car eating nachos with uhh... butter.”
~ Dr.Paranoid on Cars
“I'm going to take ROLLS Royce to a new level”
~ Some fat guy on Rolls Royce
“In soviet Russia, Cars drive you!”
~ Russia on Cars
A car is an item of metal clothing worn by Americans and other people. Containing up to 150 pounds of gasoline alone, it is so heavy it had to have wheels added to support the weight. Even so, moving in it was so difficult a motor had to be added to ease the wearer. Heck, it even needs motors just to turn the steering wheel. To wear it, unlatch the flap (like overalls), crawl in.
Contents |
[edit] Evolution of the Car
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
The car was born in 1964(scientests have now actually discovered that it was born in 10,000 B.C. but remained hidden underground until 1964) by Henry Jane Fonda in an attempt to curb the recently entered Great Ice Age. His intention was to create an easy, affordable way to transport screaming children to amusement parks (reference: Disney World, 6 Flags)as cheap labor in order to dress them up as the cartoon characters they loved so much. Unfortunately, Charles could not find an inexpensive method to produce the car following his original designs, which had the car shaped much like a cob of corn with legs. The overall project drove Carl to murder every penguin, walrus, giraffe, penguin, and lawyer on the face of the earth. and in one final attempt to create the "Child Transporter", Carl petitioned farmers everywhere to give up their corn for the greater good. Unbeknownst, exactly one week before, J. Edgar Hoover changed the national currency to corn cobs, making farmers millionaires but putting poor Fredrick out of a job, and into my dumpster.
The car really took off when an alternative, cheaper fuel was discovered to power Carl's discovery. Originally, the car ran on the energy created when an Eskimo clubs a baby seal to death, which was rather costly and creating outcries from the walrus community who thought that this was a perfectly good waste of baby seals (walruses use baby seals as a salve to treat cancer). The new fuel, or "Gas", was originally kept a secret in order to lead the walrus community into a trap that would end up making them an extinct species (Reference: The Trail of Fat Mammals). However, the formula has recently been leaked and is composed mainly of burning Arabic women who defy their religion by not wearing a veil.
The car finally gained its respectable place in the world today when it had 2 new features added to its core design. First, a device nicknamed the "Granny 'poon", fires a pointed spear out of one of the new car's hidden compartments, and seeks into older women walking the streets. The older woman will then be speared through the hip, and feels no pain at this time since most hips are replaced at this age. The "granny" is then dragged behind the car for miles. This provided great entertainment for teenagers seeking a thrill other than commercial drugs.
The second invention added to the original format of the car was known as the "Demoralizer". Since the invention of the "Granny 'Poon", car crashes had gone up 58% due to the teenagers leaning out the car window and yelling slurs at the older woman. This device drastically reduced accidents by placing a mechanical Jesus Christ on the back of the trunk, by the license plate, that repeatedly belittles the older person with phrases such as "Stop going to church, you won't get to heaven", or "Your children don't love you. I know, I'm Jesus", and "You've been worshiping the wrong god your entire life...should have stuck with Amun-Ra!". This satiated teens thirst to torture the elderly, and the car became a smash hit with people ages 15-23 across the world.
There will be a future war between the Daewoo and the Volkswagon. 1/5 of the earth's population will be removed and the remaining humans will be enslaved in car factories, being forced to make more cars. The war will end 3 years later as a Ford Escort army fires nukes across the globe killing everything. Now Earth looks like Mars.
Cars are an alien species that are learning our technology and will attack our species when they are least expecting it.
[edit] The world of 'W's engines
Why the fuck would you make an engine look like a W? Worst fucking idea ever. We should impeach the bastards that came up with that idea.
Sorry, that was unprofessional of me. What I meant to say was, the use of Ws in cars was the worst idea since that God-awful Car-Ter design, which, despite high expectations, didn't work at all. The idea of car Ws barely won out over the competing Gore design, which was shaped like a bull's horn and attempted to kill anyone who added gasoline to their car because such an action would empower ManBearPig. Despite this flaw, the Gore design has been considered to be much better than the W design, which is so desperately addicted to gasoline that it, like a vampire, has killed thousands of people to get it's heroin-esque fix. Remedies to this poor design choice have included the Obammer design, which runs very well but has been known to cause large crowds of cult followers to block the car's process with their adoration of the engine; the McCan engine, which is produced from old, rusty tin cans and still kills people for its gasoline fix, but does so a lot less than the W engine; and the Na-Der engine, which is basically the Car-Ter engine painted green.
[edit] Vandalism
- Vandalism Of Cars Is Hilarious!! Do It Everytime You See A car.
- Vandalise Vans Too Cos They Are Rubbish And Boring!!!
- If You Smash An Old Persons Car You Get 10 Points!! High 5!
- Never, I Mean Never! Smash Or Vandalise A Dusbin as these are not cars, yes even the ones with wheels...
The art of car vandalism is when someone takes someone's car without their consent, either a stranger’s or someone they know, and pimping it out in the ways they feel necessary. This may include but is not limited to getting someone with long fingernails to scratch profane words on the car, shooting chickens at the car (which stips the paint), setting unused rolls of toilet paper on the car, and painting the car colors which make the car’s owner look homosexual. Car Vandalism is the nation sport of posers, So, Why Not Smash Your Grans Car, She Would Appreciate It Loads! Another game i discovered is called 'bumper bashing' this is where you take a hammer with you late at night as smash the hell out of car bumpers, You get 15 points if the car is owned by either a blind person or a gypsy. 50 extra points if you can remove the bumper after bashing.
[edit] Salvador Dali
One famous car vandal is Salvador Dali. He has most likely vandalized over growing 400 cars, usually leaving completely destroyed with trees and other plants growing out of it. On one occasion, it was reported that he vandalized a car, then used magic powers to levitate it up into a wall of solid rock, and leave it hanging. Firefighters then had to climb the wall, and use axes to knock it down, which thus totaled the car. Nice one mate. Vandalise 50 POINTS IF ITS OWNED BY A MARIO. iN OTHER WORDS 50 POINTS FOR VANDILISING A CARAVAN/TENT. Next time u see a tent or suppicious bin bag slash it with a knife or kick it...HARD.
[edit] Hoople Skunt
Hoople Skunt gained fame in 1913 for becoming the first person to write "wash me" on the rear section of an automobile. After it was found mildly funny by the public, it gained popularity and can still be seen today on many vehicles. It is said that the term "hooptie", referring to shit box cars, came from this famous originator. Apparently, most people are either blind or are really bad spellers.
[edit] Uncyclopedia Articles on Cars
Ha! I totally got you! Boobies!
[edit] Todd Rundgren
In 2006, Todd Rundgren stole the car of one Ric Ocasek and replaced everything except the engine. It has been making funny, unrecognizable noises ever since.
[edit] Automobiles
From the Latin roots "auto", meaning furious, and "mobile", meaning decorative structure, an automobile is any object that by its physical design evokes anger in those persons foolish enough to enter the. Automobiles are often equipped with rhino blinds, and the means to possess one of these metal transporters generally comes in a deceased relatives will.
[edit] Dangerous uses of the car
Some dangerous usage of automobiles is inhalation without filtering. Then there is the Drive by Shooting and the kamikaze bombing. Also, there is driving off a Cliff. The only person known to survive any of this is Jesus. Common automobiles include:
- Rolling Stones
- Hummer (powered by honeybees, which sting you, if you steal or ditch a HUMMER)
- Beetle (powered by little bugs)
- Ovaltine
- Your moms ovaltine
- HowTo:Crash Your Dad's New Corvette
- The World Rover GW
- The Pt Cruiser
- Driving while wearing springs on feets makes unable to run fast
[edit] Speed Kills
Decades ago some skimpy lawyer published a book called "Unsafe At Any Speed" and talks about how speed kills. so according to his logic, any kind of speed kills. cars gain speed over time so u will get killed, huffed, flattend, squished, huffed or stuck in the exhaust pipe. stay away from cars, unless you need/want to get killed!! Even if the car is not moving, it has (zero) speed, so eventually you will die. ( Go 200Mph I Dare You!)A new law has been made that you are only allowed to go wheelspin if your car doesn't sound like a complete tractor like all the boy racer cars do. Never buy a Corsa for your first car as they are very slow and sound like a lawnmower.
(Caution- the book clearly mentions that speed kills, the car may have nothing to do with your death - only the mysterious bags of powder you found in the boot)
[edit] Other Car Stuff
little do some people know but motor cycles are actually a form of car. they are formed when two cars have a threesome with an articulated lorry being lifted by a hippo. they are only use by hippies, cops, bikers, chavs, regular guys, women, 8-year olds, old people, homeless people, bikers, doctors, biker, cops, and just about everyone else. another interesting fact about motorcycles is that they are actually very similar to pigeons, but I can't remember how they are similar. ask someone else.
[edit] Car CrIMeS
- Acura Attacking
- Ascari Arson
- Ariel Ambushing
- Bugatti Burninating
- BMW Bashing (Black Mans Willy Bashing?) Sound wrong?
- Cabrio Crushing
- Caterham Crappifying
- Chevrolet Crashing
- Citroen Chavving-up
- Daimler Detonation
- Dodge Demolishing
- Datsun Defamation
- Escort Exploding
- Exige Erupting
- Ferrari Freezing
- Ford Firing
- GM Graffiti
- Golf Golf-ballifying
- Honda Hitting
- Holden Hari-Kari
- Hummer Humming
- Infiniti Imploding
- Invicta Incinerating
- Isuzu Infection
- Jetta Jettifying
- Lamborghini Lollypopping
- Lagonda Liquifing
- Lotus Licking
- Mazda Mashing
- Mercedes-Benz Multiplying
- Mosler Murderizing
- Mummobile
- Nissan Nattering
- Odyssey Oderizing
- Opel Overfuelling
- Porsche Pissing
- Pontiac Paralyzing
- Renualt Ruining
- SAABs are the best car
- Saturn Slashing
- Scion Sweeping
- Subaru Smoking
- Suzuki Smashing
- Telsa Trashing
- Toyota Trukifying
- Vauxhall Vandalism
- Vectra Vandalism-Repitition
- Volkswagen Vaulting-pole-thing-spearing
- Westfield Window-smashing
 Arnold Schwarzenegger as depicted in the movie Cars. |
 A tricked out modern car, with sweet rims, a brand new paintjob, and a special hidden spike on the steering wheel in case you crash, so that when you do crash, you wont have to suffer the pain of being injured, and more importantly, you won't have to pay for your totaled car. This spike is also known as an Airbag (NOTE:Airbag is also a common term for your mom). |
Notable car crashes:
- A boy took a girl out on a date to a restaurant and they sat down to have a meal. While they were having their meal, the boy asked the girl "Do you want to see a car crash?", and then he stuck his tongue out with all the chewed up food on it, hoping that she'd find it funny. She gave him a slap in the face and rushes out. The boy was so devastated that she had broken up with him, he ended up having a real car crash on the way home.
- During a foggy morning in England, a man hit five pedestrians while driving his truck along Abbey Road. All five of them were The Beatles.
- A man had been driving his car for over 30 years until he fell asleep at the wheel.
- A man was being rushed to hospital in an ambulance when it collided with a truck. He was so badly injured after the crash, he had to be rushed to hospital.
