Tsar Wars

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Original Movie Poster.

That's no moo- wait a second...

A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far, Far, Far, Far Away... actually, who cares, that was Zen, this is Mao.

Tsar Wars is a series of edumacational movies detailing the history of the Russian Revolution directed by George Hamilton. The series is highly regarded for its incredible accuracy and attention to detail, and is told from the point of view of two metal peasants, Arthur Dentoo (a renegade Dalek who shuns plumbing) and C-3PO, about whom the less said the better, honestly.

[edit] Communist Plot

Where they buried Lenin, but not McCartney.

[edit] Story

Due to a complicated screwup involving vodka, glasnoost and perestroika, Russian Reversals and a whole tubload of fake tan, none of the movies were filmed in the right order. Many complicated and quite detailed explanations were made up for this, most of them being true.

[edit] Episode IV: No Hope

Young farmhand Lukeski Walker (Wil Wheaton) is a bright young lad, bored of 'hoing potatoes' for his Uncle Sven and Auntie Beeb. One day after being attacked by the Sandman, Lukeski finds himself under the protection of Karl Marx (Pat Morita), a dirty old tramp in a robe. Karl takes him back to his hovel where he shows young Lukeski his big magic sword, and kindly offers to teach him how to handle it, the way he showed his dadd. Initially tempted, Lukeski decides instead to go back to 'hoing for his uncle and aunt. Upon returning to the hovel he shares with them, however, he finds that they are not undead.

Distraught, Lukeski follows Karl's advice and follows him to the big city of Mos Cow (Dairy Queen of the Russian Lands), where they meet Indiana Jones Grigori Rasputin (Henry Winkler), a dappper young gent in tight leather pants, and his large hairy silent companion the Carebearca (Ron Jeremy), who wears no pants at all. After a bit of haggling, Rasputin and Carebearca agree to do the business with Karl and Lukeski.

Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Tsar Wars.

• At this point we come to one of the most controversial points of the movie. In all versions, Rasputin is approached by Abraham Lincoln, who invites him to sit at a corner table. The two of them talk quietly for a few moments before Lincoln says to Rasputin, "I've been waiting for this for a long time." In the original version, this is the point at which Rasputin reaches below the table, says "I'll just bet you have," and proceeds to blow Lincoln away. In the adjusted version, however, Lincoln appears to shoot first, even though he misses Rasputin's face.

Having decided to double-team, our brave heroes bravely run away, after a brief encounter with the hideously corpulent Tsarina Catherine the Hutt. With a swift bit of oral maneuvering on Rasputin's part, Catherine is quickly satisfied and the heroes quickly depart Mother Russia for parts unknown.

[edit] Episode VI3: The Tsar Strikes Back

After escaping from the grasp of Tsarina Catherine the Hutt, the intrepid adventurers run into the great and powerful villain Darth Vassilovski (William Shatner) (the fat older one) , a master of the dark arts, and a 'ho' servant of the Tsarina. Using his own magic sword, the villain Vassilovski singlehandedly slays Rasputin's Donkey, and then moves own to rape defeat Lukeski, Rasputin, and Carebearca. In response, Karl pulls out his own magic sword, and in a bitter clash, Karl is raped killed. However, Vassilovski fails to capture Lukeski, Rasputin or Carebearca, due to the arrival of the Bolsheviks.

After their rescue by the Bolsheviks, the adventurers are taken to their base, located far on the outskirts of the Glorious Motherland. There, they meet the leader of the Bolsheviks, Princess Leikova (George Lucas) (no, really) . Lukeski decides to 'ho' for them, and Rasputin decides to stay also, to attempt to seduce Lukeski into joining him in his all night bachannalian parties.

Meanwhile, the Tsarina works to complete her massive pet project, the Death Tsar, a gigantic magic sword, with which she intends to rape the Bolsheviks...

[edit] Episode VI: The Reruns of the Jedkovski

Contrary to the popular belief. This episode of the ever-popular series "Tsar Wars" does not take place in his nose. This episode is a change of pace from the last few. It takes place in a small country village in Northern England where a young Hubert Spinks has just put the finishing touches on his remote control bicycle. He decides to take it out for a spin but fails to see the T.V. OH NO! Catastrophe, laughs-a-buncho, and Mr. Squiggles are all guaranteed in this failsafe version of candy. The movie closes with the now popularized phrase, "well, let's all go poop a big one!"

This article has a good idea and concept, but isn't finished. You can do something about it. "Tsar Wars is a series of educational movies detailing the history of the Russian Revolution directed by George Hamilton". Star Wars meets Russian rulers!