Tuba

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

The tuba is an oversized-instrument with a colorful history and a large spit valve.

Contents

[edit] History

Tubas players are actually descendents of a small clan of Neanderthals that descended from the ice glaciers in the late ice age and survived with various Angelo Saxon tribes. During this time they adopted the Angelo Saxon beliefs in the Norse gods. During this time they believed that Odin (King of Gods) and Thor (The God of Thunder) where at war and that their tribe were the followers of Thor. They believed that they were Thor's chosen servants and that they were his warriors for battle, so in turn they believed that thunder storms were their battles and lighting was the heavenly sparks emitted from the blows of Thor's hammer (mjolinr) against odins armor. During these storms the tribe would yell and bellow to the heavens in an effort to aid Thor's battle. Eventually the tribe began using large hollow logs as megaphones to amplify their bellows. One day one of the tribesmen, being the typical lard ass as a tuba player is, accidentally ripped a fart into one of the megaphones and thus created the typical resonating characteristic sound of a tuba. The tribesmen soon realized they could mimic the sound with their mouths and continued usage of this technique that was soon the standard of all the tribesmen and they abandoned the sore throats of the past. Over time the megaphones grew larger and eventually became coiled and made of brass.

Now there are many debates to where the origin of the actual word tuba came from; many believe that it is actually derived from the Anglo-Saxon word töbast (pronounced tubist), meaning fucking retarded. It is believed that other Anglo-Saxon tribes would call the tribe this after witnessing them during their battles. There is also a debate on how the tubist tribe survived- mainly they were out cast from society and inbred until their intelligence was actually boosted to the level of a percussionist and then were able to filter into society while discreetly maintaining their beliefs and passing them down from generation to generation.

Tubists today are not at all any different from the Neanderthal tribesmen worshiping Thor. Other than their intelligence they are genetically identical to their Neanderthal ancestors. This has been possible because the chromosomes of a tubist are naturally dominant to all other human beings. However for unknown reasons the chromosomes in the male are far more dominant than in the females. This makes it possible to trace back one's lineage to original tubist tribesmen, however few to none have these records and cannot. But the few that can are started at playing tuba at a early age, most of whom go on to play tuba professionally. Some of the greatest tubists can trace their lineage back some of the chiefs. Some of these are as follows: Arnold Jacobs, Roger Bobo, and Gene Pokorny.

The most definite, without a doubt greatest tuba of all time is the York-master used in the Chicago symphony, as it was devised from a chip off of Thor's hammer that fell from heaven and was re-shaped and cast by the dark lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom and became the most sought after tuba of all time.

[edit] Biology of Tubas

Tubas begin their lives as small euphoniums, but quickly gain size and grow to become full-fledged adult tubas. Note that many euphoniums become confused as to their personality, becoming trombones conforming to natural akwardence of orientation. The euphoniums feed on notes in treble clef, while an adult tuba feeds on notes in bass clef. Older tubas possess four keys instead of three, which allow them to consume extremely low-pitched notes, which would kill most other instruments. Tubas are extremely acidic and extremely dangerous, especially in packs, however, they are more of a danger to themselves than anyone else. A dozen tubas is a force capable of destroying entire ecosystems (unless there are, say, half a dozen grand pianos there). However, the tubas reproduce slowly, meaning there are seldom more than one or two in any given place.

[edit] The Noble and Ancient Art of Tuba Eating

Tubas, with their acidic metals can lead to massive heartburn and dysentery. Therefore, to properly eat a tuba, one must take 2500 tums. Moreover, The tuba must be deep fried in the oil of 90 mammals: shrews, rats, and a mouse. It must be stuffed with a cheese sauce made with cheddar, gouda, and super glue and then be cut into bite sized pieces that are pickled in vinegar and salt. It must be swallowed with pop rocks and coke. Notable tuba Eaters:

[edit] The Chicken Tuba Incident, Version 1

Note: This happened at Notre Dame and the White House in 1914. 3000 German soldiers, armed with chicken tubas, massacred worshippers at the cathedral as well as Abe Lincoln.


[edit] The Chicken Tuba, Version 2

First of all, a chicken tuba is a musical instrument made entirely of solid titanium. It resembles a large ripe watermelon impaled by four recorders and a cursive L. It is played by blowing into the L. No matter how you play it, the result is the same: a sound that is only describable as The Chicken Dance played on 17 tubas. The instrument is alleged to have a prerecorded copy of the chicken dance concealed in the watermelon that is activated by blowing, but this is unconfirmed.


The Chicken Tuba Incident In 1914, 김정일(Kim Jeong-Il) ordered 500 South Korean teenagers shot for playing chicken tubas too loudly near the DMZ- it drove the North Koreans crazy. 리승만 (Rhee Syngman), outraged, threatened war. To weaken Kim, he challenged Kim to a game of Starcraft. Kim cheated by deploying the 1st orchestra battalion of the 2nd Regiment of the 3rd Brigade of the 4th Division of the 5th corps of the 6th Army of the 123456789th Army to play chicken tubas in strategic locations around Seoul. Rhee was too distracted by the sound of 1000 chicken tubas playing in Seoul to notice his base was under attack by 200 zerglings. He lost, and backed down.

Chicken tubas can also launch flaming llamas if you enter the correct chicken combo.

[edit] Tubas as Masturbatory Aides

Since their invention in 1491 by a very lonely and horny Christopher Columbus on his journey to Indiana, the tubas have been used by many as a masturbatory aides. That's "aides," not AIDS. We're not talking about your mom here.

The key to a successful tuba-induced orgasm is determination, perseverence, and several gallons of lubricant. To begin, place the tuba on the floor, wide-end-down and back up several paces. Next, sprint toward the tuba, building speed as you go, then leap into the air and rotate your X-axis 180 degrees and your Z-axis 90 degrees, bringing yourself down onto the mouthpiece ass-first.

In some African tribes, tuba masturbation ("Mastubation") with a bass tuba is used as an initiation into manhood. Since children lack the speed and dexterity to properly mount a full-sized tuba, the test serves to differentiate between children and adolescents.

In recent years, starvation-induced malnutrition has lead to many African teens permanently disfiguring themselves, becoming outcasts, and turning against the society that spurned them. This was the original cause of the genocide in Sudan.

A guy named Graham Jenkins (not related to Leeroy Jenkins) became the worlds first, and only, "Champion of Tuba Fornication" in a not so official competition. When asked how became so "successful" he claimed he practiced on trumpets and trombones since age ten, then moved on to the "good stuff" when he was around the age of fourteen and a half. Since then, individuals who wish to perfect their skills in Tuba Masturbation have used similar strategies.

[edit] The Mating Ritual

  • Tuba players rarely find a female of their species. But if they do find one this is the exact set of steps that they must and will take. Including dialogue.
  • First the Male tuba player notices the female tuba player. Intrigued he walks over towards her after the football game, this way he can talk to her about both of their performances. Once he slowly arrives, he immediately starts with the dialogue.

"So I notice that you also play the Sousaphone. So what is your favorite note?" says the male while attempting to strike up a conversation

"Yeah. It's a low Cb." says the female noticing that she is once again having a male attempt to let her take her as his mate

Then both burst into laughter over this joke.

If one of them has a brass sousaphone, then the conversation continues pretty easily.

"So I notice that you have a Brass sousaphone." says which ever one of them doesn't have a brass one

"Yeah." says the other

"So how does it tune?" asks the non brass player

Some of the most common responses are, "Pretty good but sometimes it's about three cent flat.", "Very well.", and finally "Well it sounds good but I still believe that it isn't exactly tuned correct."

Now back onto the standard dialogue.

"So uhm... Would you like to go out some time." usually says the male Tubist/sousa follower

"Yeah I guess so." says the other

"Ok here is my phone number." says the male usually as he hands her his number

"Yeah and here's mind. Oh wait I don't have anything on me." says the female

The male attempting to look cool pulls out one of his stand tunes and says "Here just right it here on the back of this."

They have no swapped numbers. It is usually five to seven calls later before they finally go out on a date. For some odd reason the male usually brings along his mother.

After they date for what seems like one even maybe two years they finally bring their tubas to show each other. At this date they both play duets for the entire time and teach each other one new song, thus cementing the Female's consent to allow the Male to mate with her.

Once three songs are shared, the actual mating can begin. They both lay down their tubas, but only after they have played their individual mating song. The most common song is a piece that both have composed during their dating time. If a piece they have composed isn't sufficient, they will most likely choose a rendition of Gavotte and Hornpipe. If the Male is feeling confident, he may try to show the Female his high A in the Vaughan-Williams. There is some danger in this, for if he cracks his note, the mating process could be extended until the Male can explain that it's never happened before and it was only because of the pressure.

They lay their instruments down so that they may both mate also. Usually the female's tuba becomes impregnated. It only takes twelve seconds for the baby to be born. It's usually just a trumpet for the first twelve seconds. The Tuba players both also mate, thus creating a new baby tuba player. After the entire mating ritual is over, both the male and female of the species start feeding the baby trumpet low C#. Using this method the trumpet either grows into a small Euphonium or it dies. If the latter happens, the child is buried.

You must be warned that Tuba Players are an endangered species. A recent study said that the ratio of Tuba Players to all other instruments is 1:1134. The next closest is the glass harmonica at 1:132. So if you see a tuba player attempting to engage a female into a mating ritual leave both of them alone. Interrupting them will result in a hatred by all other Musicians.

  • If there is no female tuba player/Sousa follower. Then a Tuba Player may take a B.C. Euphonium player as a last resort.
  • If none of last said instrument is found. Then a Tuba player will just select someone who is outside the basic band structure.

[edit] TUBA OF THE GULF WAR

In late July, 2990, as negotiations betWEEEEEEEEEEEen Irock and Youwait stalled, Irock massed trooopass on Youwait’s borders and summoned American Ambassador Avril Lavigne for an (Money, it’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash!) unexpected meeting with Irocki President Dam Sad Hussy. Two transcripts of that meeting have been produced, both of them unintelligble. They looked like this- 私達は夜明けに攻撃する! According to the transcripts, Dam Sad outlined his grievances against Youwait, while promising that he would not invade Youwait before one more round of tuba invasions. In the version published by Tha New York Times on September 23, 1990, Glaspie expressed concern over the Chicken tuba trooopaz buildup, but WEEEEEEEEEEEnt on to say: bla bla bla bla bla "WEEEEEEEEEEE have no opinion on tha Igrabbed an-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Youwait. I was in tha Onthacan Embassy in Youwait during tha late ’60s. Tha instruction WEEEEEEEEEEE had during this period was that WEEEEEEEEEEE should take tha express so no opinion on this issue and that tha issue is not associated with America. James Baker has directed our official spokesmen to emphasize this instruction. WEEEEEEEEEEE hope you can solve this problem using any suitable methods via [Chadli] Klibi [than Arab Major League General Secretary] or via President Mubarak. All that WEEEEEEEEEEE hope is that thase issues are solved quickly."


Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget café at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled at the Green Midget café and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... Some have interpreted thase statements as diplomatic language signaling an Onthacan "green light" for tha invasion, even though many of tha Weapons for said invasion Were destroyed due to soldiers not believing that tha watermellon-shaped tubas could launch flaming llamas by ordering a chicken combo. Although tha Steak Department did not confirm (or deny) tha Chicken tubas existance, or tha authanticity of thase transcripts, U.S. sources say that it had handled everything “by tha book” (in accordance with tha U.S.’s official neutrality on tha Irock-Youwait issue) and had not signaled Irocki President Dam Sad Hussy any approval for defying tha Arab Major League’s Jedi crisis squad, which had conducted tha negotiations. In November 1989, CIA director William WEEEEEEEEEEEbster met with tha Youwaiti head of security, Brigadier Fahd Ahmed l-Fahted. Subsequent to Irock’s invasion of Youwait, Irock claimed to have found a memorandum pertaining to thair conversation. Tha Washington Post reported that Youwait’s foreign minister fainted when confronted with this document at an Arab summit in August.[citation unesssary] Later, Irock cited this memorandum as evidence of a CIA - Youwaiti plot to destabilize Irock economically and politically. Tha CIA and Youwait have described tha meeting as routine and tha memorandum as a forgery. Tha purported document reads in part: "WEEEEEEEEEEE agreed with tha Onthacan side that it was important to take advantage of tha blablablablablablabla in Irock in order to put pressure on that country's government to delineate our common border. Tha Central Shit Agency (IRS) gave us its view of appropriate means of pressure, saying that broad cooperation should be initiated betWEEEEEEEEEEEen us on condition that such activities be coordinated at a high level."


== The tubas are the kings of the band.There is even a religion describing it in the Annal's of Vehordehuminhazen they list the sacred tuba codes of conduct and order. ==

[edit] Tuba Commandments

1.Thou shalt wear thy beret to the left, nay to the right.

2.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's mouthpiece extenders.

3.Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbour's sousaphone bell.

4.When faith in thy music faltereth, improvise..........Blast!!!!!!

5.Thou shalt not play when thy spit valve need be emptied.

6.Thou shalt learn to count. (to four at least, and it can be in a foreign language or Chinese)

7.Thou shalt put up thy tuba when thou art not playing or face certain death.

8.Thou shalt flirt with the flautists, colour guard, cheerleaders, female band members, other bands' female band members and/or anything that is attractive, aged 15-20, female and not a fellow tuba player.

9.Thou shalt always scream excessively loudly when cheering.

10.Thou shalt blame the percussion, for thou art never wrong.

11.Thou shalt dent thy fellow Tuba's bell for being emo

12.Thou shalt take thy fellow Tuba's slides when bored.

13.Thou shalt laugh at the Bass Trombonist when they can't play their pedal C... with vibrato.

14.Thou shalt scream random colours such as BLACK ! at pep rallies , football games , etc. or whenever thou seest fit.

15.Thou shalt have strange hair and go on Adventure Fridays.... EVERY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

16. Thou shalt be snooty and full of thy false pretenses.

17. Thou shalt always mock the trombonists whilst thou playest louder than they.

18. PP is equal to FFF. Always.

19. Thou must remember to find thine brain after thou hast graduated.

20. When thou art the only Sousaphone player in Marching Band then the only choice is to play as if thou wast with three others.

21. If band director sayeth louder, increase thine volume by no less then five steps.

22. If a rival band plays a song at a certain volume and thou believest that they are challenging thee, then on the next time play thine Sousaphone so loud that all around it seems as if they be not playing.

23. In concert band, thou must remember one thing: Tuba is always melody.

24. Number 23 also applieth to Band of Marching.

25. The Drum Major doth not know better than thou. Thine internal chronometer is better. Sousaphone players say at what tempo a song shall be conducted.

26. If a Drum Major is of the opposite gender, then no matter whatever relationships that they may be in, you have exclusive rights to them.

27. If thou findest a female Sousaphone/Tuba Player, then thou hast been blessed by the tuba gods. Treat her as if she is a fellow Bass player, thus she is better than all other band members but still lower than you.

28. Remember thou controllest the band.

29. Thou shall blast the music and ruin it for everyone.

30. Thou shalt mock, pity and ridicule the drum major when they can't keep a steady tempo.

31. If thou art the obese tuba player thou must mock the skinny tuba player or face the faults of being the loser tuba player.

32. Befriend the black tuba player, for he is destined by fate to go farther than thou.

33. Thou shalt always kill the moment by blasting

34. Thou mustn't run whilst thou holdest a tuba, for clarinets are easily broken.

35. Thou mustn't run ever, for good tuba players are lazy.

36. Thou shalt always make up words that have tuba in them for they are funny, e.g. Tubalicios, Tubatoothpaste, Tubaloompa,

37. Thou shalt always disregard the drum major's instructions to low brass, for tuba is its own section.

38. If a tuba player is fatter than thee, thou shalt accept him as thy master.

39. If thou art a crappy-sounding tuba player, improvise by being the best tuba dancer for it pleases the crowd more than thine playing.

40. If thou hast a boring tuba part and lame marching show, spice it up with tuba visuals, e.g. tuba360 or the fat double 180, pelvic thrusts, supercrazy or the tubahoop, golden arse wipe, fast turns to the left or right, and the infamous tuba wave.

41. If ever thou happenest upon a polka band, thou must join it.

42. Thou shalt never own an F tuba with fewer than five valves.

43. At every opportunity, thou shalt crush thou fellow band members puny instruments with a drop of your mighty Tuba (Inside it's case of of course) onto woodwind and string instruments (Not in their case of course). When questioned as to why you have let this "calamity" happen, yell at them about how important thou is to the band and how one piccolo is of no consequence.

44. Thou shalt get a case with wheels.

45. Thou shalt use public transport to transport your instrument of destruction.

46. One octave lower than written is good, two octaves better! (this commandment also applieth to the higher octave)

47. Susaphone players are not to wear black shirts to practice for the tuba does not like that and will bleed on to your shirt with blood that cannot be washed off.

48. Thou must play charge with the trumpets to piss them off.

49. Thou shalt not take your mouth piece of the susaphone while dancing unless thou likith eye patches " Dont worry Brent we'll get those bits out of your eye someday".

50. Thou can calculate the greatness of a tuba player by counting the dents on his sousaphone 0 new or a wuss, 10 crappy, 30 okay 60 good, 100 guru's bitch, 250 guru's sexy bitch, 500 guru, 1,000 Godly, 1,000,000 Chuck Norris


Band Class
Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Tuba"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaterschronarion.org