Dolphin

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(Redirected from Tuna fish)

Dolphin Riding, a very dangerous extreme sport. Children: do not try this at home.

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

~ Anonymous Dolphin on The destruction of the world

You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the NY strip steak of the sea. The truth is, Dolphins are stupid. Just like Dolphin-likers. Kill them all.

Dolphins were invented by the god Dionysus in 5 B.C. during one of his all-night drinking binges (He claims he did it because he was feeling unusually horny that night.) Dolphins are the second smartest species on the Earth, but as mentioned above, very stupid... yeah makes you think doesn't it("Think" is a loose term here); they fall just below chimps as shown by my misspelling of "species." In addition, they are manically hypersexual and will rape divers if excited, as in the movie Cocoon.

Dolphins were once considered as mammals, but it has recently been confirmed that they are actually fish. This conclusion has been reached by a recent study commissioned by Australian prime minister Paul Hogan. That study dispelled many popular myths such as:

Dolphins breath air - this is not true, they actually absorb all of the oxygen they need from their food, the gas leaving the blowhole is simply waste gasses from digestion, which the dolphin doesn't like.

Dolphins give birth to live young - actually dolphins lay eggs however these eggs are cleverly disguised as floating bottles.

Dolphins are warm blooded - the appearance of this is due the acid on the skin of the dolphin reacting with the thermometer increasing it's temparature.

[edit] Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas

A famous dolphin

“I was raped by Simon Cowell. But I grew to enjoy it.”

~ Anonymous Dolphin on Simon Cowell

Dolphins do indeed have sex for pleasure/fun. and if there are no girl dolphins around they play with boys... much like Stump and Jeff. Stump and Jeff are famous 4 years old bottle nosed dolphins housed at the uShaka Aqueriam in Durban, South Africa.

Bottle Nose Dolpihns sometimes prey upon an unexpecting turtle to get off with. There is a species called the Amazon River Dolphin that has been found using each others blowholes for some form of perverted erotic asphyxiation. Boy on boy action in the ocean.

Cold Blooded Sexual Predators these babies are not in fact you usually have to distract a dolphin before you can entice it into sexual relations with you. Many people find the fishy taste of the dolphin off-putting but for the real beastality connesuer the dolphin is a true treat. It is commonly known that the porpoise is the most giving animal sexually in the kingdom (with the manatee coming in a close second) on the other end of the spectrum you will find it very rare to find a horny dolphin.This is in fact only the case until the dolphin is married when it becomes a willing sexual partner. This is why common practice means you have to root it when it is not looking unless you find a rare Amozonian dolphin who is always gaggin for it. The first requirement for this act is the ability to swim pretty fast. Unless you are a strong swimmmer there is no point in even thinking about consumating your love with a dolphin. The usual technique is to frug the dolphin before indulging however most say that this lessens the pleasure inducedd. The blowhole is, obviously the most common point of entry. This orifice however has its down sides. It is sad but true that the reason why dolphins are so reluctant to engage in sexual intercourse is the fact that their blowholes contract when anything is placed in them. This means that as soon as a man slides his phallus into the blowhole it will contract therefore trapping his member in a fishy vice. After ejaculation the dolphin then needs to be cut away mainly resulting in death. This leads to the large amount of dolphin snuff porn we encounter on a day to day basis.

Many people have been saying that a dolphin is in fact a gay shark. This was taken to court by the UAHD (United Association of Hetrosexual Dolphins) with a large fee agreed out of court.

While most people believe that dolphins share similar anatomical characteristics to other aquatic mammals, this fact is false. Upon further inspection of a dolphins skeletal frame you will notice that they do not have a neck. For reasons unknown, this trait has proven to make the dolphin immortal. They are the true Highlander of the sea.They are badd mother fuckers.

[edit] Swimming With Dolphins

Axl Rose demonstrates how to do it.

Quite probably the most overrated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience.

A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewlery and sell it on SEABay

Dolphin intelligence has been massively over-rated by scientists. This is because scientists are easily tricked by sycophancy and Dolphins pander to their egos. The dolphin will constantly nod along to whatever the "scientist" says and is always ready to laugh it's annoying little laugh.

How not to swim with dolphins

A dolphin uprising occoured in 1997, hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lazers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, lets face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.

Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.

It should be noted some dolphins are actually gay sharks.