Turkmenistan

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Türkmenistan Jumhuriyäti
Unimportant Republic of Turkmenistan
Turkey


(Flag)	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: How happy to be a Turkman, and bathe in the golden light of Turkmenbashi!

Anthem: "Independent, Neutral, Turkmen State, When The Train Arrives, It Is Never Late"
Popular state anthem, written and composed by Turkmenistan's Glorious Leader, Saparmurat Niyazov

Capital

Aşgabat

Largest city

Aşgabat

Official languages

Turkmen

Government

Glorious Republic

-President for Life and Death too

Saparmurat Niyazov

National Hero(es)

Saparmurat Niyazov

Declaration
of Independence

October 27, 1991

Currency

Glorious coinage of Saparmurat Niyazov

Religion

Glorious worship of His Greatness, Saparmurat Niyazov

Population

* 1 Saparmurat Niyazov
* 4,833,000 delighted subjects
* Countless poultry

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Turkmenistan.

Turkmenistan is one of the poultry republics that broke away from the USSR. Despite his death on December 22, 2006, it continues to be ruled by glorious president-for-life-and-afterlife Saparmurat Niyazov, who made it the best nation the world has ever known. It is located in Central Asia and scenically borders the Caspian Sea. Turkmenistan (like various other countries in the neighbourhood including Turkey) is populated mainly by hybrids of Turkic humans and poultry, called Turkmen.

1 Geography
2 Culture
3 Government
4 Military
5 Prostitutes
6 Demographics
7 See also

[edit] Geography

Geography is one of many subjects that are banned in Turkmenistan public schools. The Turkmenistanian authorities argue that learning of such things as geography, mathmatics and reading will pollute the minds of the Turkeykids, which is what children are affectionately called in Turkmenistan.

In a speech directed at the countries youth, the current Director of Public Education, Slad Bravislawistanimanistanian, even went so far as to say, "geography shmeography!" This declaration was met with a deafening round of applause from the congregated masses of Turmenistanian dirt eaters and Turkeykids. This reaffirmed the current ban on teaching the subject of geography.

The punishment for even saying the word geography in public is quite severe. Though it cannot be confirmed, rumor has it that the punishment involves vasoline, baking soda, paprika, lemons and paper clips. Incidentally, the country's citizenry cannot understand how the letters "ph" in the word geography can make an "f" sound. Therefore, the people generally do not worry about the punishment for saying the word geography since they cannot pronounce the word in the first place.

Outside of Turkmenistan, amongst so-called experts whose neutrality cannot be guaranteed, it is said that Turkmentistan consists largely of desert with patches of arable land around rivers and the Caspian Sea coast. Turkmen officials refuse to confirm or deny this but the Turkmenistan Minister of Agriculture has been quoted as saying "Turkmenistan has glorious natural quantities of sand."

[edit] Culture

All Turkmen are required to sing, dance, and scream about the greatness of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. Isn't that a great system? Although it is unclear as of the time of this writing what they will sing, dance and scream about following the demise of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. The local scholar believes that the populace will then sing, dance and scream about the demise of the President-for-life, Saparmurat Niyazov, but that is mere speculation.

[edit] Government

Turkmenistan is a democratic and free nation as well as being neutral. The President of Turkmenistan is the Turkmenbashi who resides in the Presidential Palace and never moves from his chair due to his devotional duty to his country and countrymen. In 2006, Turkmenbashi's spirit left its body which, as a result, may appear dead; but this is not the case although unfriendly and non-neutral countries in the region and elsewhere keep repeating this lie. The Turkmenbashi cannot die and, even in heaven (where he now resides) he remains President of Turkmenistan and his earthly remains have the same status. Because he is devoted to heavenly concerns, the Turkmenbashi often delegates many tasks to a man called Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedow who is a loyal servant of the Turkmenbashi and not a president as lying and partial nations will claim.

Tremble before His neutrality!

The legislative bodys of Turkmenistan are the People's Council and Assembly, both of which are elected with joy by the many happy people of Turkmenistan. On a general election day there is always a 100% turnout and the Turkmen people vote 100% for the Democratic Party of Turkmenistan. The name of the party is proof that the party is democratic and many nations, envious of the joyful unity of Turkmenistan, claim the elections are not free and fair. This is not true and a United Nations man in Turkmenistan watches the elections. I have spoken to him and he has said "these elections are free and fair." You can't argue with him. Many non-neutral nations say this man does not exists and that his words are made up but this is a lie. They also claim they cannot find him but this is because he doesn't want to talk to them, so sickened is he of their lies! He is from Czechoslovakia and is called John Czechosolvakia. How could he not be real if I can tell you his name?

The legislative bodies make the laws of Turkmenistan and all these laws have pleased the Turkmenbashi. This is not like America where non-neutrality and moral squalor mean that President Bush (a very stupid man) passes laws that many Americans disagree with. I think that shows which is the better country!

[edit] Military

Prepare to quake! The Democratic Republic of Turkemistan is capable of deploying one million heavily-armed soldiers into the defence of its neutrality (or to defend the neutrality of another nation from non-neutral aggression). In addition, she can field many thousands of tanks and attack helicopters and her airforce can blot out the sun. These are all real and are not toys in Turkmenbashi's backdoor sandpit as liars have claimed!

[edit] Prostitutes

Turkmenistan's prostitutes are the dirtiest and cheapest in the region; and that's guaranteed by the government. Each Turkmen prostitute has an official seal of approval which can be found on their ass.

For $0.50Can the women will do anything you want. Canadian men working over there are getting so used to the sex they provide, they are leaving their wives and bringing these 'giving' women, who are the same age as his children back to Canada. If you're out to 'save a whore' we have plenty at home. 'Save a whore, eh! Soon they'll have a canadian flag tattoed on their ass.

CANADIAN OVERSEAS WORKERS MARRY TURKMENISTAN PROSTITUTES

When North American engineering firms send workers to Turkmenistan to work on the gas plants they should forewarn the men and their families (wives) about the prostitutes that come to the camps. The Turkmenistan prostitutes (I believe the term is gula) are so desperate to leave their impoverished country, they promise the stupid lonely old men unending kinky sexual favors hoping to disrupt his home life, marry him and come to Canada, not only disrupting the life of his wife at home, but also his children as often they are in the same age category as the hooker he brings into the family.

I was living with a man when I found out he was cheating with a turkmeny hooker. Apparently they are the cheapest and dirtiest in the area therefore I'm sure you can understand my fear of contracting something passed on by her/them.

I was extremely frightened and embarrassed when I had to ask my physician for an AIDS test because the man I trusted, loved and living with was having sex with gulas?I know employers can't control what their workers do with their pants off, but when at least four of the men in one camp have married (some now attempting to divorce these women) it should be addressed. What is going on at camp?

The engineering companies should not provide this entertainment package!! What happens to these men when they go over there? Is it something in the water? Or sprinkled on the sashik? Maybe a type of turkmengaz piped into their rooms? Are they prescribed whoremonger pills? Oh, I got it, it must be the laundry detergent they use to wash their shorts??

After these women have finished using them for financial gain and benefited from our country, they no longer want to dress up in the uncomfortable trashy lingerie he bought for them that ride up your ass (yup, tried it but didn’t receive any manats), they are bored of daily blow jobs (and I can only imagine what else) which is how they hooked him in the first place, these gulas laugh all the way to the bank, leaving the farting old fools to fend for themselves, broke, embarrassed, with their tails, or should I say limp dinks between their legs as they despondently sit in their wheelchairs picking their nose. Not a pretty picture is it??

I have been told I still have a hot body (by the man who choose a hooker half his age over me), an amusing personality and a good sense of humor particularly throughout this hurtful, embarrassing ordeal. Also that I am much more attractive and looked much younger than the round bellied bald man I lived with.

I was told these women are very aware of the conditions at camp, that the men are lonely and very stupid when it comes to sexual favors, therefore very easy targets. Furthermore this man with the wandering pecker was hooked on me (no pun there), but obviously I could not compete with the camp tramp gymnastics...and I am very flexible...but apparently not as sponge worthy as her!

May I suggest Canadian companies that send workers overseas implement a program to temporarily neuter the men as they step off the plane in Ashgabat, perhaps a type of stun gun. Oh wait, aren't they already somewhat stunned?

We know that an electrician doesn't wire anything at home, a nurse does not nurture her household, a chef does not cook at home, and a retired hooker does not want to continue doing what she did to hook him in the first place. Don't these whipped men know she wants to marry him so she doesn't have to do that anymore? Not thinking with the right brain are they???

There is something very sad and pathetic about a 60 year old red faced round bellied bald man and a 35 year old possibly pregnant woman wearing an ankle bracelet (because he likes the look of them) walking hand in hand in Calgary.

Its ironic he bought her an ankle bracelet considering pimps first encouraged their ‘girls’ to wear ankle bracelets to advertise their trade.

'eh' concerned Canadian ‘eh’

[edit] Demographics

[edit] Saparmurat Niyazovs

Main Article: Saparmurat Niyazov

Sadly, there was only one Saparmurat Niyazov in Turkmenistan. He made our realm even more glorious! Even so, it is gloriously great and wonderful that Saparmurat Niyazov was our President-for-Life. He was the wisest, most transcendent being the world has ever known, and his sage, peaceful policies made Turkmenistan the greatest country on earth. Except for the public beatings, ethnic genocide, death camps and cattle rapings, Turkmenistan is the most peaceful country in the world. Even Marion Barry once said on visiting Turkmenistan, "hey, except for the killings and death camps and all, this place is great! They got some great smack too!"

[edit] Turkmen

Glorious Turkmen people are required to praise Glorious President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. Because of this, they are the happiest and most wonderful people on Earth when they aren't being herded into death camps, publicly beaten or forced to watch their cattle being raped.

[edit] Poultry

Free-range, caviar-fed Turkmenistani chicken gloriously service President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov's glorious economic policies.

Much of Glorious Republic Turkmenistan is wide-open, sandy desert which allows its indigenous species of chicken to roam around in free-range style. Turkmenistani nomads are shepherds to the chicken flocks.

Although most of the country's population is Turkic, there are no turkeys in Turkmenistan. On the other hand, for reasons not really known, there are turkeys but no chickens in neighbouring Turkey. This may be related to linguistic change across the Turkic language group, or maybe not. This is a matter of great debate among Linguistics scholars in universities around the world. Many Ph.D. candidates in Linguistics undertake research in Turkmenistan for this very reason.

The Caspian Sea holds great numbers of sturgeon, which yield eggs that are processed into caviar. Turkmenistani chickens simply adore caviar; and their caregivers feed it to them frequently. Caviar makes Turkmenistani chicken truly premium.

Turkmenistan is the leading chicken producer in Central Asia. Consumers abroad demand free-range, caviar-fed Turkmenistani chicken, and especially because of the high quality standards enforced by the country's strict laws and regulations that govern all aspects of daily life in the country. The Turkmenistani government takes its chicken seriously.