Turtle
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“I feel your pain little buddy.â€
~ Bender Bending RodrÃguez on turtles
“I like turtlesâ€
~ Kid on Being a Zombie
The turtle is an amphibious animal with an armored shell, an M1 helmet, night-vision goggles, an AK-47 assault rifle, a nasty disposition, and great sharp teeth a cute little tail. It also has an interesting adaptation - its ability to breathe though its asshole underneath water. All turtles possess the natural ability to shit while they eat and to close or open their assholes at will.
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[edit] Lots of Turtles
There are billions and billions of species of turtles in the world, ranging in size from the genetically engineered 90- 65-nanometer Metal-Oxide-Semiconducting Field Effect Turtle of Japan, to the thunderous fire-breathing 10,000 meter Turtlezilla, also of Japan. In fact, Japan is practically overrun with turtles of all sizes, because turtles play a vital role in the Shinto religion (which are sacrificed in great numbers to the Shinto god Turtlezilla in order to persuade him not to eat Tokyo). Turtles can also be found in masses in that Chinese store, underneath the manager's desk.
These billions of turtles communicate in various ways, mainly through groans and other bodily sounds. They speak turtlish, and have a large vocabulary. Turtle Head hehehehehehehe
But please take to note not to eat turtles because they give you bad gas
In winter, it is common for all turtles to migrate (assisted across larger bodies of water by pre-chartered cruise ships) to Switzerland, where they can be found skiing from approximately the middle of November until early April. Ordinarily, unless something goes terribly wrong, all turtles migrate to a single Swiss resort, with the location being undisclosed outside the turtle community.
Because of their trips, and the necessary cruise planning involved, turtles have become renowned as some of the best travel/vacation planners within the animal kingdom. Expedia is run by turtles, as is Travelocity. Currently, there is a large buyout in the works of Google, by turtles.
Max Green is a turtle. He's also really really gay and likes it in the butthole.( Im talking about penis') Oh and Mass Effect is gay too. Anyone who plays Mass Effect should have four penis' shoved up their butts.
[edit] Natural Enemies
Turtles, being some of nature's fiercest predators, have few natural enemies. Of this small, elite group of cyborg animals, however, is the pirate bear and of course cabbage. While most bears are docile creatures from the fish kingdom, pirate bears feed plentifully on the jewel encrusted turtles of the Mediterranean. These specific turtles provide the basic nutrients necessary to power a bear's warp core. Humans have also, at closer inspection, realized that they have one more natural enemy, the dreaded Ba Ba Black Sheep. Seeing that there are actually to ba ba black sheep not one the turtles are having a hard time surviving and some of them are almost all dead now because of them Human natural enemies are THE GUJU and this big green hotdog.
[edit] Lots of Even More Turtles
- In 1973, Stephen Hawking theorized that turtles play a major role in cosmology. His proposed model, "Turtles All the Way Down", combined an infinite stack of turtles with the principles of general relativity. Unfortunately, this theory had to be scrapped because it turned out to be totally inconsistent with godless evolutionism and the laws of quantum cheddardynamics.
- Turtle is also the title bestowed upon the champion of a "turtle match." All participants crawl into separate sleeping bags, and proceed to pass gas. The person who can put up with the stench the longest is a Turtle
- Turtles are also the surname of the Austrian royal family, comprising to the inheriters to the Hapsburg Throne. The family was initially started by the gay dance troupe the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and their incestuous latvian accountant Master Splinter. To celebrate the founding of the family, Splinter transformed into a rat (as is customary in Latvia)
- The Earth rests upon the back of a huge turtle, which in turn rests on the back of another huge turtle. Turtles-turtles-turtles, all the way!"
- Turtles are the Truth. Turtles are therefore the guiding principle of every star-fleet officer, according to Captain Picard.
TURTLES ARE DELICIOUS!!!
[edit] Cooking with Turtles
Turtles are the primary ingredient of Turtle Soup.
[edit] Turtle Soup
- 4 quarts boiling water
- 3 medium-sized potatoes (diced)
- 1 cup minced onion
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 clove garlic (carded)
- 1 pinch monosodium glutamate
- 1 liter anthrax
- 2 tablespoons arsenic
The important thing is not to use the turtle, because if you use any part of the turtle its fellow turtles will find out and they will come for you in the night. Via your sock drawer. Anyway, don't use the turtle. Instead you may substitute any kind of meat, but prime tarantula steak is best. Simmer for approximately 2 hours until the potatoes are moderately soft and the steak looks like something a human would want to eat. Serves 4. You might as well as huff the turtle while your at it by pulling it out of its shell and eating it. WARNING: Turtles may cause food poisoning.THEY WEIGH 800 POUNDS!!!!(:
[edit] How to recognise a turtle
It's like a big flat green snail, but round.
They go "peekaboo"
Usually drives a Douche Trough.
Proudly boasts about its future success, which will never be achieved under any circumstances ever.
They have hard outer shells and lead rich inner lives.
Can also be identified by asking the following question: "Are you a turtle?" If they respond with the following statement they are. If anything else is said, they are NOT a turtle "You bet your sweet ass I am!"
All turtles have two heads and sometimes, depending on the breed 10 legs
If you smash it on your head and it hurts.. it's most likely a turtle omg like becky her but is so big omg i just shit myself turtles for life they will take over the world some day u won't even know what hit u
[edit] Terrorists are Attacking Turtles!!!
Instead of bombing the train stations of London, terrorists have chosen to bomb turtles! (No one knows why). They are killing turtles, and even worse they are using their shells to make their own underwear. If you wear underwear that is made from turtle shells, you are a terrorist. The head of all the terrorists is none other that, George Bush. Yes you heard me, George Bush.
[edit] Turtles in Space
["First space turtle] Turtles live on Earth, but since their first trip to space, they have been slowly migrating to Venus, which is somehow causing Global Warming. It has nothing to do with CO2 or Acidification, its just the turtles. When they leave Earth, they make tiny turtle-sized holes in the Earth's Atmosphere, causing the sun's rays to get in better, and the sun's rays be all like "Its easier to get in yo, its like a club with no bouncers," and then thems stay here, and be a like trippin in the heat yo.
[edit] Turtles and the Meaning of life
Turtles have nothing to do with the meaning of life. They are slow and smell funny, and frighten easily, but are cute. So again, nothing to do with meaning of life.
