Turtle Washers anonymous

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“I enjoy the odd washing of a turtle. What the hell is wrong with that?!?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“In Soviet Russia, Turtles Wash YOU!”

~ Russian on Turtles. And their washers.

“Alas, I admit I had a turtle washing problem. I had to go to the Yurtle Ford Centre”

~ Pete Doherty on Turtle washing.

People have been washing turtles since the first turtles first landed on our planet 3,000 years ago. It is a relaxing event, which helps people feel more secure. But it is addictive.

In many countries if police pull you over, you will be asked to have a turtle test. If your blood level is over 0.05% turtle washed then you will be tried, found guilty, and forced to live in New Zealand. This is the worst crime imaginable to normal people. Turtle washers, on the other hand, are so sick and twisted they like it there because there are so many turtles they can wash. Every year 300,000 people worldwide die of turtle washing while driving. To combat this, the U.N formed the worldwide organisation of Turtle Washers Anonymous (T.W.A) to combat the amount of turtle-washer-a-holics.

Turtle Patches also help. The contain turtletine, the addictive substance found in the towels used to wash turtles.

[edit] The twelve step programme

On the 34th of January 1974 the T.W.A first ever meeting was held in Melbourne, Australia. Since then it tricked over 4,000,000 people to join. A key point of Turtle Washers anonymous is its 12 steps to redemption:

Step 1. Acknowledge you have had a problem with washing turtles.
Step 2. Find someone, mug them, then say sorry.
Step 4. Don't do step 3.
Step 5. Grow a moustache (ladies included), then sacrifice a cabage to the God of your choice.
Step 6. Find Little Jimmy. Wave to him.
Step 7. Buy a pirate shirt. Yarghh.
Step 8. Find Elmo and offer to pay for his suit. You know what you did.
Step 9. Apologize to any turtles you have washed before.
Step 10. Go to your room and think about what you have done. You'll be having no dinner.
Step 11. Dance. It makes your pants feel happy.
Step 12. Buy a Wiggles Album.