Tuscan Whole Milk
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Tuscan Whole Milk is considered by select scientists and consumers to be a mysterious drink with powerful healing properties. Made from milk taken from a god reincarnated as a scared cow in India and mixed with Chuck Norris's sweat in a bowl made of jesus' fingernails, Tuscan Whole Milk is a definite drink of the gods.
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[edit] The Start
In 1888, Tuscan Farms, a company based in Normal, Ontario, Canada, was hitting hard times, finding it hard selling only butter and prime-cut steak. The owners, Doug and Wilma Tuscan, and investors were worried about a possible looming bankruptcy. Stocks in America were plummeting and people were selling out. Tuscan Farms needed, as Doug Tuscan said, "a goddam shot in the arm." Maybe Doug was talking about a drug overdose. We don't really know.
By 1890, Tuscan Farms hadn't pulled out of their decline, so Doug and Wilma decided to consider what they could do. There was, of course, selling the farm. But Doug said this about the subject: "If I sell the dammin farm, I'll be dammin homeless. And I'll be damned if I go around whorin my dammin wife so I can save up for a dammin deluxe apartment in the dammin sky."
The only other option was to expand the choices of products. And that's what they did.
[edit] The Birth Of The Miracle Milk
In 1892, Tuscan Farms had switched dairy suppliers to a India-based company known as Apu's Nectar of Life from a local supplier up the road in Bobtown known as Moo-Land. (According to Tuscan Farms, about 61 per cent of all dairy came from Apu's, while 39 per cent came from their barn full of cows and one fat chick.) This greatly increased input and output, and Tuscan was making ten times the products they made before.
During the year 1895, Apu's had welcomed a new addition to the milk stables. The cow's name was "Heroopu" and was believed to be a reincarnated god.
When Heroopu was first milked, his milk tasted sweet and light. The owner, Apu Patel, said that he "nearly fainted when he tasted the wonderful milk. Allah be praised!" He also noted that Tuscan Farms, his best customer, was the only company to get the milk besides his own.
The first shipment of Heroopu's milk to Tuscan Farms was dated August 5th, 1985.
Sometime in October 1895, a time-traveling Chuck Norris appeared at Tuscan looking for a job. He was assigned the job of Milk Bottler. Chuck was happy to have the job.
The shipment of Heroopu's milk arrived at Tuscan in November 1895. Chuck was the sole bottler. There was no air conditioning in the factory, so massive amounts of Norris's sweat ended up in the milk.
[edit] The First North American Buyer
The first North American buyer, John W. Edwardo, bought his first carton of Tuscan Whole Milk on December 14th, 1895. He bought his milk, took it home, drank it, and was immediately cured of his crippling polio. He kept buying the milk and eventually gained super strength, although it was only a small amount compared to THE Norris.
[edit] Tuscan Shits Themselves With Success
Soon after, the popularity of Tuscan Whole Milk took off. Tuscan Farms moved out of the red and became very prosperous. Doug and Wilma Tuscan drank some of their own milk and stopped aging and became immortal. This secret hasn't left the minds of the Tuscans...until now (ha-ha Doug you fruity fuckin bastard!). Sales of Tuscan Whole Milk have never declined and Heroopu will never die as he is immortal as well.
[edit] Tuscan Whole Milk Today
Gristedes Supermarkets of New York now is the sole carrier of Tuscan Whole Milk after extreme negotiations and human sacrifices with Tuscan Farms. Some say Satan was the mastermind behind that move. (Shit, fuck if I know.) The prices always are $3.99 a gallon.
[edit] Reviews Of Tuscan Whole Milk
“I quit my job and now do whatever I can to get my Tuscan Whole Milk fix. ”
~ Ian Holmes on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Upon sipping the luscious liquid, I had a flashback to the wit and wisdom of former ad man and famous poet Ogden Nash who put it all so succinctly: "The cow is of the bovine ilk. One end MOO, the other MILK."”
~ EZ Going on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Just by drinking Tuscan Milk I have now developed the most amazing muscles (and that's just in my sinuses) so - with avid determination (avid doesn't know about this yet) I am sure I will be bounding with health, vitality and a massive hooter in a very short time indeed...”
~ Fantastical Terry on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Tuscan Milk. Paradise by the glass.”
~ Kevin F. Leroux on Tuscan Whole Milk
“This milk is bitchin. Once you go Tuscan you never go back!”
~ Jen on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Didst thou not pour me out like Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz and curdle me like cheese?”
~ Joey Danelectro on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Do not leave it where children can access it.”
~ Anonymous on Tuscan Whole Milk
“I drank the entire 128 fl oz in one gulp, and for the next 43 minutes and twelve seconds I could divide by zero.”
~ M. Crist on Tucan Whole Milk
“There's nothing better on a hot summer's day than a long, soothing bath in a tub of super-cooled Tuscan Whole Milk.”
~ Ken Khul on Tuscan Whole Milk
“Damn! Fuck drinking regular milk! This is THE SHIT!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tuscan Whole Milk
[edit] Fast Facts About Tuscan Whole Milk
- One gallon can run a car for a year.
- Tuscan Whole Milk can cure cancer. (Duh, dumbfuck!)
- Tuscan Whole Milk is sponsored by Chuck Norris.
- Tuscan Whole Milk is anti-sponsored by Nuck Chorris.
