Mark Twain
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| Birthname | Samuel Clemens | |
| Born | 30 November 1835 | |
| Died | 21 April 1910 | |
| Genre(s) | Historical Fiction, Nigger-Themed Fiction, Novel-Length Complaints | |
| Occupation(s) | Author, Asshole Demagogue, American | |
| Nationality | Missouri | |
“I was born cranky and cranky I shall stay”
~ Mark Twain on his own crankiness
“The man is insufferably cranky, and I love him for it”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mark Twain
“Oscar who?”
~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde
Mark "Marky Mark" Twain (born in the Twaiwan island, near China) was the real name of author Samuel F.H. "Fog Horn" Clementine Clemens. Twain is often called "The Straight, American Oscar Wilde". The 19th Century's most popular author, humorist, Scotch drinker and huffer , he was born in 1835 on the windswept steppes of Hannibal Lecter, Misery. Twain noted that he was born in a Mercury Comet, and he would die in a Mercury Comet, and that he would rise from the dead in a Mercury Comet to save you from your sins. (He was also conceived in the back of a Mercury Comet, when his mother and father went to a drive-in movie)
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] Early life
Twain was born in a small town, and he lived in a small town. He probably died in a small town, and that's probably where they buried him. Hannibal Lecter was a small town on the Mrs. Ippy River. As a boy, Mark watched the starships on the Mrs. Ippy River, and dreamed of one day being the captain of a starship. Mark was an outgoing, fun-loving boy, and often got into trouble. In school, he was the class clown. His teachers often had trouble getting him to pay attention so eventually he was expelled. Finding nothing but farm work at home, Mark decided to head west as part of the California Golden Grahams Rush.
In California, Twain attempted to make his fortune in the Golden Grahams field, unfortunately, he was not predisposed to work. Twain wisely determined that writers, and especially newspaper writers, don't have to work very hard. Unfortunately, Mark never got rich by writing in California, because most of the miners were illiterate. A keen observer of life (see Voyeur), Twain used his observations to write humorous stories, the most famous of which was "The Celebrated Kitten Huffer of Calaveras County".
[edit] The War Years
Around this time (1861) The Civil War started. War was an opportunity Twain siezed, and he enlisted in the 1860s’ equivalent of the National Guard- he never saw a lick of action, along with his long time friend and traveling companion, George Bush. After the war, Twain decided to restart his floundering writing career, and Bush went on to greater failures in government service. Taking a cue from his time in California, Twain started the band Rush, so named for the Golden Grahams Rush of '49. With Rush, he wrote his most famous work Tom Sawyer, an epic ballad of a child fence painter. His ties to the music industry, and his Canadian bandmates, led to his introduction to the stunning and gulpy-voiced Shania Shiklegruber. Shania was a young up-and-coming singer/songwriter. It was her marriage to Twain, and the subsequent name change to Shania Twain led to a record deal and worldwide fame. {He had bad diarrhoea when he wrote the book and died.}
[edit] Literary Life
The Young Twain later left Rush, but he remembered his experiences along the Mrs. Ippy, and in California. He used his knowledge of life to become one of the most popular writers on the Oprah Book Club. Some of his works include:
- The Adventures of a Hung Lawyer
- Hung Lawyer II: God I'm Huge
- Hung Lawyer III: I'm a Fucking Horse Down Here
- The Adventures of Fuckleberry Hinn
- Fuck Hinn II: Fuck Harder
- Fuck Hinn III: Fuck Hard, with a Hinngeance
- Insolents Abroad
- Prince and the Pope
- The Connectthedots Yankee in King Arthur's Court
- Life on Mrs. Ippy
- Nigger Jim? That Name sounds mildly racist! (and other hilarious short stories)
- James Fenimore Cooper Can Go Fuck Himself
- The Gelding Age (which gave its name to an era in American history in which men had no balls).
- The Well-Nestled Humping Log of the Kangaroo Country
- Cock-a-day adventure.
- Satan is Mysteriously an Angel Strangely Enough
[edit] Adventures of Huck Fuckleberry Hinn
After Twain and the editors realized that his Barbie comic was only 16 pages long, Twain's editor suggested using the word "Nigger" in excess. "You can just say it's a satire on society, and making fun of you because you read it." the Editor said. Twain took his advice and, after reading his own work, made the now very popular MAD magazine.
[edit] The Humorist
Twain is one of America's most quoted, and therefore, misquoted humorist (see also Making up Mark Twain Quotes). After his prolific writing career, he began a long speaking tour (both the tour, and the speeches were long). It was on this tour that most of his quotes became famous. He also battled Wilde and Winston Churchill in The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time. He won... according to him.
[edit] The Death
True to his word, on a speaking tour, Twain hailed a taxi, unfortunately for Twain, the cab was a Mercury Comet. The cab driver, who spoke no English, misunderstood Twain's destination of River Street to mean, the river's stream, and drove the cab off a bridge, killing Twain, but fulfilling his prophecy.
