Twinkies
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Twinkies are small, cylindrical fuel pellets consumed as food by an alarming number of civilians. They taste rather like a skunk just farted in your mouth. Originally developed by Lockheed-Martin to replace napalm during the Vietnam War, but were deemed too inhumane and relegated to the bottom of a 4,000-foot mineshaft in South Dakota. In 1977, NASA discovered the Twinkies as it searched for remnants of a crashed meteorite, and immediately put them to use as solid fuel for the space shuttle's booster rockets. However, the inherent danger of the Twinkie was again revealed in the Challenger disaster of 1986. Hostess Cakes bought the classified formula and has been peddling the concoction on the American masses ever since as a food item. Its apparent half-life of 5,730 years has led to the belief that it will last forever if properly stored; unfortunately, no one has survived Twinkie exposure long enough to prove these claims. Ingestion of the Twinkie is highly discouraged; immediate symptoms include epigastric tenderness, sensitivity to light, loss of feeling in lower back and rapid weight gain. One subject, known by the obvious pseudonym Starr Jones, gained over 100 pounds in one week of Twinkie exposure. The aforementioned Twinkies were never recovered and are presumed missing. Recent attempts to eradicate the Twinkie have been unsuccessful, and have included the Anti-Ballistic Snackfood (ABS) Treaty and the STARTSHIT (Starr Jones Treaty for the Scrubbing of High-fat Items of Take-out)
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[edit] Holy shit
Due to their obvious military development, a few, untested variations of the Twinkie have been released,into steven v's mouth though only in limited numbers. Such devices are referred to as his tiny snack. The easiest way to distinguish such a device is it's complete lack of a penis ("cream") injection ports are as follow his butthole and his vagina. These higher-end twinkies are far more unstable in terms of their volatility, and should unlike normal twinkies, be not eaten. Holy Twinkies are highly sought after by many terrorist organizations and the protection of those which are discovered must be of the utmost importance. Holy Twinkies are packaged, shipped, and sold along with normal twinkies to assure that their discovery is limited. If one non-holy twinkie is discovered it should be considered blasphemous and should be consumed immediately.
[edit] Uses of the Twinkie
Twinkies have many uses, including, but not limited to: Impact cushioning, emergency fire tender, radiation shielding, a giant dick, house alarm, condoms, and a blended energy breakfast. Other uses of the twinkie are listed here
Twinkie Research
[edit] Twinkie Abuse
In 1978 Daniel James "Dan" White murdered the Mayor of San Franciso. In his defence, he claimed that he was not responsible for his actions because he had OD'd on Twinkies. The jury accepted this plea and convicted him of manslaughter rather than of murder. He was sentenced to seven years in prison and was paroled after five. Later research, however, has shown that most subjects can eat Twinkies until the urge to vomit is uncontrollable (about one-twentieth of a regular size Twinkie) without wanting to murder politicians any more than they normally do. Persons wishing to induce temporary homicidal mania are recommended to use more effective and safer psychotropes such as flyagaric or jimson weed.
[edit] Twinkies as a Weapon
Developed by This Guy twinkies are now considered a weapon of mass destruction. They are the most dangerous in America since the number of fatties grow every second!!! And we all know fatties can't resist twinkies, and holding one up to group of fatties will put them at your command! And if you know how to use your new power over fat people well... you'll be UNSTOPPABLE!
[edit] The Twinkie Incident of 2007
Early in 2007, well-known fatty Jennifer Hudson was found passed out in her hotel room surrounded with twinkie wrappers and a half-eaten twinkie in her mouth. Through millions of your wasted tax dollars, top scientists determined that Jennifer Hudson's died by suffocating on the twinkie found in her mouth.
The media greatly mourned the loss of Jennifer Hudson. An immediate ban on twinkies was called for. However, due to their military might, this ban was immediately opposed by the government. Later, Vince Vaughn organized a televised Satanic Ritual in order to resurrect Jennifer Hudson's soul. The ritual was a success, and Jennifer Hudson was brought back to life just days before she won an Academy Award for "Fattest Actress not named 'Rosanne Barr.'"
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| Reese's Peanut Butter Cup • Hershey's Jesii and Creme • Kit Kat Bar • Airplane peanuts • Bon-bons • Bubble gum • Cheetos • Chips |
| Jelly beans * Popcorn * Pretzel * Skittles * Twinkies * Snickers * Pez |
Categories: Stub | Snack Foods | Candy
