Tyne And Wear Metro
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Where else can you Fall into the River Tyne whilst emptying your bladder in relative comfort?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Tyne And Wear Metro
“EWWWWW! Someone didn't flush this Metro!”
~ Man desperate for the loo on the Tyne And Wear Metro
The Tyne & Wear Metro (Also: The Me'ro, The Metty) is a Light Rail Network in Tyne & Wear. With 3.7 miles of track in total, it is by far the largest Light Rail Network in the World. It is also used by over 9 people every year, making it 20 times busier than the whole London Underground System!
In the past 7 years, a mere 14.5 billion people have been killed, of which 237,000 passengers were actually riding in a Metro train. This makes it the safest rail network of any kind in the world. Plans are already in place to contruct the other half of the bridge over the River Tyne. Nexus hope this will reduce the number of deaths dramatically as Metro carriages will no longer fall off the edge of the half-finished bridge.
Contents |
[edit] Design and Construction
The Tyne & Wear Metro was designed by someone. They came up with the idea after they started crashing their model trains together on his model railway set. After realising the potential for an unreliable, smelly, dangerous and suicidal way of transporting people from A to B in tin cans, they set to work building it using concrete and some left-over fridges.
It is believed that the construction of the Metro began at around 1033, and after a 1-hour lunch break at 1130, the track and the Metro trains were completed in record time by 1856. And all thanks to some ingenious corner cutting, such as not fixing the track to the railway sleepers.
Metro trains require an electric power supply in order for them to move. This is provided by a 9-volt battery and has proven to be highly cost efficient since the introduction of Uniross rechargeable batteries. Sadly, many teenagers are now prone to tresspassing onto the tracks in order to remove the battery and lick it to see if they get a shock.
[edit] Purpose
There was general confusion as to the purpose of the Tyne & Wear Metro when it was unveiled to the journalist from the Sunderland Echo. This could be related to the fact that the Journalist was drunk and projectile vomiting on the driver of the Metro.
Sunderland extension
In the early 3rd Millenium Sunderland enjoyed a metro link to Newcastle. However the line westwards from Sunderland central proved pointless so now there is only a train to South hylton on the third tuesday of a month which has an e in it. And you have to change 4 times and hitch a ride on the back of a farmers cart and then walk along the track for about 25 metres and risk being electrocuted and being bitten by a duck and then catching herpes or very possibly Bird Flu although unlikely.
Why on earth did they build it?
It was marketed as a transportation solution for Tyne & Wear, but passengers soon began to understand that it was actually an expensive and portable Public Urinal.
Claims that it was designed to help people travel from Sunderland into Newcastle were dismissed when passengers found you weren't going to get into Newcastle, because there was no bridge for a Metro train over the River Tyne. However, people who discovered this problem could not inform anyone else, as the Metro carriage they were on was heading towards the River. Rather Quickly.
[edit] Facilities
Metro Stations boast ticket machines that displayed the message "I sell tickets". Although these machines were not as fun as real people that sell tickets, because you cannot throw custard pies at ticket machines or kick them in the testes and get that same look of anger or pain that you get with a human-being.
While Metros do not contain toilets in their carriages, people are quite happy to use a seat to relieve themselves. This is the reason why the Metro has stickers that say "Please Keep your feet off the seats", because they dont want you to get poo on your brand-new Converses.
Metro Stations And Platforms are used as a Public Art Gallery. By simply turning up with a Felp-tip pen or can of spray paint, you can create a masterpiece on any piece of concrete. Due to the large amount of concrete used to constuct the Metro system, there is plently of space to create a masterpiece. More creative artists may want to create their work on one of the many concrete railway sleepers that lines all 3.7 miles of track.
Each Metro is equipped with a driver, that sometimes tells you what the next stop is, and announces it as if they want to commit suicide. It is announced in this tone of voice so that the depressed passengers do not feel like the only ones that want to slit their wrists.
[edit] Passengers
Passenger satisfaction statistics would suggest that 100% of passengers are satisfied with the quality of the Tyne & Wear Metro. This is based on the fact that Nexus have never had a complaint from any passengers. However, some have been quick to comment that no passengers that have been on a Metro journey have survived. While 97% of passengers die in the river with their feces, the surviving 3% have been quick to commit suicide. Leaving no one alive enough to complain.
Passengers using electric mobility scooters are encouraged to go as fast as they can when entering a train and continuing at full speed through the doors on the other side. The doors will break and open, allowing you to fall onto the tracks on the other side. This creates space for standing passengers during peak times. Advice on using a mobility scooter on a Metro is provided here.
[edit] Staff
Drivers of the Metro are provided with Teflon coated uniforms and knives. The knives are issued so they can take their own lives and the Teflon clothing means that the blood stains wont be a problem when it is washed. After a quick wash with Ariel, even at 30°C, the blood is gone, meaning the uniform can be passed to the next driver to die in.
Claims have been made that if you wave at a Metro driver while they are driving, they will wave back at you. This is a basic indication that the driver is not dead. Yet.
It is a little known fact that the Tyne and Wear Metro employs people who, they tell us ride the system on the lookout for people who have dodged the fare. However to the people of the northeast these are a little known group of people. In fact there are clubs whose soul purposes it is to hunt down the inspectors in order to get pictures of them performing their duties.
Other staff are paid to conduct surveys asking passengers how they would like the service to be improved. However, these people tend to lose their jobs quickly due to the fact that they cannot get any feedback because all the passengers are dead.
[edit] Level Crossing Points System
- 50 points per adult male.
- 100 points per adult female.
- 200 points if the body that is so badly mangled that their sex can no longer be visually identified.
- 250 points per pensioner.
- 300 points per child (under 18).
- 350 points if the body is so badly mangled that their age can no longer be visually identified.
- 500 points if the body is a complete mess and nothing can be deduced about their sex or age.
- 750 points per person travelling in a veichle that is destroyed.
- 1000 points awarded if the driver runs themself over while driving.
A penalty is enforced if the person that is hit actually dies. This penalty is a severe -10 points per death.
It should be noted that pregnant women are counted as both a women (100 points) and a child (300 points) and therefore gain 400 points.
Drivers can also gain double points for a hit if the head is the first part of the body that strikes the Metro carriage. Drivers are informed that they have earned double points when they hear an audible alert which says "BOOM, HEADSHOT!"
At the end of each month, the driver's points are added up and awarded as Tesco Clubcard Points because Every Little Helps.
[edit] Nexus and the Tyne & Wear Metro
Nexus is currently responsible for the maintenance of the Tyne & Wear Metro.
Metro claims that one of its plans includes: "a £500m project to modernise Metro, providing a step change in comfort and reliability for our passengers"
Many believe that this is a posh way of explaining that they will be fitting more comfy toilets seats, and also to increase the frequency of the tin-can-toilet-mobiles Metros passing by your station/level-crossing/house/brother that's just been knocked over by one because the driver was too depressed to look where he/she was going.
