Tyra Banks

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“You know what? HOW DARE YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I COME FROM, WHERE I'VE BEEN, HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOW!!!!”

~ Tyra Banks on ...oh, something she was talking about. I didn't really pay attention to the subject.

“FIERCE!!!”

~ Tyra Banks on her recent tiger attack

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From humble beginnings as a model and "singer" Tyrannosaurus 'Tyra' Banks has used her determination, massive forehead, and insight into the inner workings of the fashion industry to reinvent herself as a self-absorbed has-been who seems to delude herself into thinking she still has talent.

[edit] History

Tyra was raised in the briny deep off the coast of North Carolina. After four millenia of evolution, she walked on land and developed the characteristics of a Homo-Bonerectus.

After several years of staring at her own face in the mirror, Banks was set to begin her freshman year at the University of British Columbia when she was spotted by Elite Model Management Inc. Tyra began her modelling career clothed in saran wrap and pretending to be leftovers (the shoot was supposed to be "editorial" and "artsy" but really the photographer was just high beyond belief).

[edit] Career

Her career took off with several high profile modelling gigs, notably Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and covers for Scientific American and Crossword Puzzle Weekly. In 1994 the United Nations proclaimed her "Supermodel of the Year". Banks has done runway shows in Paris, Milan, London, Tokyo and on the Space Shuttle, and has modelled for Cover Girl, Tommy Hillfiger, Victoria's Secret, Orange Crush, Brasso, and Old Milwaukee Beer. Banks has appeared on many international magazines, including the covers of Vogue, ELLE, L'Officiel, Policy Review, Insect Trust Gazette, and the Peruvian edition of Rod and Reel.

Banks left modelling after 2000 to become the warden and executive producer of the television show America's Next Top Model, and soon surpassed Rupert Murdoch as a talentless hack media mogul.

Much to the chagrin of friends, family and unsuccessful Top Model winners, she has placed all of her financial duties into the care of her Mighty Forehead (who now controls 99% of her future fortune and current income). It also serves as her publicist/accountant/dog-walker/therapist/ego-stabilizer/BFF4L.

During her modeling career she discovered her talent for wrestling and so went into WCW, following the lead of "Ribcrusher" Naomi Campbell.

Also, little is known of her famous secret model techniques and where they are truly origianted from. The few techs she has spoken of which include the "I'm commercial and now I'm sexy" arms on waist pose and her "don't you talk back to me" Cover Girl commercial smile were taught to her subordinates on her popular reality show America's Next Tyra. However, the tech known as ~smiling wit yo eyez~ was something she had stolen from a model in a film called "2 Girls, 1 Cup".

[edit] The Talk Show

She's a crazy bitch.

After much thought, Tyra had struck a gold-mine idea: to create her own show for empty headed individuals like herself. The only trouble was deciding what kind of show it would be. She spent the better part of an elevator ride brainstorming before finally deciding to copy her mother Oprah by making a talk show.

When Oprah found out, she flew into a rage and struck Tyra with her enormous rear end. Sadly, this was during a time when she was disregarding her diet and stuffing her face with all sorts of terrible substances, even toxic waste.

Although Tyra was badly squashed from the assualt, she continued to work on her talk show, called the Tyra Banks Show for the Mentally Retarded.

Some of the many topics she covered on her show were issues like "Why am I, Tyra, better than you?" and the "I'm Not Fat, Bitches!" speech which Tyra had formulated from her most popular quote: "Kiss my fat ass!" Many other shows also consisted of Tyra putting fatsuits on people to further her theory that 'fat people are second-class citizens'.

In an effort to appeal to her wide audience of multiple-personalitied viewers [such as Danny Bonaduce and Kylie Minogue] Tyra introduced costume workshops where she would have prosthetic pieces and make-up attached to her face [although crudely before "real" special effects make-up techniques were developed in Roseanne's basement in July, 1926]. These "special make-up surprise" segments only lasted until the 29th season of the series, when Tyra finally realized that her audience didn't enjoy her coming out as a different character each day, and were only interested in her BFA [See: Big Fat Ass]

[edit] The Church of Tyra

See the article the Church of Tyra for more information

It didn't take long for Tyra's show to evolve into expressing a new religion, like Oprah's Church of Oprah, and it was even called the Church of Tyra (followers of which are called Tyrants). When Oprah found out that again she was copied, Tyra wasn't only smashed by Oprah's but but Oprah also beat her in a wall with her giant boobs without any mercy. But after Tyra came at her with her dragon-like lazer beam, Oprah ran off. Every since, the Church of Tyra has been growing ever stronger.

And now she has found the strength to only talk shit in her show and be a two face hypocritical bitch.

[edit] Personal Life

Tyra is, in fact, dating. She recently told Us Weekly, "The person I'm with is perfect. They're sexy, beautiful, amazingly smart, a great role model, the best person in the world, and extremely talented." When asked the person's name, Tyra replied: "Well, her name is Tyra, and I love her more than anyone else in the world!"