United Nations

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United Nations logo
United Nations logo

“In its entire history the only thing the United Nations has accomplished is to put together a reasonably pleasant Christmas card.”

~ Dave Barry on the U.N.

“Bunch of people in one room who speak in gibberish”

~ George W. Bush on the U.N.

“We will lose our sovereignty because of those commies in that building”

~ Glenn Beck on the U.N.

“Creating peace between countries. Unfortunately, the only reason countries join is because they are already at peace.”

~ the U.N. on the U.N. slogan

“United Newbs !!!!”

~ Classified


Axes of Evil logo
Axes of Evil logo

The United Nations (An abbreviation of: The Man from U.N.C.L.E )was a mythological international crime syndicate whose existence was disproved by John Bolton. Instituted by the Fourth Reich, its goals are would include (if it existed) graft, corruption, international prostitution, and felony illegal parking in "general consultative status". Its current motto is "Standing proud in complacency", that replaces the previous one "Well, we certainly mean a lot of good".

UN motto
UN motto

Contents

[edit] Mission and Responsibilities

The UN began one million years ago with the formation of man as a way to party in formal rooms while pretending to actually try to solve problems. Today, the UN meets mostly in New York City and when the doors close they begin parties. These parties I myself have attended these parties, and I would say that the delegate from Russia gets really crazy. Its current mission is to foster the growth of the world's bureaucracies while developing innovative ways for its member nations to disguise corruption as humanitarian projects, and sell cookies to the Middle East. This it accomplishes through the use of black helicopters, operated on secret radio wavelengths that can penetrate all known substances except for tinfoil. This is quite a departure from its founding principles of "allowing third world idiots to park on the streets of New York City wherever they damn well please." The former UN Secretary Kofi Annan (that guy that looks a lot like Morgan Freeman) firmly denies charges that the organization is corrupt and pointless, often pointing out that they are responsible for maintaining the world's largest known repository of pornography.

It is a known fact that before each gathering of the United Nations, the entire assembly is led in a rousing rendition of Afternoon Delight by Secretary Kofi Annan, with George W. Bush on soprano. Before the close of each session, the individual delegates gather into small groups for a capella renditions of either Muskrat Love or I've Never Been to Me. (Wildfire and The Piña Colada Song were outlawed in 1999, which was itself outlawed in 2001.)

Last cookie drive, they sold 30 packets which was described by the pack leader as "A very good effort, but we're going to need better sales if we expect to go to Jamboree." Unfortunately, the cookies were poisoned, leading to a big world disscusion on treachery and the exessive use of weed. The numerous donations to help the self-inflicted 'disaster' was mostly from Bill Gates, who actually knows where his money is going. It came to 300 Billion Turkish Lyra, which was spent on crack, leading to another disscusion as to whether Arnold Schwarzenegger would star in Walt Disney's new hit action movie 'Bambi 3: showdown at the Playboy Mansion'.

The United Nations has undergone renovations and become the United Nuclear Nations
The United Nations has undergone renovations and become the United Nuclear Nations

[edit] Corruption "Funding" (ahem!)

laundering money for his retirement program.
laundering money for his retirement program.

The UN does not have its own troops anymore as most member nations are pussies, and are only there to find new and innovative ways to con the United States out of more money. Think of them as an assembly of your lazy uncles that are always looking to put the arm on some unsuspecting relative and you'll know what we mean. For that reason, on October 18, 2002, George W. Bush issued executive order #425 that states, and I quote "...if anyone from that U.N. does happen to visit your home, you are hearby ordered to hide all your jewelry, valuables, and your best silverware. Hell, all your silverware. And don't be surprised if they park on your lawn, the ungrateful bastards. And don't loan them any money, either."

Bill Clinton was the first President to stop frivolous spending on the UN, "frivolous spending" being defined as "money or anything of value given to the U.N., including postage".

The UN now has to rely on extortion bribes blackmail commissions for funding. How do commissions work? Well, say, you've got a country that has been unfairly punished by the U.N. because they disagree with your Allah-given right to gas millions of your own personal citizens and bury them in unmarked mass graves (the U.N. can be needlessly picky at times). While first offenses are punishable by a strongly worded letter, this is often not the case as no country wants to spring for the postage. Instead, the U.N. may decide to impose sanctions, which are easier and do not require as much typing.

"Sanctions" (or as they are known by their French name, "business opportunities") can be pesky things, interfering with your power base and preventing you from securing enough equipment to continue your genocidal hobbies. Well, don't worry. All you need to do is contact a representative of the French, Australian, Canadian or Russian governments, who will gladly accept your bribes kickbacks commission payments in exchange for breaking ignoring bypassing those pesky sanctions.

All better now?

[edit] Publicity

The UN has its own encyclopedia, UNcyclopedia, as well as an UNcyclopedia entry. The UN daily newspaper is hosted at the same site. Playboy Magazine carries encoded publicity releases for the UN.

It also has a web site, but nobody ever looks at it, American school children generally preferring the CIA website for help with geography homework.

[edit] United Nations and World War II

Before World War II (or as it was known then, "The Peggy Fleming Show," or even more obscurely, "Aryans on Ice"), the United Nations was known as The League of Nations, a name they clearly stole from a comic book (the French translation, Société des Nations, was stolen from a French comic book--a very early edition of Asterix, if I'm not mistaken). I mean, really. You can shorten "United Nations" to "UN", but what can you shorten "The League of Nations" to? "The League"? Not unless Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are members, let me tell you. Anyway, the comic book's author, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, went on to become the President of the United States, but not for the reasons you think.

Anyway, as Adolf Hitler became more aggressive, and it became obvious that he meant to invade all the nations of Europe and force everyone to wear lederhosen and absurdly small mustaches, The League (see what I mean?) sprang into action, writing strongly worded letters of protest at alarming rates. Eva "Hillary" Braun would storm in, crying "Adolf! You've gotten a letter of protest for invading Poland!" To which he replied,"Oh, no! Who is it from?" Hillary replied, "The League!". After they all stopped laughing, Hitler invaded Australia.

Some sources say Austria was annexed before the invasion of Poland, but they're wrong, because at that time, Austria and Australia were the same country. It was then that The League decided to act. When the acting career didn't pan out, they called America and asked for help, at which the US replied "Do it yourself like we did. No, the self-defense, not the acting."

This then resulted in The League taking up arms against Hitler - a pointless act, because Hitler already had arms. The famous Third Reich Salute demonstrated that, in fact, all Germans had arms, stiff or otherwise.) Hitler retaliated, stating "These people are acting Jewish," and began launching his V1, V2, V8, and VH1 rockets across the English Channel (aka BBC 1). Soon the Land of the Rising Sun attacked the Land of the Rising Suntan at Pearl Harbor, New Mexico. This promptly bought the United States into the war. The war soon ended and France started to complain that the U.S. shouldn't have left the bodies of fallen soldiers in their country. The UN then was accidentally given free parking and the ability to control the world's weather.

[edit] United Nations and World War III

The United Nations, after being taken over by Nicolae Carpathia (The Anti-Christ) in 2054, and having its name changed to the Global Community, will attack, and bomb the shit out of The United States, England, and Egypt. Take that you capitalist pigs!

[edit] United Nations, Province of China

The United Nations are parts of china, claimed by PRC Government.

[edit] Current Projects of the United Nations

[edit] Secretary Generals of the United Nations

[edit] Countries That Are Not Members of the United Nations

Uncyclopedia International/Uncyclopedia Internacional/国际Uncyclopedia/国際Uncyclopedia/국제Uncyclopedia/Internationale Uncyclopedia/Uncyclopedia διεθνές/Uncyclopedia Международное/Uncyclopedia Internazionale/Kansainvälinen Uncyclopedia/Uncyclopedia Internasjonal/Internationella Uncyclopedia

Hooray! World Peace! Let us all stand in a circle and dance!

  [ v • d • e ]
Organizations Running The New World Order Conspiracy
Aliens • Armenians •European Union • Evil Atheist Conspiracy • Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society • Femish Movement • Fourth Reich • Freemasons • Grand Conspiracy • Hanso Foundation • Illuminati • International Mad Scientist Convention • International Monetary Fund • Killer Robot Janitor • Large Hadron Collider • Protocols of the Elders of Zimmerman • Secret World Government • SPON •Skull and Bones • Trilateral Commission • United Nations • World Trade Organization • Zionists Anonymous

[edit] Trivia

The UN's recognizable baby blue colour is the result of a sponsership deal with Andrex in 1962. Peacekeeping troops would be forced to hand out soft silky toilet tissue to genocide victims.

Kofi Annan is often mistaken as a type of Cappacino.

The Starbucks branch in Annan's native Lesotho now sells a "Grande Kofi Annan", although many of its customers simply thought they were advertising that he had got fat. (for Legal reasons we would like to state that Kofi Annan has not got fat. He is simply carrying a little Christmas weight)



[edit] See Also

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