U.S. Government (Band)

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“Don't count on any reunion tours.”

~ Hillary Clinton on a reunion of the U.S. Government band

U.S. Government was the poorly rated semi-improvisational band that was founded in 2004 and broke up in 2006. It featured all members of the U.S. government playing instruments, and Dick Cheney on lead vocals.

[edit] Formation

On a particularly rainy day in 2004, members of the United States Government were lounging around, and realized that they had a great amount of free time on their hands. “It’s a tough job being a multimillionaire,” says Dick Cheney on the subject, “all those long hours of rest and relaxation can really get to a person.” As a means of trying to fight their boredom, they decided they would entertain themselves by forming a band. And so, the next day after a 15-minute meeting in Congress in which they made some trivial, unimportant decisions about the fate of the entire Middle East, they headed for the White House’s garage, where they all chose instruments. The process of choosing instruments was extremely difficult for the blossoming band, since there were more than 300 members. George W. Bush initially wanted to play tambourine, but his lack of coordination meant that he usually missed it by several feet. He eventually decided on kazoo. Vice President Dick Cheney sung lead vocals and also played triangle. Hillary Clinton chose to play harmonica initially, then switched to drumset, then to cowbell. Eventually, the band agreed that she had no musical ability whatsoever, and so she became the band’s official nude cage dancer.

[edit] Early Sessions

The band got off to a rocky start. It became apparent almost immediately that all of the band members had drastically different ideas about how they wanted their music to sound. Most of the Democrats were in favor of strange, possibly Opium-induced noise pieces similar to those written by Yoko Ono or Seamus. Hillary Clinton’s first song featured five and a half hours of high-pitched wining, ending with a loud screech. Meanwhile, George Bush was writing much simpler “ring-around-the-rosy” type jingles. The incredible differences between the musical tastes of the band members didn’t stop them from wanting to play music.

[edit] The Whitehouse Album

After countless months spent recording music in the basement of the White House, “U.S Government: The Band” still hadn’t agreed on anything. The Democrats and Republicans simply continued writing in completely different styles of music. They never could agree on whose songs they would actually play, so one day Ted Stevens suggested: “why don’t we all just play our own songs really loudly at the same time, and try to drown each other out instead of listening to each other?” The others agreed, and the band played music in that style for the rest of their existence. They recorded one forty-five minute song they named “Stairway to Phlegm.” It featured forty-five minutes of all of the band members playing their instruments simultaneously and trying to drown each other out, all overlapped by lead singer Dick Cheney’s tuneless bellowing. They released it on their first and only album: “The Whitehouse Album.” None of the band members could agree on a cover, so they all tried to draw their own covers on top of each other. All of the cover designs overlapped each other, so the cover ended up looking like a hideous lump of decomposing, maggot-infested crap. The album was universally bashed by critics, who called it “pointless noise,” and said, “maybe if they actually tried collaborating instead of trying to drown each other out, they could actually write some decent music.” However, this did little to change the band’s style, or lack thereof.

[edit] Personnel Changes and breakup

In the election of 2006, Democrats gained control of Congress, and subsequently gained control in the band as well. They began recording a new album, that would feature Hillary Clinton’s Avant-Garde compositions, as well as a rap performed by special guest Barack Obama. However, the general public had found out about the amount of time the U.S. Government was spending writing music, and began to demand that the band break up so Congress members could work more on fixing the nation’s problems. When Hillary Clinton was asked if she thought she was spending too much time writing music, she said, “Shut up! I’m trying to finish this song!” It was getting increasingly difficult for the band to balance all the work they had to do, and they realized that they would either have to give up working in the White House and devote themselves fully to writing music, or simply break up the band. They ultimately decided on the latter, and the band broke up in 2006.