United States Army

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“I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.”

~ U.S. Army on Everything

“ARMY- Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet”

~ Marines on The Army --> Thus doesn't mean much

“Keep those fuckers away from me!”

~ Pte Tommy Atkins:Gulf War 1991

A typical U.S. Army recruiter.

The United States Army is the second largest employer of undereducated people in the world, after the Wal-Mart man. It was originally created in it's current form on January 3rd, 1885, when Will Smith required several hundred meat shields to protect him while he attacked a giant talking, walking, spider-tank in the old west. The events of this day were summarized in the recent blockbuster Wild Wild West

[edit] Will Smith and his Adventures in the Army.

Mr. Smith went on to become a leading member and recurring hero in the adventures of the army. He saved the world, along side the President of the United States, by flying a jet against an evil alien invasion force. Oddly enough, these aliens attacked on Independence Day, and this fact alone spurred Mr. Smith to single-handedly fly a stolen space ship, recovered from the [Area 51] secret military base, into the alien mothership and do all sort of cool stuff. The end result of which was him returning to the earth in time to punch out the alien leader, Roseanne.

Mr. Smith has also worked in the Special Forces branch of the U.S. Army. He worked undercover in high-class Bel-Air, a district of Hollywood, where he pretended to be a trouble youth from the streets of [Philadelphia] with a heart of gold. Eventually, his Wacky Shenanigans allowed him to secretly kill Alfonso Ribeiro, his "cousin". It was believed that Mr. Ribeiro was in fact a clone of Osama Bin Laden.

Mr. Smith received several hundred medals for his work during those years, all of which were top secret and highly classified. In fact, he was ordered to eat the medals shortly after receiving them.

[edit] A Brief History of the U.S. Army

With the exception of Mr. Smith, very little has been done with the army since it's creation. There were a few wars, possibly a couple dozen parties, and something involving a tank. None of this has impacted the world in any way.

[edit] The U.S. Army is your Friend

Here a Recent Recruitment Poster for the U.S Army that has been found offensive by the cavemen majority

Recent liberal media reports may have implicated the U.S. Army in some sort of foolishness or other. Rest assured, this didn't happen. The U.S. Army never did anything. They were out of town that day.

Some people have recently reported having seen people in military attire bursting into peoples home, screaming nonsense along the lines of "This is an officially sanctioned raid conducted by the U.S. Military with the full support of the U.S. Government, you will lay down on the ground or we will shoot you in the head with our U.S. Military weapons."

It has been scientifically proven, BY THE PRESIDENT, that this has never happened. The U.S. Army is, in fact armed only with smiles. And hugs. They could not have been responsible of the actions because they are just not that mean. They are your friends after all.

What you should be more worried about is the terrorists who did it.

[edit] The Future of the U.S. Army

Many things lay in the future the the U.S. Army and all of it's proud, non-dismembered members. There is a bake sale planned for next Tuesday. Also, some hookers will be invited. It should be a great old time.

You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... Death to Americas Enemies You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army...