United Kingdom of Britannia (and Northern Pangaea)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- You may be looking for Poland and not even know it!
| |||||
| Motto: "We used to rule you bastards", "Ou-est la gare, s'il vous plait?" | |||||
| Anthem: "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" | |||||
| {{{image_map}}} | |||||
| Capital | not leeds | ||||
| Largest city | Tesco | ||||
| Official languages | Polish, Russian, Arabic, Hebrew, Spanish, Greek... oh and English | ||||
| Government | constitutional autocracy | ||||
| -Queen | Lizzie Borden | ||||
| -Premier Mister | Gunther XVIII | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Darwinius Maximus / Harold Shipman / Maradona / Bryan Robson / Gazza | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | (from Big Brother in 1984 | ||||
| Currency | pigeons | ||||
| Religion | Pastafarianism | ||||
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
| UNAMERICAN |
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. |
“We Irish love it. No honestly - we do!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Britain
“Where? Is that near South Carolina?”
~ George Dubya Bush on Britain
“Are we for them or against them? Oh, just using them”
~ George Dubya Bush on Britain
“Don't tred on me bitches!”
~ Andrew Jackson on Britain
“Britain is the island of the Britons”
~ Captain Obvious on the UK
“Must go for some tea and crumpets with Harry Potter and the Queen”
~ Americans being hilariously original
The United Kingdom (technically a Queendom at the moment), better known as The Unified England , is the shittest country full of crapping idiots, located at the top, in the middle. The UK is a free country (actually, technically second in command of the free world, although its ceremonial role is mostly limited to making tea), which means that the police have the right to arrest and hold without evidence anyone who looks a little bit too brown to have spent the last two weeks in Magaluf. Prostitutes still have to be paid for though, more's the pity.
It is the world's richest and most influential nation, so rich in fact that over 90% of its inhabitants can't afford to live there. It became rich by stealing all that was in India and its other colonies. As a consequence therefore, most of them own houses in Spain, France and Italy too (countries in which the United Queendomers are all happily welcomed due to their famed willingness to be absorbed by new cultures and learn new languages). British housing itself is famed for its robustness, especially since 1997 when real clay bricks were first used to support the plywood and plasterboard structures. After moving into his brand new Barratt house, one of my friends lived happily for nearly 2 whole months before the water tank asploded in the attic one evening, rotting the floorboards and causing the bed he was sleeping in to fall through the downstairs ceiling and into the kitchen instantly killing the cat who was innocently napping in his basket dreaming of his breakfast which lay unharmed in the unopened fridge. A tragic tale for any nation that loves its pets and sheep (with the exception of the French and Welsh ones) so dearly. But still, there was a happy ending to the story: the excess water from the roof caused the fish-tank to overflow, allowing the goldfish to make it as far as the sewers, from where he managed to reach the ocean and live happily ever after in Bermuda (a group of islands which have nothing to do with Britain whatsoever).
According to UNICEF, the UK is the best place in the world to be a child (so long that his bed isn't in the kitchen next to the cat's basket). The United States came a close second [1] after they persuaded the nice people at the United Nations that a measure of child's happiness is in direct proportion to the number of Big Macs it consumes each year (research funded by Burger King, a group which is also accustomed (much like women) to coming second on a frequent basis).
The Queendom is now a member state of the European Union, which it often claims to have been founded 20 years after the opening ceremony. Britain's main role in this union is to pay French farmers to grow crops which nobody wants to eat (except for the Americans of course, who never stop eating), and Spanish fishermen to steal its own cod.
Contents |
[edit] History and Formation
[edit] Early History
Despite mythological claims of earlier civilizations, tribes, and tea ladies (all of whom got on together famously if the folklore is to be believed), it is widely accepted that the first discovery of Britain was made when God (AKA. Herschel Godstein, That Guy and Tom Cruise) was making the Earth. He decided to make the world a balanced place. In the UK he placed some cultured and intelligent beings and called them British (Later this effort would be undermined by Hitler during the Third World War when he attempted to oversupply Britain with Baseball caps. The result was a terrible chav infestation which may swamp the country next Tuesday) However one of the angels was looking at Earth v2.3 and decided that God's theory was not so. "God" he said "Surely its not fair and balanced that all people are like the British" "They're not" God replied "You should see the greedy fuckers that I've put in the Americas" This joke caused so much controversy with its subtle wit that the gluttonous bitches decided to take the Great from Britain and due to their obesity, sunk Atlantis on the crossing of the pond. However once over the other side, their corpses solved the problems created by the Irish Potato Blight. y=5667
Soon after the introduction of freedom came the great depression (a period of drought during which it never stopped raining), and so job creation schemes were introduced to remedy the situation. Allotted tasks included teaching the native Islanders to pick up a 'football', force people to eat pumpkin and beef jerky, and to paint squirrels grey. The less harmful of these ideas were kept as part of the Islands' traditions if only to keep the American invaders quiet and discourage them from saying 'yeeee-haaaaa' a lot. The native peoples found their own ways of creating jobs, and with the help of gold, John Maynard Keynes will achieve full employment any day now, a goal not yet achieved by most modern countries
Formed in 1706 with the Magnum Cart (not only a refrigeration unit on wheels designed to store delicious frozen confectioneries for wholesale purposes, but also), an Act of Union which politically united the nations of Scotland, Wales, Ireland and the other one, the United Kingdom has proudly embraced the tradition of enforcing the spread of democracy, culture and language upon unsuspecting far away peoples. These practices of good will and selfless altruism still continue to this day. goal not yet achieved by most modern countries
[edit] Welsh Accession
The creation of the United Kingdom was a gradual process, spanning three centuries, starting in 1284 during the annual Welsh "North - South Scrummage". The traditional Rugby ball shaped pigs bladder was inadvertently kicked over the border into English territory. A debate ensued, and it was decided that Jones ap Jones, of the illustrious Jones the Ball-Getter family should journey into the English lands to ask for the return of the ball.
After meeting with the Englishman "William the Total-Bastard", it was agreed that the ball would be returned only if the entire Welsh nation closed their eyes for five minutes while it was being returned.
When the Welsh people opened their eyes, they discovered that their whole country had been nicked, and that William the Total-Bastard had not in fact NOT earned his name as a result of an unfortunate family circumstance in his early life.
[edit] Scottish Accession
Scotland joined the Union in 1707 when a dispute arose during the bi-weekly "See how far you can throw a Haggis into England" competition.
King James the Last of Scotland threw what would have been a record breaking distance, had the haggis not have been returned straight away during the inaugural English "Throw the Haggis back at the thieving Northern Tossers" competition.
Incensed at the attitude of the Southerners, and mightily pissed off at narrowly missing out on the all-you-can-eat haggis buffet, King James the Last assembled his army and began the great invasion of England.
The reason that the Great Invasion is not mentioned in many school textbooks these days is because King James, still very much drunk after his night of revelry, actually headed North and invaded his own country, decimating the local population.
After the English had stopped laughing, they stepped over the border and captured the enemy city of Edinburgh, little did they know, King Jame got sober quick and took London. So, they settled on a truce and shared Britain 50/50.
[edit] English Accession
England was officially founded in the 8th century AD, when a group of geographically challenged settlers from the Germanic state of Saxony headed "East".
The idea of a united kingdom incorporating the whole of the British Isles very much appealed to the English people. After trying and failing for many years to entice the surrounding Celtic nations to join in a great union, the English decided to resort to trickery and cunning to create their dream nation.
To bring this about, they employed the services of the great Swedish trickster "Sven Klever-Kuntson".
Although moderately successful (he managed to bring about the accession of the Welsh and Scottish, which is amazing really, considering the five hundred year time difference), he failed completely when it came to the Irish question.
This is usually attributed to the fact that no-one could understand the Irish question, as it was slurred and in a peculiar accent.
[edit] Modern History
Britain was first opened at Christmas 1972 as the 51st state of America by the Merlin Entertainments Group. Its main attraction being badly controlled realistically dangerous explosions coming from underground train stations. After a close referendum in 2003 where the voting public chose by a 100% to 99% margin not to become the 51st US State under the official name "The United States of Great Engur Land (featuring Scotland)", the UK agreed to a dubious compromise with the US. The agreement stated that the UK would enter the Iraq War (Part II)TM as allies of the US, in return for not being invaded themselves. Apparently one Tony Blair took the phrase "if you're not with us, you're against us" quite literally, and until the day he finally ran away was hoping that his mate George would help him conquer France. Unfortunately, George had problems of his own by that time, and as a compromise to the original compromise decided that Tony could have the Olympics instead.
Perhaps one of the Queendom's chief exports is that of comedy (not that frequenters of this site could ever comprehend such a concept). The British (a word sometimes subdivided into two consecutive syllables - "B-ritish"), are famed for their dryness in this regard. Apart from the obvious advantage of sheltering the native inhabitant from the rain, communication by such means also guarantees a secure method of information-sharing which is incomprehensible to nosy Americans with oversized ears and bellies. The Germans called this method of communication an Enigma. The B-ritish call it sarcasm. Great B-ritish comedians such as Jim Davidson, Les Dennis and Michael Barrymore exhibit none of the above mentioned Enigmatic skills, and of them all John Prescott came closest to the mark when he subtly punched a passer by in the face on live TV.[2]
While 12 out of 10 doctors affirm that the United Kingdom is indeed the exact mathematical equivalent of Britain, in 1994 this premise was proven to be untrue (source: Scottish Journal of Scientific Proof). Currently there is controversy as to which counties and countries actually constitute the United Kingdom. The Great Administrative Post Office Cock Up of 1974 didn't help. A number of contested boundary changes have also fallen into the realms of illegible legal turmoil. However, despite the similarities in tonal speech, IQ levels, and salaries, it is a generally accepted international rule that Swansea no longer holds any legal jurisdiction over India (except on Tuesdays and 6 other randomly chosen days of the week).
[edit] Media
Rupert Murdoch owns every single newspaper and media outlet in the UK and it is commonly reported in his crypto-Nazi press (see The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Financial Times) that Polish immigrants outnumber UK-born people 7 to 1. This is not in fact true, as the total immigration to the UK last year (adjusted for seasonal mean) consisted of a packet of gravlaks bought at an Enfield branch of Ikea.
In the UK, a fag is a cigarette, and a sailor is a homosexual. Readers of The Daily Mail are commonly referred to as: crypto-Fascist goosestepping arseholes (or just wankers). An Arse is an "Ass"
[edit] Sports
The Only sport the English play is football (of the round ball variety), except when swimming, playing rugby, cricket, polo, golf, field-hockey, darts, snooker and that perennial favourite, fox hunting, which the retarded government created when posh people were being snapped up by foxes. Unlike the Americans, they tend to play sports which at least a few other nations (even France) play too, thereby meaning that they don't automatically become world champions at everything (surely that should read 'anything' - Ed). Despite this, England recently came a close fifty-sixth position in the world urban archery title, a sport where the aim to shoot a teenager in the street wearing an attire of a hoodie and scarf and using a BMX to close in on your targets. The British Teenage Pram Pushing Squad however has been doing remarkably this year. A Victoria Beckham has acquired 4th place, following closely by George Bush.
[edit] Comparison
- Calling the United Kingdom Britain is the correct terminology to give the PC Brigade headaches.
- The only thing united about the island is Manchester and even they are divided in two (and Sheffield, who don't like west Ham, unless you support the owls).
- It must be noted that the United Kingdom is not to be confused with the Untitled Kingdom, which is a fairly common mistake.
- Europe calls the country The United Kingdom of Great Britain as they know Britain will only kick their asses again if they don't show respect!
[edit] Language
English lanuguage and all other dialects like Old English, Queen's English (because she's the only one that speaks it anyway), Chav and Cockney all derived from French, Latin and most of all, German and what's the thanks that Germany get? Correct - The English people give them two world wars and one world cup (final) and Germany lost all of them.
[edit] International relations
The UK, during the 1970s, slowly became the Euro province of Das Splendit Izolation. The main aim of this was that residents of Kent wouldn't have to smuggle back alcohol and other illegal contrabrand from Frengland (the area of Northern France surrounding the entrance to the Channel Tunnel - also known as "Le Department des Hypermarkets Where You Don't Need To Speak French To Buy Cheap Lager") and to give Londonders somewhere to buy holiday homes that isn't Yorkshire or Cornwall.
Despite this however, the UK opted out of full EU membership so that we didn't get to play with Monopoly money like the rest of Europe and retained the privilege of giving the banks a cut every time we need money to spend abroad. This unique standing also allows Britain to remain the USA's "loyal ally" (LOL kk sure) whenever the oil millionaires in the White House decide that they want to have another crack at spreading American imperialism (i.e. McDonalds) to the masses and need an "international" fig leaf, or when they just fancy a spot of the old Darjeeling, whatwhat?
So far the loose morals displayed by the current government's foreign policy have narrowly averted a nuclear war between the US and the middle east (or west depending on the map) - primarily because the Americans are better at obliterating their own allies then hitting innocent Iraqis with AK47s and battered Soviet tanks. However, as China and India overtake the US in their campaign for world domination, many Britons are starting to lose confidence in the government; some consider that the country should now whore itself out by the hour to the Asian economy instead.
Of course, anyone with a hatred of England have long since left the country to live in the converted area known as Europe, mainly in France, due to the huge language problems that now exist in the Un-United Kingdom because of the failure of people from outside london to speak like someone off Eastenders.
It is believed that over 80% of the population are 'Merkins with no idea of where they are but are pleased to be the Landing Strip for the good 'ol U S of A', itself ruled by an alien which can be seen from his lack of command of the American English Language.
Those left, who still have a moiety of their own marbles are still amazed by the lack of any weapons of mass destruction and the 'shock and awe' pictures in Iraq. The general feeling is that even a stupid pair of governments could have at least placed some weapons of mass destruction in the fields of Iraq and then claimed that they had been found. After all these were manufactured and sold by the UK, so who could have been surprised that they were made in the United Kingdom of America.
In terms of international relations, the UK is the withered old uncle of the USA, the grandfather of Soviet Canuckistan, the f**kin' lucky country, mate and Lew Zealand, mother of Zut Effriker (along with deadbeat dad the United Kingdom of Stroopwafel Vendors), estranged former brother-in-law of France, an uneasily reconciled cousin of Germany, and father of The Chuckle Brothers.
[edit] National Anthem
Since reinforcing its security police, the United Kingdom has been preparing to adopt a new anthem. The new anthem is already decided on, and will be officially adopted when the program of equipping surveillance cameras with loudspeakers is complete in London.
The new National Anthem reads as following:
- Unbreakable Union of Scotland and Wales
- The England has welded forever to stand!
- Created in struggle by will of the Police,
- United and Safe our Sovereign Land!
- CHORUS:
- Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
- Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
- Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
- From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
- Through tempests the shadows of Safety have cheered us,
- Along the new path where great Blair did lead,
- Be true to the people, thus Our Queen has reared us,
- Inspired us to Labour and Valourus Deed.
- CHORUS:
- Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
- Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
- Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
- From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
- Our police grew up in the War of the Terror,
- Liberal invaders we'll quietly strike down.
- Vigilant, the fate of the future we'll settle,
- Our country we'll lead to eternal renown!
- CHORUS:
- Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
- Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
- Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
- From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
LONG LIVE TEH UNITATED KINGKAM!
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
Her Majesty's displeasure and one may be
well advised to consider judicious editing.
[edit] National Religion
It is commonly accepted that the Hedgehog is Sacred, this is because they can drink UHT milk (And not die shortly afterwards) and can outrun a Morris Oxford. Other religions include sunshine (constant prayer for it to come out). Rain is considered the devil and bad luck!
The British have an unfortunate tendency to worship the sun as a god, on it's rare appearances from the naturally grey skies with fire and light, and yea, shall wax wroth mightily upon the un-suncreamedeth nose
[edit] The Hurricane and The Earthquake
In January a huge huricane swept through the UK and wreaked havok casuing thousands of pounds worth of damages, the cause of this was due to Cherie Blair opening her mouth and making a public speech. The results can still be seen today and will take years and years to put right. The Earthquake occurred in February and the cause is yet to be identified. British PM Gordon Brown stated that it was Jade Goody getting out of bed and running to the toilet.
[edit] Plans for the future or Hackneyed References to 1984
After expanding the closed circuit system throughout all the Great Britain, inside people's homes, installing Telescreens and loudspeakers and giving the police a "shoot first, have a party and if anyone remembers this a month later, ask questions" policy, the UK government decided they will adopt a single party system and change the name of the country to Airstrip one, because they want to "sex it up". Critics claim this idea isn't new, but the government had postponed it because communism unexpectedly fell and they didn't have a reason to enforce "security measures" anymore. Luckily the U.S. started this war on terror thing and now they look at the future with glee. Citizens of the U.K. currently await for what the future reserves, but are sure it will be doupleplusgood.
Bearing in mind that the few citizens left who remember food shortages or have not been killed by the National Health Service or various man made diseases such as the 'Bird Flu' now prevalent in the incestuous east, want out, oh so badly. The future will prove the reason for UK warming as the whole island is being slowly towed towards the Cuban/Floridian part of the USA and those in the know have been quietly changing their outdated currency to US greenbacks for this very special moment when they will be received into the bossom, silicon or natural of those who had the very good fortune to leave the country in the 1700's. God Bless George Shrub!
[edit] References
[edit] See also
- British Line of Succession
- UK centre for prostitution, heroin marketing opportunities and prostitution studies
- Prostitution in England
- Parliamentary Reform in Britain
- United Kingdom of Great England feat. Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland,British Commonwealth
Barmy British Stuff | Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
| Countries the US of A is Ruled by |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Us ~ Canadia ~ Canada ~ South Africa ~ Brits / Posh People ~ United Kingdom ~ Mexico ~ USSR ~ Nuclear Testing Grounds ~ Sri Lanka ~ Seychelles ~ North Korea / South Korea ~ President's Home ~ Hell ~ Communists ~ Down Under ~ Feisty Brits ~ Weird Name ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barstuds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (Well Duh) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ Sheep Fuckers ~ United States of America ~ The Island ~ Hitler's Friends ~ Naziland ~ Oscar Wilde ~ Jamaica ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ing Terrorists ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Birthplace of the Jesii |
