Constitution of the United States
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“TL;DR”
Written in the late 18th century and named after a frigate in Boston harbor, the United States Constitution is the root of all modern problems, when asked people said that it was "too communist."
This document, supposedly a "living document" is the government's mandate to take over your free will. It clearly allowed the government to control your liberties and your freedom, as well as urging common protection and outlining a system of oppression for the people.
The "Judicial" branch of the government is there to judge the people and their actions, limiting freedoms as they see fit, their only guidelines being this document itself, and their television ratings. They are strongly encouraged to reach the same decision as the studio audience.
The "Legislative" branch is given carte blanche to restrict our freedoms, determining criteria for throwing people in jail, and going to war with those who do not see things as we do. Since most of the legislative branch are hayseed bumpkin types from little butt hole towns like Boston, they haven't figured out what the hell carte blanche means, much less figure out how to use it. As it turns out, the U.S. legislature, also known as Congress is spared from doing much useful work at all by, among other things, outrageously earnest congressional fellow types, who leap at the chance to give a Kansan representative a blow job.
The "Executive" branch, while carrying the least direct power of the three branches, still enjoys considerable power of its own. The Executive branch in the U.S. consists of the President and his gang of backslapping cock-yankers. They have cool secret bunkers and two jets, prosaically known as Air Force One and Air Force Two. There is also the small matter of the ironically named intelligence agencies, the army and a pretty spanking bedroom. AMERICA is known as the obese nation.
Contents |
[edit] History
Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Barney the purple dinosaur, Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Paul Bunyan, George Clinton, bill clinton and the p-funk allstars, Martha Stewart, Goku, Various Pokemons, and a a New York Times reporter (to give the convention legitimacy) were among the singer/songwriters/signers/models of the constitution. The group assembled in Nagshead, North Carolina on Junical 53 in the Year of the Triangular Hat for the first Constitutional convention. Others were in attendance but their names have been lost to a possibly deliberate coffee stain. Most think that was because of an accident. Archaeologists tend to differ, believing these other attendants were in fact gigantic monster talking chickens and have found numerous skeletons, to back up these claims.
The convention began with a three hour non-stop blood orgy. They ran about knocking into each other, flailing their arms and torsos, and falling down quite a bit. Finally, Cap'n Crunch found the light switch and ended the hellish experience. When the room was finally illuminated, they realized they were in the bathroom of a Wendy's restaurant and decided to move the convention to a place where they could all drink a whole lot of Robitussin. The constitution was written on a tampon wrapper and would have been signed into law the same day, where it not for a game of Russian roulette that culminated in the decapitation of 12 of those present, after a shotgun was used in place of a pistol.
[edit] Amendments
The Bill of Rights was tacked on a little later to make it sell better in the soft cover edition. Its additions were as follows:
- 0Amendment - Rich white people shall rule over us, because we are too dumb to rule our future.
- 0.5 Amendment - All citizens have the right to possess, carry, use, and wear the limbs of most species of bear (excluding the koala).
- +1st Amendment -- it is the duty of all congresses to impose letters of marque on all landlocked countries, and for navies to actively engage in maneuvers against said landlocked countries. Especially Romania.
- 1st amendment - All men are equal, but some men are more equal than others.
- 1.5 amendment - All citizens have the right to possess, carry, use, and wear the limbs of most species of bear (excluding the koala)
- 2nd amendment - All white man is allowed the security in possessing a gun for sporting activities, self protection, and keeping america Red Necked, White Skinned, and PURE. YEEHAW!, makes Mein Kampf the National Book.
- 3rd amendment - An Agent of the State shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house of his choice, his needs and desires to be of paramount priority, with or without the consent of the Owner; and in time of war, he may call up any able-bodied man to fulfil any duty therein and fight to the death for his Honor.
- 4th amendment - The right of the people to be secured by the State in their persons, houses, possessions, and effects, in the form of biweekly searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and the people bear full responsibility to commit themselves to their property, to be held accountable for all actions thereof, as they submit themselves to the State, exchanging liberty for security.
- 5th amendment - All persons suspected of a capital, or otherwise infamous crime shall be held to answer thereof, unless possessing a pardon or immunity from the State, except in cases where such persons are sanctioned by the State, for which they shall be granted immediate immunity; in cases arising in agents in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger, a person unrelated thereof, selected by dice or by recommendation, innocent or otherwise, shall be indicted in lieu; so shall he subject for such offense be put in jeopardy of life or limb for as many times as required by law; so shall he be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, if applicable, and be deprived of life, liberty, or property, if so be the judgment of the State; so shall private property be taken for State use, without just compensation, should the State deem it necessary, except in cases where such persons are sanctioned by the State, a person unrelated thereof, selected by dice or by recommendation, innocent or otherwise, shall be indicted in lieu; so shall he subject for such offense be put in jeopardy of life or limb for as many times as required by law; or otherwise infamous crime shall be held to answer thereof, unless possessing a pardon or immunity from the State, except in cases where such persons are sanctioned by the State, for which they shall be granted immediate immunity; a person unrelated thereof, selected by dice or by recommendation, innocent or otherwise, shall be indicted in lieu; so shall he subject for such offense be put in jeopardy of life or limb for as many times as required by law; a person unrelated thereof, selected by dice or by recommendation, innocent or otherwise, shall be indicted in lieu; except in cases where such persons are sanctioned by the State; in cases arising in agents in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger, as they submit themselves to the State, exchanging liberty for security. (It is often thought that Ben Franklin had a stroke while writing this amendment).
- 6th amendment - In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall suffer the right to a lengthy and prodigal trial for which he shall pay all expenses, by a jury appointed by the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation, if necessary as judged by the State; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have optional process for obtaining witnesses in his favour at the discretion of the State, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence, for which he shall pay all expenses.
- 7th amendment - In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy in civil matters shall exceed two cents, the right of trial by jury shall not be preserved, and all facts tried by a jury, shall be promptly ignored and discarded in any Court of the United States, in a manner fitting to the rules of the common law; Congress shall make no law restricting the liberty of the persons involved to bring punishment upon those against whom the civil matters press.
- 8th amendment - Excessive bail shall be required every time; and so shall excessive fines be imposed at the discretion of the State's agent; and so shall cruel and unusual punishments be inflicted, if so the State deems reasonable.
- 9th amendment - The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed to deny and disparage rights not yet suppressed by the State.
- 10th amendment - The powers not delegated to the people by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, may be abridged, confiscated, and restricted by the Federal entity.
[edit] Other Amendments
- 18th amendment - The manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors within, the importation thereof into, or the exportation thereof from the United States and all territory subject to the jurisdiction thereof for beverage purposes is hereby prohibited. America hangs out in parking lots on Friday nights, asking Canada to buy her a six-pack.
- 21st amendment - The Constitution turns 21. Everybody drinks.
- 22th amendment - Any person capable of being elected as President of the United States is unfit to serve as President of the United States (at least more than twice). This Amendment was adopted in 1951 in response to public reaction after Franklin Delano Roosevelt's record four terms as President. FDR's inability to escape from the United States Cabinet bored the American public and provided poor odds for the bookmakers who traditionally took bets on presidental succession. Similarly, in response to public reaction, there is movement afoot for an amendment to the 22nd Amendment to provide for a minimum I.Q. requirement for election to the office of President. An I.Q. of at least room temperature is the standard most often supported. Still, a disagreement exists between measuring temperature in Fahrenheit or Celsius. If measured in Fahrenheit, there is doubt that any citizen could reach the minimum requirement.
- The 24th Amendment abolishes prisons, setting all prisoners free
- The 25th Amendment - The Artificial Inteligence amendment
- Numba 26 - Congress was nice enough to give themselves raises. Fun.
- 27th amendment - Any law, varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect immediately, as a means of cost-of-living adjustments.
- 28th amendment - Where as here as there shall be none of you guys wearin clothing and all that stuff.
- 29th amendment - Hey also you guys don't gunna bath yourselves no more I reckin'.
- 30th amendment - I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING!! I WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA ME MINE MINE'
- 31st amendment -
Unlegalized in 2006 and a half by George W. Bush to prevent any recreation of the War of Jenkins Ear by Civil War Reenactors. - 32nd amendment - Banned any creation of a 31st amendment.
- 33rd Amendment - Outlaws freedom.
- 34th amendment -
The transportation or importation into any State, Territory, or possession of the United States for delivery or use therein of Iceland, in violation of the laws thereof, is hereby prohibited. - 35th Amendment - Scientists are never wrong. If you think they are, you are.
- 36th amendment -
The manufacture, sale, or transportation of Iceland, the importation thereof into, or the exportation thereof from the United States and all territory subject to the jurisdiction thereof is hereby forbidden. - 37th amendment - All documentaries shall henceforth be described as "harrowing."
- 38th amendment - All future elections must be observed and validated by the UN secretary general, except ones at weekends, and after nights out when he gets wasted.
- 40th Amendment -bans reabilitation for crimminals.
- 42nd Amendment - The ultimate answer to life the universe and everything.
- 44th Amendment - The official "American" pastime is hereby changed from Baseball to panic over Global Warming
- 55th amendment - The Nothing Happened amendment. Struck record of civil war and slavery in the United States.
- 138th amendment - The Flag Burning amendment.
- 156th amendment - Neither Men of Light nor Muppets shall hold the Office of the President.
- Your Mom Amendment- Your mom jokes are officially forbiden
- The 465th Amendment- I amended your mom!!!!!
And the most recent amendment, added on July 3rd 2005, is:
- 1337th amendment - If leet is used when killing, it is legal.
- The 1338th amendment - The United Spades of Amerika is hereby devolved to its historical leaders, The Quebequian Mongeese of Canadia
- The 1339th Amendment - the USA can be lost on a game of Tiddlywinks
- the 5874th Amendment - the USA is hereby allowed to own your mother, even if your not a citizen.
- the 6000th Amendment - seeing this is the 6000th amendment, there is a cause for celebration, all citizens must drink wine and smoke pot
- the 6001st Amendment - all federal officials shall be required to capture and make record of the capture of any weapons of mass destruction found within the White House
- the 6002nd Amendment - the purchase and sale of illegal chipmunks in all states west of the Mississippi river is illegal
- the 6015th Amendment - All Presidents named George W. Bush shall be required to college classes in English before being able to resume their position as President
- the 6016th Amendment - Endless repetition of the 465th Amendment
- 6017th Amendment - All your base are belong to us.
- 6018th Amendment - I'm in yer capital, amendin yer konstitution!
- 9000th Amendment - All powers levels are to be read as over 9000!
[edit] Exeptions
The Constitution of the United States must be followed under all circumstances, unless:
- You don't want to
- It's rainy
- You cannot afford it
- It's Tuesday
- You forget
- Naked
- You travel back in time, and kill yourself
- Your name is Paul, Jesse, George, dubbya, and/or Bush.
- You are a celebrity, rich, or Christian.
- You understand English (sorry Dubya)
- You're from another planet
- You suspect a government conspiracy (in which case, you are absolutely right and a SWAT team will shortly be on its way.)
- You are a member of the United States government.
- You are in prison
[edit] Stuff that is not in the united states constitution
[edit] Outlawing slavery
The us constitution contains not a single word making actual slavery illegal. This fact always induces belly laughs in the rest of the world when americans yammer on and on about their country being the best and freest in the world, despite haviong practised slavery for 200 years. As one can gather by the existence of a fugitive slave law, the first business of the US is not freedom, but property.
[edit] Outlawing the outlawing of Abortion
Some people feel that the US constitution guarantees a person's right to abortion and privacy. This also is hilarious, considering that it never guaranteed the right of slaves not to be enslaved.
See: Slavery in the USA: Jesus, are these people bronze-age lunatics, or what? Did you know that they actually had slavery, almost within living memory, a state of affairs where one man would outright own another?
[edit] The Defense from Marriage Amendment
The Defense of Marriage Amendment, would require an intelligence test before anyone could get married. Anyone failing the test would not only be barred from ever getting married, but would also be compulsorily sterilised for the good of the human race.
Geb Rosehug, an outspoken gay advocate of the Amendment, said "This may seem harsh, and I'm not completely opposed to morons' rights, but I can see no reason why they should be allowed to marry in mockery of us, and also produce moron children. After all, intelligence - and stupidity - is hereditary. Think of the children!"
The Amendment is expected to receive overwhelming support from states such as California, but Kentuckistan is likely to prove obstinate.
