US County Quarters Program
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“I swallowed so many quarters once, a soda machine asked me out for dinner. What? No, swallowing quarters can't make you hallucinate!”
~ Oscar Wilde on quarters
The US County Quarters Program is a series of commemorative quarters that the United States Mint will begin to release in 2009, immediately after the State Quarter program has run its full horrific course.
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[edit] The end of the road?
Early in 2007, it began to dawn on the officials at the US Mint that the State Quarter gravy train cannot last forever; the seemingly endless supply of states is turning out to be far more limited than first assumed. Realizing the gravity of the problem President Bush began to push emergency legislation through Congress in a desperate attempt to streamline the statehood admission process so that several hundred more states can be added to the Union as quickly as possible. However, the President was recently shocked and dismayed to learn that every single one of the world's smaller political entities are either (a) already spoken for and/or (b) loathes and despises the United States with such an overwhelming passion that they can barely restrain themselves from declaring war against America (assuming that they already haven't done so). No additional states were forthcoming, period. (On a lighter note, uppity statehood advocates from the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico were quickly told by the Bush administration to shut the hell up.)
[edit] A Brilliant Idea is born
Suddenly, when all seemed hopeless, a ray of light shone upon the gloomy situation. A minor US Mint office clerk (coincidentally the same person who designed the worthless Susan B Anthony metallic slug before legally changing his name in embarrassment) made the following stunning proposal: “Hey, let's do counties next! Plenty of those, right? Right???”
[edit] A Bold New Plan for the Future
Under the new plan, the US Mint will begin issuing new quarter designs based on every single individual county in the United States (District of Columbia and Puerto Rico excluded), in reverse alphabetical order (the county's resident state name to act as a tie-breaker) at the rate of five per year, starting in 2009 with Ziebach County, South Dakota, and ending in 2638 with Abbeville County, South Carolina. The final evaluation and selection of each Quarter County design will be based on originality, arcane masonic symbology, and abject silliness from each set of submissions. The designer of each winning entry will receive a lifetime supply of worthless Sacagawea metallic slugs.
[edit] External links
- The Onion's hilarious parody (4 May 2005) of this very article (16 April 2005)
