United States Navy
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“If it weren't for the Navy, I wouldn't be the gal I am today”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Navy
“...Its long, hard, and filled with semen.”
~ Austin Powers on the USS Kittyhawk
“Don't drop the soap.”
~ Mike Meade from the Army on U.S. Navy
The United States Navy, in short USN, or in German; Das Scheisse Boot, is the branch of the Jesusland Forces responsible for conducting Naval Operations, naming one of its Aircraft Carriers after the current President in office, and for the accommodation and well-being of gays who are cruelly rejected by other armed services. It is not to be confused with their straight cousins, the Royal Navy and Elton John's underpants. The U.S Navy currently numbers nearly 300,000 men and more men on active duty or reserve. Sadly, these numbers are dwindling due to problems with reproduction and fertility.
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[edit] History
The U.S Navy was founded in 1775 when Congress, a cheap and pirated version of Parliament that is so called only to avoid copyright laws, authorized the building of "...A public house for the dispencement of malted liquors, 2 miles South of the Hudson River...". One bright spark also suggested that they should authorise the building of warships to break the British blockade of Boston; pointing out that the fine German lager that they wanted had to be imported, and that they could not import cargo if the British fleet blasted them sky-high before they could unload the shipment, and also, that Budweiser had not yet been invented. Ultimately, the plan was in vain, since King George was in fact the King of Hanover, Germany, and there were 20,000 Kraut soldiers fighting in America for the Crown (FOR the Crown, not to be confused with: For ownership of the Crown). Congress speedily agreed that the enemy wasn't anticipated to be giving them any beer, any time soon and also, that picking a fight with the Royal Navy is about as sporting as a British Bulldog fighting off an over- ambitious earthworm. The U.S Navy was instead relegated for use as a home for gay people, with intent to foster unity between the men, a tradition whose roots are still evident today. Only one ship, the USS Rainbow Warrior, was ever built (in October 1775), and although it was hardly a Navy, it is still considered to be the foundation of the U.S Navy and a turning point for the Gay Civil Rights/Fashion Movement. The U.S. Navy's motto; "Don't tread on me" is attributed to Benjamin Franklin, after numerous occurrences in which the Continental Congress had proceeded to walk over him, as he sun-baked on the grass outside Philadelphia , to which he said "...Don't tread on me!!! I swear! Do it one more time, and I'm going to tell the British about Thomas Jefferson's little secret...". It was later thought that perhaps if U.S ships had a sign with similar message, then perhaps people would stop treading on the newly tarred decks of the ships. John Paul Jones, considered the creepy uncle of the modern U.S. navy, was once caught having sex with a sailor. When confronted with the scandal of having sex with men, Jones replied " I have not yet begun to have sex with men."
Currently, the U.S. Navy is mostly composed of an undisclosed number of pigeon powered ships that serve primarily in the Pacific Ocean. In addition, the Navy currently has three aircraft carriers that act as nuclear deterrents against Iran, France, Iraq, China, and North Korea. Ships that are expected to be built in the near future include the DDX project, the Navy's ambitious plan to design a stealth destroyer able to destroy continental shelves and sink renegade countries into the ocean, and an aircraft carrier named after the current president. President Bush has implied that he would not be averse to using these weapons in case of a diplomatic faux pas. In a show of force, Admiral Ackbar carried out the president's orders and launched an aircraft carrier into Kilchu, North Korea, on October 9th, 2006. Through secret diplomatic channels, Ackbar was able to shift blame for the explosion to the North Koreans themselves. Kim Jong Il declined to decline to comment instead saying that it was in fact him that destroyed Kilchu in a display of his military might, and that he would destroy it again if he so pleases. Kevin Rudd, when asked of this development replied: "These explosions aer the cause of the government's policies.." When asked about his own policies, he replied "We will not be taking a policy similar to that charade of a Howard administrion" When asked about how he intended to fix the situation he replied: "By taking a policy adverse to that of the government.." In response to a qeustion about what he had for breakfast, the opposition leader replied: "A non Howard Administration Policy..."
[edit] Organization
The US Navy is administered by the Elton John fan-club, led by Kim Beazely, this helps you understand that Navy is an abbreviation for (Need Any Vasoline Yet?) The head of the US Navy, and commander of the first fleet, is Admiral Ackbar. The Elton John fan-club is responsible for the recruitment of new sailors, and a press gang is always present at his concerts. However, a flaw was discovered. Men do not attend Elton John concerts, and so the recruitment scheme was placed under review, and it was decided that they would have to get their new recruits from the Sydney gay and Lesbian mardi-gras, and from the Greens party.
[edit] navy's song
join the navy
join the navy
you could sail the world
on this ship
aannndddd
have the mechanic pack all your shit!
pack all your shit
pack all your shit
he drinks in rum
while he sticks his rod up your bum dadadadaddumdadadadum
cuuuuuuuuummmmmmm! then you'll stand to attention
to the exception
cause you wont be able to sit on the poop deck. (spoken)
captain submarine off the port bow!
midshipman theres a submarine going for your poop deck!
it never attracted many non wife and kid beating straight guys...but the gays came marching in.
[edit] Operating Forces
The U.S Navy is divided into nine fleets, each consisting of a speedboat, six canoe escorts, twelve Eroticus class inflatable dolls and a mk 1 Death Star. Each of these fleets are administered by a REAR ADMIRAL who reports in turn to Elton John. The fleet's location at any given time is classified, however they have been spotted, or rather, were seen spotting some of the sunbathing fellas at Bondi Beach. They are also believed to keep a fleet at the Gothic Sector for fear of Chaos attack.
[edit] People of the Navy
The United States Navy is made up primarily of badasses and sex addicts. The average sailor has at least one sex partner in every port and is married happily with children. Individual sailors are known for their ability to consume more alcohol than an entire college fraternity.
The Navy's social structure is not very complicated. There are the lifers and the dirtbags. If anyone decides to escape the reigns of terror before their 20 year heirmark is up, they are thereby considered a shitbag or more Politically Correct:Dirtbag. For the masochistic sheep, which 20 years of "honorable" service is required, are given the name "lifers".
The Navy prides itself on being the "most educated force on earth". This is the same force that has personnel that take dumps in showers, go days and weeks without showering, masteurbate in public and consider AFN the most patriotic thing since a flag colored dildo.
People of the Navy are in a perpetual state of being fucked with by someone higher than them. This gives them a lower self esteem than most civilians and provides them with the necessary mindset to do things such as talk to trees, have sex in the mess hall, and huff helium in the attempt to have one last high.
[edit] Current Mission
The United States Navy has been highly involved in Operation Cock Block. This Operation is the hoarding of oil and other natural resource reserves in the Middle East. For this, the Navy is both feared and loathed not only because of their weapons, but the threat of sodomy that they render to the enemies.
Countless dollars are put into keeping the gray love boats in the water only to watch the Chimpanzee in Charge's dream evaporate. The Navy, through Chimpo McCokefiend is raping the oceans of sovereignty and not only that, they are destroying the already decadent oceans.
Operation Fuck Big Blue was devised along with steel ships. Operation Big Blue is a world wide operation of depleting the ocean of plant and animal life through dumping of garbage, oil, sewage as well as sounding sonars and other tools and sensors that harm wildlife.
They do this with no concience. Things such as plastic garbage bags, Oil Containers and other harmful substances are entered to the mix everyday.
The Navy portrays itself as a gentle giant, when in fact it is a vicous opponent of the world as a whole, as is the government appointed over them.
