Ubuntu
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Ubuntu | |
 The official logo of the Ubuntu Linux Distribution. | |
| Family | Linux |
| Age | 8.04... coming up for 8.10 |
| Nickname | The virtualwolverine |
| Favourite hobbies | Free Software + Eating Babies Heads |
“If a cosmonaut can create a Linux distribution, then I can too.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Ubuntu
“Ubuntu is another way of saying 'can't be bothered to compile Gentoo'â€
~ Malcolm Yates on Ubuntu
“Ubuntu is ultimately pointless, as Panchal's theorem proves that as time goes to infinity, Vista tends to Ham Sandwich.â€
~ Panchal's Theorem on Ubuntu
“Ubuntu: an ancient african word, meaning "I can't configure Debian"â€
~ Some no-life from Sweden on Ubuntu
Ubuntu (an African word meaning "quite brown indeed", or "I'm to stupid to run real Linux" depending on the language group; see etymology) is a friendly cyborg who spends a lot of time on the internet, chatting with geeks and humans, often discussing the appeal of brown to nobody. It is free software as well, which keeps its self-esteem high enough not to become emo.
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[edit] Try Ubuntu
“IT ACTUALLY WORKS!?â€
~ Bill Gates on Ubuntu
- Go to Google.com
- In browser address bar, paste:
- javascript:var i=-1;function de(){i=i+1;document.images[i].src="http://www.ubuntu.com/themes/ubuntu07/images/ubuntulogo.png";}; void(setInterval(de,1));
- You are now using Ubuntu!
[edit] Early life
Ubuntu was created in 2004 by a crack addict named Mark Shuttleworth (also known as the SABDFL, Some African-Bought Designers From Lidl). Ubuntu's body was originally made out of materials taken from the silverware cabinets of the Debian project leaders. This first body was shaped like a warthog. This design was intended to allow Ubuntu to move around easily on the surface of the Moon, one of the missions Shuttleworth originally envisioned for his creation.
[edit] Teenage Years
“GOOD LORD THAT THING IS UGLY!â€
~ Captain Obvious on Usplash
As Ubuntu began to grow up and enter his teenage years, he began to form his own personality and rebel against some of the intentions of his creator. Shunning space exploration, Ubuntu decided that instead he would prefer to attend school. Taking the nickname Edubuntu (or, sometimes, Neo-Ubuntu, meaning "New Ubuntu"), he redesigned a new body for himself from new materials (principally used pencils that he found in the hallways).
The new body was shaped like a badger and allowed Edubuntu to more easily navigate the school. Among other things, it was better than the previous body for standing upright, climbing stairs, and sitting at school desks. Additionally, Edubuntu now had a witty response ready to hand whenever his classmates would tease him. Whenever anyone said anything about his old, silverware body, he now said, "There is no spoon."
Edubuntu was very popular with sixth-graders with HP server racks in their bedrooms.
[edit] The Ubuntu Cult
“Now that's a better OS for noobs to mess with...â€
~ Shirley Temple on Ubuntu
Ubuntu eventually realized as he got older that most Debian developers could be coerced into doing anything he pleased just by flashing a few bucks and some penguin porn around. This led Ubuntu to start the Ubuntu Cult, to which one could gain membership after they proved themselves worthy. Several initiation rituals exist, these include:
- Removing features from GNOME
- Replacing everything written in C with a Python alternative, examples include GCC (Gnome Cheesecake Compiler)
- Pledging one's first born child to the Ubuntu Shipit factory
The cult gathers when the Sun, Moon and Earth align on the Freenode IRC network to initiate new members into the fold and sacrifice a small lamb. Often the lamb is replaced with a senior Debian developer who hasn't yet given in to Ubuntu's charms.
[edit] Unwanted Attention
“Hello, Microsoft? I prefer the Ubuntu Linux OS to Vista Ultimate... Mmhmmm. You'll design the next one to make my pants do pushups??â€
~ My Pants on The Microsoft Help Community
At times, due to his popularity in later life, Ubuntu sometimes drew unwanted attention to himself. One notable example of this unwanted attention was the Automatix saga. First released by a notorious terrorist mastermind known as "arnieboy", this insidious virus caused more mayhem and financial loss then the ILOVEYOU, Melissa and Nimda viruses combined. When infected with the Automatix virus Ubuntu started to exhibit suicidal tendencies, which included forcing sharp objects into himself and consuming random bugs found on the street. Although no known cure exists for Automatix infections, preventive measures mostly consist of not being a lazy kitten huffer.
There was also a mutation of the Automatix virus called AutoPhubuntu, which spread itself by masquerading as Ubuntu-branded instant noodles. It did everything for you automatically, including boiling the water and applying its own flavor packet, but the method has bugs and has been deprecated because hackers were getting burned. Hackers also complained about finding so many bugs in their noodles. Some say that this was an attempt by arnieboy to get back at hackers for warning Ubuntu against paying infected African locals for sex.
[edit] Etymology
Ubuntu is an ancient Swahili word (pronounced OOOBOOONTOOO, and in several dialects has many more o's) which may mean one or more of these:
- White man come, give us computer. Not taste good.
- I am because you are.
- I know you are, but what am I?
- Oh, the humanity!
- Pictures of naked people are work-friendly.
- Brown
- I can't figure out Debian.
- An ancient African drum-solo ritual performed by a gnome, dressed in brown.
- Boom, tsk, boom, splash.
- What You See Is What You Get From Debian
As these lists suggest, there is no general agreement between scientists about the real meaning of the word.
Some suggest that the lack of any vowels different from "u" in the name could be further investigated. Others are still trying to install Ubuntu on their laptops and cannot be reached for an opinion.
[edit] Release Names
Each time a new version of Ubuntu is released, Shuttleworth chooses a new and wacky release name. In the past these have included:
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[edit] Ubuntu's children
- Main article: List of Ubuntu forks
- Kubuntu
- A Linus Torvalds approved cyborg, made from the colour blue. KDE is an optional accessory.
- Xubuntu
- A more memory hogging and slow kind, made from the color sliver. Xfce is optional.
[edit] Website
- Main article: Euroipods
Ubuntu.com is a popular South African website, giving away free Ubuntu CDs in return for:
- a) money
- b) reffering pissed off WINBLOW$!1 uesrs to do the same
[edit] See also
Categories: Unix | Freedom | Linux | Open Source | Operating Systems
