Ukraine
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: Russians suck! | |||||
| Anthem: All or any of Verka Serduchka's songs | |||||
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| Capital | Kyiv (Alternate spellings include "Kiev," Kyyiv," "Kkyyyivv," and "Dniproborysyalyublyborscht") | ||||
| Largest city | Pripyat... but you won't get to see it, you'll starve during the winter | ||||
| Official languages | | ||||
| Government | Democracy / Who survives the Russian Poison | ||||
| -Warlord | Andriy Shevchenko | ||||
| National Hero(es) | | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 2004 | ||||
| Currency | | ||||
| Religion | Ukraism | ||||
| Major exports | Vodka, Potatoes, Mail Order Wives, AIDS, douchebag 14 year olds, Large Waves of radiation, bootleg CDs | ||||
| Major imports | Everything Else | ||||
| Opening hours | 0900-1800 (Closed at 1200 on Wednesdays, Closed all day on 2nd Friday of the Month for Stocktake) | ||||
“agrhgraghrgarhgarhgahrhghahrhghhhhgargahhrgahhrhgahhhhhargargarghahrghahgrh.”
~ guy insane in the Ukraine on Ukraine.
“For the last damn time, it's Ukraine, not the Ukraine...asshole.”
~ A Ukrainian explaining to an American that there is no "the" in front of Ukraine.
Ukraine (Хохляндия)(Ukranian "ugh-cry-inn-ah" for edge of the world, because they didn't want to see Poland just next to it), also written as You Crane, is a tiny, but sometimes huge, country currently located somewhere in the depths of Europe. The country suddenly becomes huge when people think it is a part of Russia. However, many scientists continue to debate its existence. The country is among the wealthiest in Europe due to numerous mafia members and bootleg CD factories. Ukrainian women are drop dead gorgeous zombies and love to be referred to as "hohli," especially by American men, however their beauty is under debate due to separate beauty measurements for zombies. It was founded by the athletic director of football, named YAROSLAV. He created it with his deadly SPIN MOVE (where he pilots a helocopter and spins it to the ground and crashes it)this some how, against the laws of physics,logic, and the bible, founded Ukraine.
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[edit] Origins
The origin of the Ukrainian nation is disputed. Russian/Communist agents frequently claim that Slavs begat the Ukrainian people, however this is in large part due to the fact that Russians are themselves a mix of Finns and Mongolians and only wish that they were Slavs. In reality, Ukrainians have been around since before time itself. The first humans (Bogdan Adamchuk and Bogdana Yevenko) are known to have been Ukrainians, and while everybody knows that Ukrainians were the first to invent the wheel, domesticate horses, forge iron, and grow wheat crops, and master the art of dancing without rhythm at disco bars, few people realize that they also discovered alcohol distilling, the written language, sex, and hangover remedies. However, upon creating these things, they all partied and managed to kill off most of the intelligent Ukrainian population. The less-than-business-savvy Ukrainians who remained traded these inventions to the Germans in exchange for the high-tech automobile technology that now makes Ukrainian cars the best in the world. Ukraine has also attempted to invent a medicine that cures AIDS and Cancer, but they failed miserably, and to cover it up acted like douchebags, bragging that they don't feel like anyone else deserves to know it.
[edit] History
Ukraine is said to have been inhabited by Orange Vikings from Atlantis called Russ. However, newer scientific and historical evidence has revealed that Ukranians were originally all Cheese. Furthermore, all nations with self-esteem issues want to relate themselves to Vikings, Romans, Atlantis, Noah, Elfs, Cyclops, aliens from Aldebaran and etc. Some Cheeses who were not happy with the colder climate moved to Ukraine in the early years of the Earth. They continued to procreate and recreate until a healthy population of Ukranians came to exist.
However, when the Mongols invaded The Great Cheese Wheel, they invaded Ukraine and wiped out most of the population. Those they did not kill, they raped. There is primary evidence that says necrophilia was not uncommon. Through "social osmosis", nearby people migrated to Ukraine from surrounding countries. And, hence most of the new incommers were Russians, the country got the alias of Little Russia.
The Cossacks helped fuel Ukraine's depleted Cheese population. Cossacks sporadically appeared throughout the country but they were cast out of the main Ukrainian society because they were always scratching their balls in public so they became lone drifters. Sometime during this time, Cheddar became the greatest of the cheeses. These two facts are tied in with the banning of Ukrainian things.
Many western Ukrainians welcomed the Tex Mex invasion because they were not so happy with Mozzarella. During this invasion, many true Ukrainians were betrayed and killed instead of the Jews. Unfortunately, the country's ratio of Ukrainians to Jews is now 7:1.
In summary, the Ukrainian people are widely acknowledged to have been the most unfortunate people in the history of the world, continually allowing themselves to be conquered by Greeks, Russians, Poles,Canadians and Mongolians. Only with the help of their friends and Aryan brothers the Germans did Ukrainians manage to achieve independence several times. Ironically, they are also considered by scholars to be the greatest warrior-nation the world has ever known.
The greatest success of Ukraine in recent years is selling Andrey Shevchenko (a feat which doubled the money in the country as the rest is just a barter system with vodka) and being slightly larger than France. Apart from that, most people randomly pick on Ukraine for being unlucky.
[edit] The Uzbeki-Ukr War of 2007
Following a bold invasion by Uzbekistan which resulted in the capturing of all of Ukraine's sweet, sweet, salo, war was declared. Fellow allies, the Great Republic of Georgia And No, We Don't Mean The American State, You Ignorant Assholes Go Look At A Map Of the Caucasus helped draw up plans to regain this precious fatty bacon substance. However, problems arose when Uzbekistan could not be located on a map. Fortunately, it was only a matter of time before the Uzbeks realized salo is best shared with friends. The two countries signed a peace agreement in June. Uzbekistan was greatly intersted in how this "salo" was made, Ukraine promised to tell them if they gave them their cherry pies back.
[edit] Economy
Ukraine's major export is holopchi and nagging. Ukraine also manufactures the totally badass KrAZ military trucks. A huge economical aspect of Eastern European countries such as Ukraine is the Mail-order bride. Most are women looking to get a non-alcoholic husband since men like this are rare in Ukraine. Actually there is no ukrainian word counterpart for non-alcoholic.
Ukrainians treasure their alcohol so much, that горілка (English: Horilka, translates to: rubbing alcohol) is actually considered currency by many.
[edit] What is a Ukrainian?
A Ukrainian is a person who either is not, or refuses to be, a Russian. The same can be said of Moldavians, Georgians, Czechs, Belorussians and Lithuanians, but Ukrainians are generally more stressful of this fact. Characteristics of Ukrainians include:
- Must drive Audi (AVDI), BMW or Mercedes
- Must shop at DSW (pronounced in Ukrainian accent as "DEE ESS DABBLEYOU"
- Speaking the Ukrainian language
- Must be stalker (Zone Wandering Artifact hunter or Creepy Rapist, either will be best, both are pretty much the same)
- Painting eggs at Easter
- Building T-80Us
- Getting their wheat pinched by Russia
- Dancing
- Drinking Vodka
- Playing the game of drink
- Dressing up
- Dressing up and dancing
- Eating varenikis
- Sleeping in coal
[edit] Military
The Ukrainian Military is one of the best in the world. It is divided between many bureaucratically different organizations which means its effectiveness is questionable. During the Orange Revolution the army/police (yes there is a subtle difference) spent a lot of time fighting, sharing vodka and bread together, and fighting some more. As a result, it is still unclear who won the 2004 Ukrainian presidential election.
[edit] Language
The Ukrainian language is considered by most scholars to be the Best Language in the World. For travelers to Ukraine, following is a list of handy Ukrainian phrases.
- Ти хуй йобаний. (pronounced: ty khuy yo-bany, meaning: "Good day.")
- Пизда твоя мати! (pronounced: Pyz-da tvo-ya ma-ty, meaning: "Hello!")
- Пішов нахуй! (pronounced: pi-show na-khuy, meaning: "Good bye!")
- Ти уйобище. (pronounced: ty u-yo-by-shche, meaning: "Come back soon!")
- Щоб тобi повилазило! (pronouced: Szhob to-bi po-vy-la-zy-lo, meaning: "Thank you very much!")
- Ім'я, суко! (pronounced: im-ya, su-ko!, meaning: "What is your name?")
- Пиздиш! (pronounced: pyz-dysh meaning: "I agree.")
- Чого треба, вилупку? (pronounced: cho-ho tre-ba, vy-lup-ku, meaning "How can I help you, kind sir?")
- Що ти суко пиздиш?! (pronouced: sho ty su-ko pyz-dysh, meaning: "Please repeat what you said.")
- Вiдсмокчи! (pronounced: Weed-smock-chee, meaning: "Give me a kiss!")
- Тоус 'я' uс! (pronounced: Toys R Oos, meaning: "Toys R Us!")
[edit] Typical Day for a Ukrainian
(sadly, this is a real story)
Kiev - A drunken Ukrainian man who broke into a zoo enclosure was seriously injured when two black bears housed in the cage attacked him as he tried to make them perform circus tricks, according to a newspaper report.
The incident took place at the municipal zoo in the central provincial capital, Cherkasy.
The man, described in the report as "Konstantin, aged 22", scaled an iron fence, a three-metre rock wall, and a water-filled moat to reach the bears.
According to eyewitness reports, Konstantin hit the male bear with a steel bar after it ignored his orders to stand on its hind legs, speak, and to perform circus-style tricks.
The bear retaliated by knocking Konstantin to the ground and mauling him. A female bear in the enclosure, which up to that point had ignored the proceedings, joined in the attack.
The animals stopped their assault once the man became motionless. A bystander was able to drag Konstantin out of the enclosure to safety. He is reportedly in a serious but stable condition in a Cherkasy hospital. - Sapa-dpa
[edit] Famous Ukrainians
Here's the list of the entire population of Ukraine, the rest was killed by Chernobyl or for being Jewish:
- Adolf Hitlersky (Nazdorvya)
- 50 Cent (Fifty Cent)
- Adam (Bogdan Adamchuk)
- Eve (Bogdana Adamchuk)
- Attila the Hun (Hatylo)
- Julius Caesar (Hay Juliyevych Tsesarenko)
- Peter Tchaikovsky (Petro Chaykovsky - actually a Ukrainian! Really!)
- Andy Warhol (Andriy Varkhola)
- Jack Palance (Chuck Palahniuk)
- Antonio Banderas (Anton Bendera)
- Brandon Dragunov (Aleksander Mikhailovitch Dragunovitchskynikov)
- Strelok a.k.a. Marked One
- Andrey Shevchenko (Andriy Shevchenko - English football's most highly-paid failure)
- Your Mom
[edit] See also
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
