Ulcer

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Ulcers are very dangerous as when you try to remove them with the fork technique (where your best friend hits you in the stomach with a fork) the ulcer jumps out of your stomach and jumps on to your best friends head ( like the aliens do from the series ALIEN ) and lays and egg in you friends stomach.

Ulcers are rare debilitating diseases that are caused by an infectious mutant form of the bacteria Helicopter puree. What, you got an ulcer before? Yeah right, then I would have struck lottery twice, loser. Ulcers only afflict individuals who snoop on women changing clothes, huff kittens incorrectly or buckle their seatbelts backwards while licking ice cream in a moving vehicle. Such activities cause the bacteria to aggregate and transmutate into a morphology of a tooth and poke holes into various body parts such as the mouth, tongue, stomach, intestines and other clandestines.

[edit] Epidemiology

This rare disease is prevalent among people who use their mouth to eat food, which are locally confined to tribal villages within 3000 kilometres of any coast on any continent. Thus, despite being very infectious it is unlikely to result in a epidemic. The disease incubation time is about 1-2 weeks and patients either recover fully or die from complications such as car accidents. Patients are most infectious during this critical period - they must be observed carefully and handled with a forty-foot pole. Shorter people from Poland need not apply. Social activities such as kissing, hugging, talking, eating, sleeping, breathing or heart-beating are to be stopped during the incubation period.

[edit] Symptoms

The first indication of ulcer formation is when the patient shouts "HOLY F@#K I JUST SHIT MYSELF!!!" followed by loud obscenities and vigorous fingerpointing towards their anal hole. Patients commonly report a rusty taste in their butt, and everything they pu up their butt will taste rusty for at least one minute. If the ulcer forms on their lower intestines, symptoms such as slurred diarrhea, slow supository-ing and sudden jerks due to pain may result. When such behaviours are observed, the patient should be admitted to a gynacologist and given repeated injections of saline into their mouths to stop the disease progression. Actually it doesn't stop anything, I just enjoy watching people get jabbed, that's all. I EAT BABIES

[edit] Disease Variants

There are four common variants of ulcers, listed in increasing severity.

1. The Nick

This is a near-miss condition where the aggregated bacteria deal a glancing blow to various body parts, notably the insides of your mouth. Usually ulceration does not result and the wound heals rapidly within a few days. Nicks are more common among people who frequent online forums and enjoy handicraft work.

2. The Straight Jab

Quick, sharp and intensely painful, a straight jab occurs when the bacterial "tooth" pierces orthogonally and cleanly into the tissue. When you have an issue, here's a tissue. In fact, the damage is so deep that the wound feels like it is turning itself inside out. The ulcer has a crater-like appearance and is white or pink-coloured. Straight jabs are painful but normally heal within a week if you drink coffee regularly, because everyone knows that seven days without coffee makes one weak.

3. The Flap

Flaps are as painful as straight jabs except the puncture wound is made at an angle, resulting in a flap of bloody skin above the bloody ulcer itself. Due to this extraneous flap of skin, healing often takes more than two weeks, in fact it might never heal (See Variant 4). To speed up the healing process, the flap of tissue should be sliced off neatly and painfully with a kitchen cleaver. While you're at it, why not just chop that whole ugly noggin' off, you masochist.

4. The Multiple Entry Wound

If the initial ulcer is located in part of your mouth that is in close association with your teeth, then a multiple entry wound is likely to happen. This is even more frequent after a flap forms. The raised ulcer-crater or skin flap impedes the smooth movement of the teeth, causing the patient to bite himself again and again like a Teletubby. The resulting torrential flow of blood and vulgarities is listed as one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Multiple entry wounds can take between three weeks and 5000 years to heal completely.

[edit] Treatment

At present, all variants of ulcers are incurable, but the distraught patient can be made more comfortable before his or her inevitable end. Folk treatments such as Bonjela and rubbing salt into the wounds are perfectly fine. Not everything has to be scientifically investigated, OK? Are all private investigators scientists? No? Then STFU please. More aggressive treatments involve the use of frickin' lasers attached to the frickin' heads of sharks.

One possible course of treatment that has been widely endorsed by many in the medical community involves consuming copious amounts of coffee, alcohol, and spicy foods. Oh, and vinegar.

[edit] Prophylaxis

Prevention is better than cure, thus the best cure for death is simply not to get born. That was a joke, HAHAHA! No it's not. In the case of ulcers, the best way to avoid it all together is for the person to simply extract all his teeth. Or amputate any body part that could possibly be afflicted, notably the head. Just chop it off I say. Other preventive actions include the extermination of all bacterial life on Earth, or the destruction of all planets in our star system, or the elimination of all stars in the Universe.

All of us have a small part towards the eradication of ulcers, and by God we will do it even if it is the last thing we ever do.