Ulster
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Who the shit is Gerry Adams”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ulster
“YEOOOOOOO”
~ Ulster on Above Quote
“ULSTER SAYS NO”
~ Unionists on everything
“ULSTER BANK SAYS YES”
~ The bank that says yes on Ulster
“I Hate it”
~ Paddy Ashdown on Ulster
“BRITS OUT”
~ Graffiti on Nortern Ireland
“Were not Brazil, Were Norn Iron”
~ Norn Iron Football on making a personal statement about football
The name Ulster is a miss harper (famous for her baps) and confuses people. The correct name under the rules of Oscar Wilde and his harem of bankers is Ol' Father Flaps. Many people fail to note there are 3 counties, Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan in Ulster that are part of the Republic of Ireland and has led to the conclusion among internet conspiracy theorists that they are all actually Gordon Brown. It is world famous as the only province in the world to be made entirely of meat and grit, the inhabitants of this grimace of the civilised world are all either butchers, drunk, or marching in Military formation through areas where they are not popping round for tea. There has been bitter clandestine rivalry between the 2 warring factions of butchers for two centuries. It is believed by most Ulstermen to be the greatest place on earth and regarded by most Irishmen to be a complete waste of time. Some Ulstermen are also Irishmen; which causes much confusion to many people; but those with geographical education can possibly imagine a situation where this might be so.
On one side are the Nationalists, mostly Catholic, who believe that Northern Ireland must be returned to rightful ownership whereas the Unionists, mostly Protestant, want the complete removal of all that is Catholic, Irish or both and that it should remain within a completely Protestant Country (UK).
Contents |
[edit] The butcher battle of 1996
On the 14 of March 1996 (St Sneaky Pete`s day) The greatest meat battle planet earth has ever seen took place causing a world wide shortage of burgers. It was during this shotage that the pastie bap was invented. The battle broke out when the leader of the Prodmans, Jimmy Wing-Nut, accused the leader of the Fenians, Paddy -One eye brow- Mcluggage, of taking more that three shakes, which officially constitutes a wank, when he used the urinal in the Harbour Bar in Portrufty.
A solution came when the Chief of Sinn Fein, Gerry Adams of the agnostic party, declared a cessation of hostilities and got his cousin St.Ian of paisley to to lend him a tenner to celebrate his new job as President of Belfast.
[edit] Extract from the Protestant Terrorist Board website
Province of the United Kingdom consisting of 6 counties. Located in the North of the island of Ireland Northern Ireland will remain separated from the rest of the Irish isle until all Roman Catholics and all that is Irish or deemed to be Irish, is removed by whatever means the remaining Shankill Butchers (A Protestant Terrorst Grouping that carried out many cut-throat killings of Catholics at the behest of their handlers in the Security (sic.) forces and the country returned to Protestant UK. (This will never occur as the Nationalist Re0Unification of Ireland will occur sometine in the middle 2020s and Ireland, once again, will be free from foreigm occupation.)
Northern Ireland is inhabited by roughly 800,000 citizens as well as 700,000 foreigners who exist as lowly labourers to serve the Protestant citizens who unashamedly call themselves Protestant.
Northern Ireland is defended by an array of Nazi armed forces consisting of the glorious (sic.) British Army and attached units such as the Ulster Volunteer Force and the Ulster Defence Association. These forces, in the guise of the former UK chief of Land Forces, Gen. Mike Jackson, recently pronounced that they had failed to defeat the IRA who had a suprior 500:1 kill ratio against the occupational forces in all their guises.
The Protestant people of Northern Ireland hate all that is seen to be either Catholic and/or Irish and swear loyalty to a queen over and above loyalty to God. They also enjoy the games of football and "taig (Catholic) baiting". Taig baiting is played primarily in the summer months and is meant for the whole family whereas football is mostly a male-only affair.
I must restate that we did lose to the IRA as many Irish, Amercicans, Europeans, British and Japanese people have stated but it is only recently that the penny has dropped that this is in fact the case.
[edit] Sport
Ulster's most popular football club is the Sectarian and bitterly anti-Catholic Linfield FC located in Belfast, Linfield and Glentoran engage in a friendly rivalry here as their fans cheer for their favourite club and throw rocks, stones, pebbles, missiles, morters, bastard children and empty cans of Harp at the other side, all in the spirit of good fun. Linfield often show their disgust at the Northern Irish TV/Radio presenter, Stephan Nolan. For more information on Stephan Nolan, look up "fat talentless bastard whose heads so far up his own arse, does not have a clue about life because he is just so fucking stupid, and whose claim to fame is being sick, while squealing like a little girl, on live Television while cleaning cow shite."
[edit] Symbols
One of the most revered symbols of Northern Ireland is the legendary Red Prick of Ulster. The symbol recalls an ancient fraternity crew race, inspired by Anton van Leeuwenhoek's observations of spermatozoa, in which several king wannabes raced to an island, where the first to deflower a Princess would inherit the throne of Ireland. In one version of the legend, the Uí Néill king was the one who, seeing that he was losing the race, severed his own member and used a giant slingshot to shoot it onto shore, where the Princess eagerly availed herself of it to avoid being married off to a Protestant, but mostly because it was the only kind of sex toy permitted to good Catholics and she didn't want to miss the chance. The English bloke Dermott made it to shore shortly afterwards, and ignoring the Princess' claims she was a married woman, made a forcible invasion. The Irish said that didn't count for anything, but who cares what a bunch of bloody wogs have to say?
The symbols of Northern Irish Loyalist Terrorists Ulster are the Red Hand and the Union Jack (Incorrectly referred to as Jack when in fact it is the Union Flag. The Union Jack is the name given to the Union Flag whilst being used by a sailor aboard a UK Naval Ship to masturbate into).
Visitors should worry for their safety whilst travelling within Protest / Loyalist areas of Northern Ireland as they are in danger of knee-capping and anal rape, but they should fear not whilst travelling through Nationalist areas where they will be made welcome via the medium of knee-capping and anal rape.
[edit] Culture
The Protest / Loyalistculture of Northern Ireland is non-existent except for the shooting and intimidation foreigners. This has led to the area being labelled as a potential blackspot for tourists although this has never been officially recognised as no holiday researchers have ever returned.
Most residents base their lives around the Police Acadamy movies, their stance on immorality and handing important jobs those least able to carry them out has led to many power failures, a high crime rate and numerous explosions at important industrial complexes.
One thing to note is that ulster in Irish is Uladh, now you're thinkin' it's spelt how it looks, no chance sunshine. It is pronounced errr-loo. Which is stupid.
