Ultimate
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“I'm not available right now. Please leave a message.”
~ Oscar Wilde on his pathetic inablity to make a quote.
Hello viewers. If you're just tuning in, I'm Teh Black Warrior, and this is the History Channel's "Ultimate Special.
Ultimate is a mystical endowment of power with levels far beyond all others, even those of Peter Griffin. Being superior to all other powers in the universe, it has won the award of "Bastard Power" every year since it's first use. However, it is a power constantly under attack by the SEMI-ULTIMATE AXIS OF EVIL. Due to this possibly detrimental assault, Ultimate has been handed down over the years only to those worthy of protecting it.
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[edit] The true story and all of the other bullshit
- The story of how Ultimate was first conceived is a rather debated subject; ranging from Gnasty Gnorc asexually giving birth to it or the power mysteriously manifesting from the 1337th dimension, to an Oscar Wilde poem mutating from prolonged exposure to asbestos. Other theories include the G.I.Joe-Transformers War playing a part in it's creation, the Ozone layer getting pissed off with the humans and sending Ultimate down to Earth to kill them, and a cat running into a Chevy Nova, creating a tremendous explosion from which Ultimate was born.
A photograph depicting Ultimate in all it's glory.
According to popular belief, on the other hand, it arose as a result of a freak blumpkin accident that almost decimated the entire population of Chernobyl, Ukraine. Thankfully, recent blurry video and photo evidence has dispatched all of these beliefs as pure bullshit.
[edit] The True Origin Of Ultimate
The true story, as evidence suggests, came to be around both the times of Smackem The Frog and The Hammurabi, but it happened in 1337, a time when neither of these men existed. Hammurabi had just perfected a magical rock that could kill violators of his code for him, and was testing it at a decaying ghetto in Liverpool, England. At that same time, in the Mesozoic Era, Smackem The Frog was masturbating to the hottest XXX T-Rex porn he could find, while simultaneously drinking from a juice box. Hammurabi was punishing someone, not knowing that the person was Master Hand in disguise. The rock hit Master Hand just as he was powering up whatever the hell kind of attack he has that needs charging. It reacted with his awesomeness and shot back in time, killing all inferior species in it's path along the way. It collided with Smackem, transforming him into an orb of pure energy that then sped FORWARD through time, killing all SUPERIOR SPECIES in it's path, until it crash-landed in Kyushu, Japan, in 1337.
[edit] The Use
Ultimate was then found by a samurai named Huang Ngyuen, who stepped in it accidentally while on his way to kill his wife. Upon coming in contact, he became super different in ways only a boring 30-minute monologue by James Earl Jones could explain. He then decided to say FUCK YOU to his
Thirty Years later, Huang mastered the power of Ultimate. He was 57 at the time. Immediately, he amassed a colossal amount of chicks. He, now named Huang "Bitches" Ngyuen, started a school in which ordinary losers could learn how to master and protect it from the clutches of evil.
[edit] The Clutches Of Evil
The Ultimate Protection Agency (TUPA), has been under attack by the SEMI-ULTIMATE AXIS OF EVIL since the first school of Ultimate opened up. They are a group started by some asshole
named Ned who wanted the power of Ultimate for himself. He even started a dojo the same day. He even had his own army of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA CROW, but fate turned out bad for him. On his way opening night, he was hit by a Maglev passenger Dragon. He died instantly. He was buried the way he wanted to be, upside down in a grave full of broken glass, hypodermic needles, and condom wrappers. For a few hundred years, the SEMI-ULTIMATE AXIS OF EVIL sucked donkey balls without a good leader. Then, in 1733, Hammurabi was resurrected from the dead and chosen to lead the army that would steal the power of Ultimate from the dojo and all of it's students. The 29 year-long time period of training the troops and making weapons probably wasn't very interesting. Historians theorize that this would be like the exact opposite of the whole movie 300. They finally decided they were ready to fight the TUPA in 1762. There are limited records of this fight, and all existent records suck ass, but historians conclude that the Battle Of Ultimatum went almost exactly like the battle in 300. Blood, guts, swords slashing every which way, half-naked men brandishing shields, fucking massive amounts of arrows, rhino-riding men stamping through the battlefront, a lot of erotic moments, and at some point in time, a queen...or headmistress getting raped by her servant. In fact, the only thing that wasn't in exact to 300 was the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA CROW that constantly attacked the students.
[edit] The Ultimate All-Stars
The battle looked grim for TUPA; too many men had died, been beaten, stomped, shanked, molested, fondled by SEMI-ULTIMATE priests, sodomized, and burned away. Then, either by a strange twist of fate or a haywire weather balloon, the Ultimate All-Stars appeared on scene and kicked the asses of the SEMI ULTIMATE AXIS OF EVIL. The All-Stars included a massive army of hobbits, some wooden androids, a possessed strap-on dildo, and a choice few students who had graduated with a cum laude of 4.0. The final moments of the battle were uneventful; explosions, screaming, blue beams of Ultimate flying everywhere, farm animals being launched from catapults, FUCK YOU being screamed from the top of lungs ant the poor unfortunates, a combination of urine, fecal matter, and dirt clods being thrown from rooftops, another fucking massive wave of arrows, a chainsaw car slamming through buildings, and finally, a semi-apocalyptic explosion that disintegrated an area the size of Canada. Or Edward James Olmos' ass.
[edit] Aftermath
The Ultimate Battle ended that day after four hours and twenty minutes of senseless violence. Alas, the death toll was staggering; well over 9000 men were lost total. Hammurabi escaped with his life and tried to lay low in San Francisco, but was later kidnapped and sodomised to death by the gay couple living next door to him. According to a scroll found in the remains of the old TUPA dojo, the only survivors on that side were the Ultimate Graduates. They lived on to continue their training, protection against the SEMI-ULTIMATE AXIS OF EVIL, and escapades centered around picking up chicks.
[edit] What's Left of The Knowledge
The survivors of the war continued their holy task of defending and protecting the secrets of Ultimate. They secretly live secret lives, secretly protecting the secrets of the secret art of Ultimate. These are their secrets.
[edit] Ultimate Secrets
The following is a list of the secrets of Ultimate, recently discovered in a stone tablet.
[edit] Ultimate Side-Effects
- Itching
- Oozing
- Burning
- Intense nunchuck skills
- A strong desire to pick up chicks
- Frustration with not being able to pick up chicks
A more rare side-effect of Ultimate. - Only being able to pick up baby chickens
- Oozing
- Strong urge to yell FUCK YOU from the top of your lungs while standing on rooftops
- Weeping
- Being able to summon massive chainsaw cars, fire-breathing whales, and rock lobsters
- Oozing
- Mastery of the word "the"
- Inability to read large print
- Oozing
- Hating Tuesdays
- Diarrhea
- Super strength
- Super awesome beams of power shooting from your body at random times out of random places, and
- Oozing
- Please talk to your doctor if you experience STD-like symptoms, as these things happen from time to time, curable as they may be.
[edit] Ultimate Recipe
- One Hammurabi doom stone, whole
- One masturbating Smackem the frog, also whole
The perfect recepticle for all liquid ingredients. Shaken, not stirred. - 42 tbls. salt
- 4 tsp. of Green Day's American Idiot CD
- 2 diced carrots
- 2 minced onions
- 2 cups frog semin
- 42 cups of the hottest fuckin' hot sauce you can find
- 1 cup of chopped fish heads
- 1 jar of Ragu Spagetti sauce, whole
- Mix in Flux Capacitor (or time machine) at 69,690,690 RPMs and launch through time at over 9000 times the speed of light. Makes 12 servings.
[edit] Where Are They Now?
Today, only twelve of the original survivors exist. The are:
- Trogdor the Burninator
- Peter Griffin
- Chris Farley
Chris Farley, The Legendary "White Ninja," Poised for attack. - Martin Luther King
- Michael J. Fox
- The Dildo
- Goku
- The retarded hobbit that didn't even fight in the battle.
- Strong Bad
- The Non-Huffable Kitten
- Meatwad
- And, finally, the Jack in The Box Man.
They all live in complete anonymity, probably doing incredible amounts of women as I speak, and forever shouting from the rooftops at the top of their lungs a big "FUCK YOU!" in honor of their master Huang and all those who were lost in the battle. I am Teh Black Warrior and this has been the History Channel's "Ultimate Special."
