UnBooks:Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo
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“The best book I have ever written.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo
“I officially disassociate myself from this unauthorized guide. In case anyone says anything about my saying anything about implying this had anything to do with being or becoming my best book, or even considering having anything to do with being or becoming my best book, I wish to make it very clear at this point that my best book, indeed, the only book with which I would care to associate myself officially is The Picture of Dorian Gray, also known as the Portrait of Dorian Gray which I heartily advise anyone who has not read it or does not remember reading it or even does remember reading it and fancies reading it again to read it rather than this particular unauthorized guide of mine, or, indeed, any unauthorized guide of mine, any and all of which I officially disassociate myself from having anything (written, sexual, or Canadian) to do with in any nature that might be construed to have anything in common (textual, spherical, or merely homosexual) with any of my books, authorized or otherwise.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo, later that day, after the opium wore off
Contents |
[edit] Overview
Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo is virtually every Emo's sacred text. Every emo has a copy next to his or her cutting razors.
[edit] Chapter 1 - The Basic Emo
The official colors of Emos are RED and BLACK. Actually, forget red. Just black.
Every emo needs a good depressing outfit. Stores such as Hot Topic sell many items.
A Basic Emo's Outfit is made up of:
- Women's Jeans that are two sizes too small.
- A Satanic Pentagram Necklace.
- An Emo Rock band t-shirt (preferrably Green Day or Hawthorne Heights).
- Black Converse shoes.
Now that you've got yourself a nice outfit, you need a good look.
First, go to the store and get the darkest, or most outlandish, maroon hair dye you can find. Dye it, and grow your hair long in the front.
Brush your hair over your left eye, and put the rest to the side. It is important to ensure that this impares your vision substantially and allows you to glare out from beneath a lanky fringe.
[edit] Chapter 2 - Cutting
First, you're going to need something with which to cut yourself. Anything sharp should do, however, you want something you can sterilize. Also, you might want an old towel to wipe up the blood.
[edit] IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION
If you decide to start cutting yourself, be sure to use a clean blade and sterilize the wound afterward, because trust me, you don't want a nasty infection like gonorrhea, wherein your body literally starts rotting.
Be sure to use a good antiseptic before, after, and even during. Also, burn your blades to kill bacteria.
[edit] Technique 1
Now, the first and easiest method is across the wrist, also known as "Across the Street". Make a nice incision straight across the wrist, where the butt of your palm meets your arm. Enjoy.
[edit] Technique 2
This technique is a little more tricky to master, since you have more area to cover. Make a nice clean cut down the middle of your arm. There ya go, just let it flow out a bit ... watch as all your troubles drip onto that old towel...
Just remember:
WHEN IN DOUBT, FOLLOW THE GREEN LINES.
[edit] Chapter 3 - Lifestyle
[edit] Personality
Repeat this 100 times while yanking on your dick and sucking eggs, or until you feel the urge to start cutting:
Life is a miserable contradiction. I hate life. I am depressed.
Another useful technique goes as follows:
1. Go to the bathroom. ^o^ In your PANTS
2. Look in the mirror.
3. Think about someone killing your mother. (If you hate your mother, try thinking about how you will never get laid. In the history of the world. Ever.)
4. Cry.
That's all there is to it!
5. Start sucking your own dick till you start chocking then start crying with the dick in ur mouth and start cutting after
[edit] Music Choice
There are many popular Emo bands and songs, such as:
- Blind from My Hair - by Counting Emos
- Stabby Rip Stab Stab - by Stabbers
- Fuck That Bitch, She Broke My Heart - by Abyss
- Puttin' On The Ritz - by Taco
- I Love You So Much I Want To Cut Myself - by Satanic Pentgram
- Me 'n My Sisters Jeans - by Bleeding Razors
- Man, I Need A Smoke - by Cigarette Burns
- I killed my girlfriend then she dumped me - by Blood Skull Vomit
- Black Hole - by No Escape
- I Cut myself in bed- by Burnt Wrists
- Tear Out My Black Despairing Heart Again - by Death to a Romance
- I'm really just a chav with a fringe - by Get A Life You Sad Fucking Chav Cunt
